why?

i am just glad my friend was here to cheer me up or else i would of had a sad Christmas. anyway thanks every one for the Christmas wish and messages.

Post secert/ wow 150 posts ^.^

http://www.postsecretcommunity.com/chat/viewtopic.php?p=6479704#6479704

it looks like am just being ignored

There's 4 people who I notice been ignorning me even when I attempted to make contact with them. I can't really say if there ignore me or just busy but it kinds feels like am unwantes for any contact. It hurts a little but I guess its just how it is or to make it easier for them. Ok bye.

I suck why?

Why i suck cause am still holding on to the past and i can't freaking let it go. Whats even more worse is i keep having a dream that i confess and thingss went better again which we all know is bull. Ugh, i dont know why this is lasting so long? am afraid this will go on to long. It feels like am better off single not knowing that i can't love someone. argh! i really want to stuff my self in a closet.

More then anything

More then anything you make me want to give up everything

No amount of words can describe my feelings to you something so vile and unbearable can I be near you.

You make me want to give up college and all that's was plan cause honestly I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't know what to become or do with my life anymore.

I have no common sense because I was taught to only listen, have so much agression inside of me thanks to you I physical hurt those close to me and I have no will power or pride cause you took that away from me.

I know longer have my own will or strength to do anything with my life. I Am just a mere puppet for you to control and let others gain hold of.

I can't be my self and I can't please my self. Its always have to be you first and your restriction.
Do you understand the pain and stress you cause? I have no goals that I've created, no guild or motivation to do anything.
Freedom is just a cost to me.
I could care less what happens to me or where I end up honestly.

All I do is obey orders and see where it leads me to.

I could never do the things I wanted to do cause of me being a let down and burden to you.
Am seen as no more then the child who can't do with what others can.

I have no dream, no wish or goal

Am just standing on a cross road and only going where am told.

I lost everything because of you and gain nothing out of the things you push me to.

I don't amount to the things you want or love am just a gate way to your future happiness. I am also your relief letting your anger and frustration on me.

I have no life if I feel I can't live it.

Constantly you make me feel guilty or useless and it like what ever I do its failure to you.

So why do I even bother, why do I even try? It not like its a battle to have when your just gonna win and rub it down.

Remember those times when I was away from home, in another country, at another house.
Have you wonder why I don't call or bother to check?

Its beacause I don't care what happens to you or how your doing? I never feel home sick or think about you, I don't stress about anything of you cause then I feel its my only times when am truly alive. But when am home constantly I worry about you, having to nurse you every time thinking to my self if you were gone will I still be the same. Be hind your back serectly wishing I was a way or a distant child who live with people that actually care.

I grew tired of your constant whines, complaints and negative comment. It only made me wish I wasn't under your care at all and just run away from it all. You made me see why people look down on me. Cause I put up with you and your abuse. Sometimes you make me wish serectly that I would get adopted if you haven't save me from foster care.

You put up a metal wall between me and those who I love to be around and make me feel worthless to anyone. You use material things for me to stay close to you or prove that you done nothing wrong. I hated the fact that I trap my self making my hole deeper then it is and ignore the advices of those who worry or care about my welfare.

my horoscope from yesterday

Try to keep up with the twists and turns in a friend's recent saga. Not just so you can converse about it and offer assistance or suggestions when asked. The fact is, you may wind up getting wrapped up in this drama in some way. The more you know now, the easier it will be to make things work to your advantage. A secret admirer is really falling under your spell. Although you may not be in the market for romance right now, this is someone you will more fully appreciate in the future.

Today my horoscope

If you're on drama overload right now, exit stage right. There's no need to get worked up about an upcoming event – whether it's an unwanted visit be a relative, or an outing with a group of people you don't really care for, or anything else that is weighing on your mind. Instead of causing yourself inner turmoil by conforming to whatever is expected of you, look at what will be best for everyone in the long run and go with it. End a meeting with a friend on a high note. Don't let negative energy infect a friendship.

Most relatable quote's i've ever read

"A friend told me that I wear my heart on my sleeve and people are always putting pins in it...."

"I think it is because we are intense people and that is how we define love is by intensity. We try to give all of ourselves in one way or another. In fact we are not actually living in reality we are living in our imaginations and what we define as love. I fall easy but it is hard for me to stay that way cause soon as something happens not in favor of the relationship it is almost as if I awake out of a daze and than it is hard for me to duplicate the feelings and / or the passion that I once had. It's like a drug. I want it. I need it and love it when I have it but for some reason it takes a hold of me and than it scares me."

we are the best to find but the hardest to keep. thats our nature. we give everything too quick and most of the times we just crushed and burned. i've hurt many times but i tell u what. as long as i'm alive i will keep making the same mistake cause i realise that life is meaningless with out LOVE"

Our problem is sometimes we cannot make our mind regarding relationships with people. We can easily make a very deep and strong link with someone, but then drop it quicker. It is easy for us for being such elusive beings, but not that much for others... leaving them hurting. this is done of couse unintentionally, in the deepest of our beings we are not mean to hurt anybody, but neither of us is a perfect being..."

"i think we are often misunderstood and sometimes our complexity comes across as suspicious and then people project their own dodgy thoughts onto us because we are so receptive"

I do have the same intamecy issue though & it has bothered me throughout my whole ife! especially in love relationships,guys who tries to get close to me ...are always surprised by the strenght of my refusal to get close.I do get close whenever I feel like it! I had lots of doubts & fears in a stage of my life bec I was betrayed & abused from this guy i was in love with.It hurt me so bad & obviously it has affected me in a big way.in how I deal with others & in how I see them,I'm trying to get out of this now but it's just like I fear whenever I take off my sheltering shield I' de be abandoned & hurt again :S I don't believe others! I DON'T & if being a Pisces was about believing then I guess am a very sad fish =((
I still want to believe though I keep saying that hope is not gone ,but it's just..I don't feel anything at all ='(
I couldn't agree more with everything wirtten here
as with friends I need a long time to trust them,to get close to them,always have this social barrier though I love to laugh & have a good time."

Advice from pisces ?

LoveLife Says:
November 9th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
I adore the women that proclaimed she finds it difficult to meet someone who will understand her overly emotional state whilst explaining the physics of cupcakes. That is me. We are beautiful kind loyal people. I am also single, however I know my chosen hubby is coming. Fellow pisces I offer this advice LEARN the UNIVERSAL LAW of dettachment. we love so dearly we attach ourselves so strongly. Wen we dettach we actually bring what it is we desire closer to us. It’s a Law of Nature. And one I am learning at the moment. My rising sun is Aries so I’m v stubborn, av a sharp tounge wen angry, love positive energy around me an I’m v driven, ambitious. Think many picses are the same. Most of all I love our QUIRKY WAYS it’s a gift from God, who would want to be like the Druids around us? NOT ME! That’s for sure. Thank God I’m a picses. Lots of love and light to you all x x x x x x x x x x x. X



Read more: Pisces In Love 2009

My horoscope to day

Sometimes luck is a long, slow process. A little here; a little there. Pretty soon you realize you've gotten quite lucky without noticing. That's what's happening now in your world. A lot of little things are going right for you. So instead of keeping track of all of your misfortunes, try making a list of all that's going well. That way you can watch as good luck takes over and your world gets brighter and brighter. Cast your spell on a difficult associate. You both want the same thing, but you're getting caught up in words instead of getting to the heart of the matter.

What would you say

What would you say if I say save me?
Or how will you feel if I wanted to run?

Will you use all your might and hold me or
Hold your self back and watch me fall to my demise?

Ever wonder how I would feel about you each day, hours or seconds?

Would you ever think that I would dream about you, hold my pillow closer and wishing it was real?

What gave you the choice to cage my happiness , and make me forget it never happen?

How is it with each song, each tempo with every lyric that I breath in the music voice and its stories? , finding some relation and each epiphany.

Is it insane for me to day dream my care-free happiness to life and live in a non reality?

Can I really place my decaying whole with lies to live a bit longer at each passing momment or like others replace it with someone brand new execpt I can't seem to find anyone to fit it.

What's so wrong that I gave up everything in the past and can't seem to return to my shell for safety.

Why is it my body wants to serve when my mind wants it return?

What sign am I looking for? I seek redemption and to end my sad cycle.

In my mind the angels flew looking for the someone to clip their wings and bring a hamorizing feeling in their heart but not all can achieve it. Some lost there wings and even with out the harmony they kept looking and with no way to return there wings , they kept searching.

Welcome to my universe the crazy world that only exist with me.

That resides inside my mind and all my dreams

Look how happy and strong as i be

Feeling wanted

Feeling talented

Feeling free

Am surrounded by hope, my fights are untold

my love is so real, that no one can seal the deal

Am living normal and truth be told i have my share of nightmares too

but they never last long like the real pain i feel

What is your response... wait don't say a word... its not true

am just testing to see what you will say,... none of it. is true

Thanksgiving and Been thinking

Well yesterday was slaughter turkey day and i wish those who call and texts, thank you. Yesterday i went up to new jersey to see my siblings and spend my first thanksgiving with them along with my brother first with his new wife. I enjoy every moment from it. From the cat(Antoinette) waking me up at 4am of here presence, then the busy cleaning( i help clean the front yard and back enjoying the labor) to the huge meal with my family and their friends. But even though i was so happy to be full and celebrating three birthdays that day of course the moment had to be crush when it was time to go home and my mom sending me a text saying it will be my final stay there. But even with my brothers and sisters encourage words that this wont be the end. I can't help but think of my grudging mother pulling me back again.

Today a friend made a joke and said what do you want for Christmas... other then a single bedroom apartment and a job?. In all i laughed and in my mind wish for the same. which brought me on a another convo when someone gave me the advice to act then think on my plans. I realize what stop me from living or doing as i please is my thinking and cautioness that bothers me. I always think of head, and think what to do but never really done it. In high school for the last 2 years of my high school life i was told to enter a teen shelter and go in to counseling. But i could never do it as much as i wanted to, i fear of the many things that would happen once I've gone with it. All it did was remind me of my foster care years and i couldn't live with my self being apart from family and friends. But then i had a huge question from my self; Why am i still living with my mom and stressing out? When i think about am more worry about the condition i'll leave my mom in, then how am living now. I constantly bring my self down with worries and fears that i haven't been giving the positive side a chance. Its like walking the bridge of fate, instead of picturing how i can reach the other end, All i see is me falling or tripping.

My big issue now is how can i see past the negative and look for the positive? What can i do to make my dream a reality with out a nightmare? Am trap in my own cage and am holding the key so what the hell am i waiting for?Whats stopping me from pulling the trigger?

It looks like there's more i need to do, to answer these questions and more to see!

Green Me Blue

Trying to fill that gaping hole

Well I had a good evening with some friends but I couldn't escape the empty feeling I had. I guess I was'nt distracted enough, probably while I acted kinda off today. I try to look like my self but I was just dead doing it, I know they hadn't notice. Only thing that kept me intact was the music. The loud metal and rock that fill my ears and erase my mind. No matter how much I think back on his words I feel so lost!? How can I love my self to the brink of happiness?, how can I fill that gaping whole that devour my stomach and heart? What do I need to do to forget my emotions and live life with out a care in a world?...my friends are getting worry, they been closely monitoring my emotions and physical appearance. I can't seem to stick to the distance I put for my self. I always end up slipping and hurting my self. I want to do so much but yet I feel like i'll end up going extreme. And that's when my worry friends come in. They know what I been thinking but am never the type to act on what I think. I got back some tests and all I felt was more discourage and stressed. I realized I set a impossible goal for my self and drag my self further to hell. I have no inspiration or happy thoughts to go in my head. Is it so wrong to wish to be in the hospital again? I mean I know its a wrong place but I see it as a solitude. I can be in a place where am comfort and can think to my self with out fearing the worst. Am far from everyone and hour and mins phase me in my sleep. I also notice I've been hyperventaling lately, mostly when alone in my room. It takes a short time for me to get it under control because I shut my mind and call a friend. I won't lie am scared that one of these days I won't control it and know one won't know. But I won't let it happen. I learn that I don't trust life or anything else, cause even if am expecting something am always feeling the worst. Honestly said I can't remember my best years or days? Its like I live life in hell and faked happy memories to get by. I also learned I lied to my self because I couldn't handel the truth and by that am only hurting my self even more. I don't know my self anymore. Well its 3:45 am and am not tired at all, I spoke to a old friend I was glad he was doing better to say the least but I couldn't help but feel like am hiding something or protecting my self by the way I talked to him( like choosing my words wisely)...well hopefully i find a way to heal.

Green me Lost

Vampire reunion

Am going to try , for some reason my body wont give up as my mind did

Am going to keep trying. Its funny but as much as i say or think i want to give up or run away. I just can't seem to do it. As much as i cry about my problems or break down, am still standing. Even it am unhappy and stressed , Am still living. When am feeling alone , I know there people who care.

I know i will still complain and be unhappy with life offering now, but i dunno as painful as things are. I have hope that something good will come out of it what ever it is. Am just praying for any luck or good to happen. I need some strength or motivation/ or support to keep living life.

I want to keep learning and abosrb but to get to my goals i will need some time and pressure. This cry baby will keep trying even if it kills her slowly. I need to find that happiness again or spark that i once had.

I will try to do art again, give back to the community, play the violin, train my body and write my mind in to a ryhtmic message to the world. I will try to bring out the green beast that i once hold dearly before.

i maybe sad but i haven't giving up yet.

Green Me Hope

Russian Roulette in my Room -Song lyrics and my poems of today

Had another fight with my mom 3 times to day am so depressed!

Russian Roulette - Rihanna

Take a breath, take it deep
Calm yourself, he says to me
If you play, you play for keeps
Take a gun, and count to three
I’m sweating now, moving slow
No time to think, my turn to go

[Chorus -- JustJared.com]
And you can see my heart beating
You can see it through my chest
And I’m terrified but I’m not leaving
Know that I must must pass this test
So just pull the trigger

Say a prayer to yourself
He says close your eyes
Sometimes it helps
And then I get a scary thought
That he’s here means he’s never lost

(Chorus)

As my life flashes before my eyes
I’m wondering will I ever see another sunrise?
So many won’t get the chance to say goodbye
But it’s too late too pick up the value of my life

And you can see my heart beating
You can see it through my chest
And I’m terrified but I’m not leaving
Know that I must pass this test
So just pull the trigger



- my poem
thats the song lyrics,
playing over and over in my head,
tears are streaming no one to go
feeling the cold alone,
huddle in bed closing my eyes,
listening to this sweet lullaby,
lock in my room and as the sounds fill my room,
is how i get by,
my phone is dead, my laptop is black,
nothing for me to communicate,
today a event is held,
am still trap in this jailed,
thinking of how,
no one is there just make the pain
more unbearable,
thoughts in my head,
drill in the lyrics... i rather not say,
footstep cross my bed room door with hurting words,
i put the blanket over me,
and picture me in someone arms,
i cried harder with out speaking,
dreadful feelings, tearing hearts,
a hollow inside is build,
still so cold , with the bedroom close
the boiler banging, and the blanket over,
no one here its just me, just like those years
not a solid food has touch me today,
not a calming voice to heal my head,
reminded guilts and coward mind is all i have in this bed,
As the song is near to end... " just pull the trigger"
My eyes close in to a slumber sleep, the darkness erase time
and the abyss float me away with out tears.



Green me sad!

The hard facts hurts the most

Last night i was speaking with a dear friend who like a brother to me. before i called him all i was doing was crying as i clean up the house, the only comfort i got was my cat giving me company. and i was feeling so sad.

so i thought to might self maybe i should called him and asking him why am i feeling like this. its weird but he's the only person that knows me well and reads me like a book. so on the phone at 12 in in the morning i ask him one question. "why am i so unhappy?" and his reply was " because you don't love your self and all you ever wanted was someone to love the part that you don't" and i thought to my self that can't be it, in all truth i was in denial with what he said. I told him that "how could i hate my self and still be alive , surely i wouldn't be living?" but again he counter and said" you don't have the guts to do it just like how you can't say no to a guy who you don't like or love you back, you torture your self feeling that you deserve it. you rather have the feeling of being used then ignored" i started to tear up in disbelief with his answer , it just couldn't be true. then he said" if i think about it know; you can't stand being by your self and you always look down on your self" and i said " well i got low self -esteem but i do work on it and with my child hood and all its a bad habit. But you don't get that i want companionship, i want some one to love for my own and get the affections that i once had" and again he counter " if you have love your self then companionship would be a big deal to you, you can love your self and that will be it, and i will remind you your last relationship was not real love cause you only love someone who couldn't love you back, all you end up is loving people who want to use you or talk down to you and you can't ask for affection with out knowing what it is, until you can love your self first then you can be happy and look for the person who can love you as much as you want" and i cried at everything being said so much things he told me later it had me shaken up but i guess it was real.

I wasn't sad be cause i don't have anyone to love or cause am lonely but because am desperate to have something to make me feel good and distracted my self from me, am unhappy because am unhappy with my self and i need to change that!, hopefully only that will help me to trust my judgments and find someone who can show me a real relationship :/.
later guys peace- green me

Feeling like new moon- what else should i do?

But what if this hole never got any better? If the raw edges never healed? If the damage was
permanent and irreversible? taken from new moon chapter 5... ugh i feel so horrible. a Scorn women is a broken glass; you cant paste the glass together if the pieces keeps breaking or smaller pieces are lost leaving gaps. you can replace the pain or fill that whole with a blanket but you can never hid the truth or forget it.trying to stay strong when my emotions try to break me down...another note saw the movie kung fu cyborg and chocalate for the 7th time, only good thing is forgetting my self and how i felt. also for the past two months my weight have drop fast leaving me to wear size 0 skirts. I've been eating twix twice a day(comfort food) its the oonly candy that makes me feel like crap but forget my worries a bit and feel a bit better. oh and let me share with you a convo:



Chry________ 1:42 am
...um why
cekococo 1:42 am
huh?
Chrys_______ 1:43 am
why are u sad
cekococo 1:45 am
saw a movie it was suppose i guess comdey but it turn out to be a romance movie and i got sad then i was like ill listen to music but it was sorta a love song so i got depress, and last i thought i look at live stream of which i regret
Chry________ 1:46 am
Shaniqua....Stop (this kinda made me feel ensure)
cekococo 1:46 am
?
cekococo 1:47 am
speak your mind
Chry________5 1:48 am
Stop being so depressed!
You being depressed i getti me Depressed but i wont let it happen so i just end up gettin mad
cekococo 1:48 am
am sorry
its just so hard that am hurting so much and i struggle to keep things together
cekococo 1:50 am
i try hard to put up a smile or atleast show some strength but there always something to remind me or hurt me . am sry chyrstal i dont want you depress
i leave you alone tonite and talk to you later
Chry________ 1:55 am
No its fine i just dont like seein u likethis
u cant do something this week that makes hapy?
cekococo 1:57 am
i dunno, mostly likely my mom wont let me leave the house to go anywhere but school and i guess just some homework to catch on. my games are hidden from.
cekococo 2:06 am
amma go look at vash i need to keep my mind distracted
Chry________ 2:09 am alright

sometimes i wish i could talk to him, to have him make me laugh or forget my worries and show hes hear but i keep the line invisible carefully not to touch the clear thread that i know would lead to my broken glass...

green me

Blogspot is connected with facebook

well a friend showed me how to connect my blog to facebook and now my post is shared on the two sites...i don't think thats suppose to make me any better but tis what ever. today i had some supportive friends drag me out the house to give me a lil social time. there kinda worried about my health thou. and i want to wish jin father and will a happy birthday along with celena twin friends. among other news if you read beginning to middle of new moon you'll understand how annoyingly i feel like the main character bella smh that am compare to her!.

What going on now?

-still no social life,
-aunt hid my ps2 and xbox360,
-been mostly locked up in my house,
-havent been eating much or healthy,
-been kinda depress and emotionally disturbed but am not showing that,
-and some scars from what my cat left on me( am the only person in the house who gets bite and scratch from her smh,
-still somewhat broke but am working out a plan thou,
-was wih held from going to my brother birthday :(
-been withdrawn from people lately(you could say am afriad to hang with both males and female,
-i dont trust my self as much but i do tell my self that i could keep trying( i dont wnat to feel weak or helpless i want to do something about it( but i got no motivation),
-still trying in school but not so hopefull since i end up stressed when fall asleep in class and miss the lecture
-as to the internet life just games and rping when i can

social life 0 school life 1 getting finical aid is not so far

Just as the title says it. Lately I've been anti social not because I want to but because I had to. Have to go to college takes more time out then doing your chores and by that am getting a lil social time. Also am doing very well in maths which am very proud to say but horrible in speech, my first demonstrative speech was terrible and I never want to remember it again!. As on finical aid my mom is planing to put some one on her tax so am happy so this me I can't can get finical aid and pay for college! Yay on other notes since I got my VCH piercing I been more happy and calmer. My cravings have dwindle and I've been satifed with some moments :).



Green succubus me

Am the Music Meister B*

Synopsis
The Music Meister uses his power to hypnotically force heroes and villains alike to assist him in launching a communications satellite and expand his power across the globe, and only Batman can stop him.

Neil Patrick Harris(Guest stars) -The Music Meister
Dee Bradley Baker -Clock King
Jeff Bennett -Batman (singing voice)
Grey DeLisle -Black Canary
John DiMaggio -Gorilla Grodd
Kevin Michael Richardson -Black Manta
Diedrich Bader -Batman/Bruce Wayne
John DiMaggio -Aquaman
James Arnold Taylor -Green Arrow

Music:
* I'm the Music Meister: Music by: Michael McCuistion; Lyrics by: James Tucker; Performed by: Neil Patrick Harris
* Drives Us Bats: Music by: Lolita Ritmanis; Lyrics by: Michael Jelenic; Performed by: Neil Patrick Harris
* Death Trap: Music by: Kristopher Carter; Lyrics by: James Tucker; Performed by: Neil Patrick Harris & Grey Delisle
* If Only: Music by: Lolita Ritmanis; Lyrics by: Michael Jelenic; Performed by: Neil Patrick Harris & Grey Delisle
* The World is Mine: Music by: Kristopher Carter; Lyrics by: Michael Jelenic; Performed by: Neil Patrick Harris, Grey Delisle & Jeff Bennett
* If Only (Reprise): Music by: Lolita Ritmanis; Lyrics by: Michael Jelenic; Performed by: Grey Delisle & James Arnold Taylor

Its Stuck in my Head AHHHHHHHHH

( you dont have to answer all lol sorry)- Dont Know what the hell am talking about then heres the show and its soundtrack

Go back to Recap

May 4,2009- post help you to achieve success. Do not count on others to help you -- you can only trust in your own strength. Although you may feel vulnerable right now.

April 22, 2009-

ok am going to write a list of things i need to do in my life if i can fully grow as a person

1. get a job- now i work but its usually internships that don't pay and volunteer work, i need to learn the responseibilty of a working class person( thanks to some great friends with there help i am able to get applications not i just need to try and do them....)-(edit) Still in progress And Postponed due to college

2.get a state ID- i want to get the license to drive and feel a bit grown up, lol i wanna drive around town with my friends-(edit)Got it now i just need a permit [fail the test twice :(]

3.look for a college and get accpeted- now i havent heard from any college and am a little worry but i just hope i can make it in to one and finally improve my education and find what i want to do in life, maybe i should do physicology and maybe medical technolgy or an social service but am afraid my emotions would get in to my work so maybe an enviornmental or political enviornmentalist-(edit) well i got in to college...but didnt get to pick a major so its in progress.

4.FIND A DORM OR AN APARTMENT AND MOVE OUT- now i know this may seem am moving to fast but being in my home is as stressful then breaking up. I need to women up and get out beside i like living for mmy self but food maybe a problem.-(edit)Postponed and i give my self till next 2 years to get out...food is still a issue!

5.find a hobby that would keep me active- i want to do kick boxing or muy thai or shadowkon , have alot of agression i want to vent using my body.-(edit) ugh! postponed i got friends who know this stuff and i still havent set up the time to do it with them >.<

6.go all out- i want to try crazy (legal) stuff because i know that life is only young once-(edit)...i give my self till next 3 years

7.Face fear- i want to face my mom and address our problem that we had so long and if she can't listen then she wont hear from me again.-(edit)its a waste of my time talking to that women so its just silence now.

8.graduitiude- i want to treat out my friends who stand by me in supportiveness and kindness-(edit) Honestly i fail at this but i can try again

9.meeting up with the past- i want to search for my long lost sister, i want to see the person who go seperated from me during my foster care years, it feels i need to gain my connect of my family.-(edit) Success and completed, whats cool about this is not only did i found her but i found out i got another sister and a older brother AND a niece and two nefews what a shock.

10.travel- i want to go to japan first and travel the world-(edit) postponed and i think japan will be third after i visit korean and germany.

11.being confident- i want to do something great in people lives what ever it may be-(edit)FAIL - i guess ill try again

12.spilurge -i want to go all out shopping-(edit)postponed until i get a job.

13.changing habits- i want to turn someone life around-(edit) i highly doubt this since it back fired so amma try again and postponed this

14.nationality- i want to gain a huge diversity of friends-(edit)well am starting to get friends from different places so its in progress

15. religously- keep going to church and pray and maybe one day do a missionary work-(edit)We'll see if i can do this, am starting to have second thoughts but i wouldnt mind volunteering.

16.Comapion- i want to get a pet any species but not spiders eeek lol-(edit) Success! i have a Cat name Sue and you can say shes like me. But i want another pet hoping for a puppy or iguana.

17.make wrong right- i want to confront anyone i did wrong and make a new beginning-(edit)fail, it only end up in silence so amma try again in the future hopefully , i give my self next year to do that.

18.stand up for your right- i want to keep being a activist of peace and hope for a better future-(edit) doing a project at y school that have a similar goal so its semi-check

19. be on tv or in a maginzine- i want to show any special talent that i have to the world or milliions of people and maybe conquer my fear of stage frieght.-(edit)I highly doubt that since i still despise being in front of people but doesnt hurt to look forward in the future.

20.try gymnastic- i use to be flexiable and still is a little but when i was small i wanted to do this so hopefully i do a class like this or yoga.-(edit) postponed when i get a exercise partner then you"ll see.

21.this should be at the top/taking chances- I want to be able to respond more quickly and grab what ever opporunity jumps like the movie yes man lol-(edit) i took one chance it wasn"t bad even thought i didnt get it , i held my head up and smile like a champ. I'll be waiting for more in progress.

22.marriage- i want to finally settle down and be happy with who ever i maybe with and have kids independently or not.-(edit) am not sure if i want to or be in a relationship :(.

23.party- go clubbling a little or a concert.-(edit) in progress I miss my first chance to go to a club so maybe next time i'll get the chance.

24.cosplay- iwant to cosplay and go to all kinds of anime conventions.-(edit)fail, but i keep trying even though it seems far in my life time!

25.donations- i want to donate 1,000 dollars to an organization of a good cause.-(edit) thats in the future so its postponed

26.underground trend- i want to be a hacker,inventor, steam punk and be a sexy geek.-(edit)....yeah probably in the next 3 yrs maybe?

well thats it for now i might update later and hopefully i can follow through with this.

-.- dont ask why its back

I realize a few things in my abesent! I don't know how to express or vent out my feelings, all it does is hold in and make me kinda isolate from people
2 FUCKING SPEECH CLASS- is funny vause i ahve to do a demonstrative speech on creating a blog UGH!
3 i was looking back at some old text messages that back up in my email and i found one that seems to i guess made me think differently? It help me remember why i dont tell my thoughts out but instead write it out. This was MAY 19 2009 "with my blog am scare of see my self as a bad person, things i write i know it hurt people and its just plain wrong if i dont want to share it, i care more about you then to let you see my ugly mind" but when i look at the response it was Leave it up....you shouldn't silence yourself for me"...so that it.
4 i realize i love writing in my blog so why not and have it up, its the only thing i ever stuck to since drawing and poetry
5 i know your reading this who ever and i want to say thanks for being my friend even though i piss you off and didnt try hard as you want, even though i was a ..? Weak-minded person you still delt with me so thank and the same goes to who ever too.
6 Am not doing well in college but am trying i guess,i do get worry for my friends and wish i could check on them.
7 Am gonna make a promise to my self that i know i could keep and that will be is to take life either a step or a huge leap. I want to change but for the better. Am hoping that i get to do big things in my life and not stray away from silly things.
I miss you guys all of you very dearly even though we had rocky times , i wish you guys would know how much i cared and wish things never happen to be close to you guys. Jerks or not your still somebody i sorta look up to. I mean who would deal with my drama and emotions for this long lol thanks.

....moving on cough* i had a dust in my eye OK

Green Me

Break down

i just wanna be alone and live out for my self.
it feels like its not worth the trouble to have friends anymore or explaining my self.
am done with people, am done with drama and back stabbers i just want to be my own.
all i can do now is just stress out and hope for the better cause really i never deserve this. i don't want to hear anything from the next few days then my own thoughts and am going to shut out all the negativity.I don't need nobody or their advices.


am glad to know thats god is watching me as i suffer finical, mentally, physical and verbally. thanks everyone who played a part. know am just gonna struggle and fight it off. With this blog being invisible so will i.

THE END.

If my feelings offend you enough there you go i remove it but honesty i doubt you would care about what i think anyway. i said my apologie and that enough but i always know that you can never speak for your self you will always have someone to speak about how you feel but never your self and with that it will be your failure. Cause am done putting my self out for your round about bullshit.

one and only by timberland

i feel like ugh..... heres a song


"One & Only"
(feat. Fall Out Boy)

[Verse 1 - Timbaland]
I get over heels for someone (I)
That I really can't deal with (deal with)
I want to block her out my mind
But I really can't do it
I tell myself this the last time
I'ma let her do this to me
Whenever we do spend time
I realize that I can't get enough of you

[Bridge - Patrick Stump (Timbaland)]
Wipe that smile off your fucking face (Let me say to you)
Wipe that smile off your face (Let me say to you)
Wipe that smile off your fucking face (Let me say to you)
Wipe that smile off your face (Let me say to you)

[Chorus (Patrick Stump):]
To be despised
To be loved
To be dreamt of
To be sought
I'm the inside of "I don't care"
Right in the middle
I'm right in the middle
To be despised
To be loved
To be dreamt of
To be sought
I'm the inside of "I don't care"
Be my unholy
My one and my lonely

[Verse 2 - Patrick Stump]
I wear scarves and hoods
'Cause it's the only poker face that I've got left
And everything I love about you is a mess
Smash the mirror and break the palm reader's hand
I want to be better than I am

[Bridge - Patrick Stump (Timbaland)]
(Let me say to you)
Wipe that smile off your fucking face (Let me say to you)
Wipe that smile off your face (Let me say to you)
Wipe that smile off your fucking face (Let me say to you)
Wipe that smile off your face (Let me say to you)

[Chorus (Patrick Stump)]

[Verse 3 - Timbaland]
Girl, just look what you've done
How could you do this to me?
I gotta put my foot down
I can't let you do this to me
I can't forget those good ole times
And all the things you've been doing to me
I wanna hit that one more time
I mean love, what your doing to me
I'ma say it loud, right here
Let's fuck in this crowd
Why we arguing
I thought me and you were supposed to be
Friends
Let's chill for minute
Better yet we could heal for a minute (for a minute)
Baby, put down the knife
Sometime I wanna save ya life
Why don't you

[Chorus (Patrick Stump)]

just need to clear mind

dunno how to get things off my chest always coming out wrong i dont even know if i did the right descion to confess. i should of just ignore it from the beginning and pretend it never happen or wish i had some way of explaining things with out no one getting hurt sigh no i can do about it the deed is done!


ma______ (1:23:19 AM): why? h____ played the whole shit off
Cekococo (1:23:58 AM): huh? explain
ma______ (1:24:34 AM): he said we could've just told him
ma______ (1:26:04 AM): lol i dont think he understood how u feel upt to today
Cekococo (1:27:04 AM): he never will he said it wasnt fair cuz i was with d____ and k_____ so why cant he do the same
Cekococo (1:27:31 AM): the thing is he set me up with kadeem and with davidv i was depress because of him its not like i wanted to
Cekococo (1:28:21 AM): he doesnt understand how hurt i felt and how i try to do what ever to over come it
ma______ (1:28:46 AM): lol! jesus christ u serious? he's just confused like i said he'll never get it
Cekococo (1:28:48 AM): my poems are just expression of bent up angusih but he'll never knw thta
Cekococo (1:29:32 AM): if i was ever honest to him would of never believe so might as well and not waste my words
m_______ (1:30:03 AM): oh well ditch him chick it aint worth the pain!
Cekococo (1:30:17 AM): yea i knw

no sleep no eat but push my body to a new limit

Last night i had no sleep i was up until it was time for me to go to class from then on the peaceful nosies of my teacher lecture and class mates conversations finally knock me to sleep.
I certainly don't feel like my self nor do i feel better more like am going backwards in to that chamber i speak of long before. Chrystal came by my house she was so great at distracting me then my cat had a 7th sense that led to her comforting me and in my last class a girl name Gloria manage to make me crack out a laughter while another friend missy show sympathy.

Before i knew it i was back home in the gloomy house, sitting in the dark on my laptop listening to my chemical romance, bloc party, avenge sevenfold, and linking park.I had the guts to go to my computer folders and post up my angry poem. i know its lost its touch and i know its another side i never shown.

i was shock of my self but not surprise. these words came out when i was in the shower and not one tear came out but the heated water heating me up with the furious feeling deep in me. sigh, i told myself that i was done with dating and e close with people they don't deserve my offer and my final sign has came to bite me back in the butt.

I've picking up the Independence and strength to cut my thickish cord. i was surprise and yet better that there was no remorse but only regret i didn't do it earlier. I counted down the days to when my next line will be cut as time seems to pick up faster. my eyes has open again to see a different light a more duller color.

What i did when i couldn't sleep? i talked on the phone with my insomnia people and push my body to burn. *breath* 76 crunches and 32 push ups with out stopping. hoping that when my body drops at its limit. I couldn't sleep in my sweat and with the nagging truth to burn at the back of my skull. I couldn't eat till 20 mins before my class and it was two oreos that couldn't settle right. I fed the cat a little more then usual and read Detroit metal city with its dark humor.... i have set my self a new value and new thought. i realize my mistakes and see love no longer exist and both male and females don't deserve what they get. all i can wish now is the consequences on thoses who wrong me and i rest in peace with a new mind and a hard heart. Ms.envy green has become the new independent thats all i need to right now later.

FUCK

Fuck Exscuse my lanaugue but i got steam to blow, oh and here's a pic of my new hair

random pictures

I feel Like Shit

i dont know how to write it,
how to describe it
it is what i mean but not how you think.
Am sorry to any one who i may offend,
break down or plain wrong blasted.
i cant seem to hold back on my emotions or release my mind.
i dont have that power or will to go on
i want to run , to go to the farest end and scream at the top of my lungs,
i want to to drink and feel that waves of emotions mellow and mix together
my mind slowly calming and my mouth letting any words come out,
i want to be in a fortress of solitude like superman, only i knw where it is and no one can ever reach there
i want to push my body to the limit and let it collasp for oxygen
and the sweat cool me down and my brain throbbing and heat takes over my body
i want the music so loud that everything drawns out and only the lyrics speak to me and the beat of the music move me to my dreams
i want to cry in the shower like i always do and feel that wave of relief
i want to laugh , and forget who i was for a second
....but i can't always have what i want just something to settle for,
you know?

Doll house- a friend sent this to me

lyrics- Priscilla Renea - "Dollhouse"

I’m just a girl, you’re just a boy
This is my heart, it’s not a toy
So what’s with you playing with my mind
We used to be cool, this used to be love
Now it’s become, something like a job
Like it or not, maybe things were changing right before our eyes

I tried to be a picture perfect girl
But you were in your own fantasy world
Tryna control me like some kind of barbie
but that just ain’t me

Cause I ain’t a doll, this aint a dollhouse
You’re way too old to be, puttin me down like this
and playing around like this
I ain’t a doll, this ain’t a dollhouse
No, I could never be, stuck living life like this
behind these four walls,cause I ain’t a doll

You call the shots, right down to my shoes
I liked what you liked cause you told me to
And i don’t think that you could even tell
I fell out of love, but it never showed
I gave up on us so long ago
But you’ll never know
baby don’t pretend like you know me so well

I tried to be a picture perfect girl
but you were in your own fantasy world
try to control me like some kind of Barbie
but that just ain’t me

I ain’t a doll, this aint a dollhouse
You’re way too old to be, puttin me down like this
and playing around like this
I ain’t a doll, this ain’t a dollhouse
No, I could never be, stuck living life like this
behind these four walls,cause I ain’t a doll

I’ll never be made of plastic
So glad that my heart’s elastic
No matter what you do
I’ll bounce back offa you
Cut me but I’m not bleeding

I tried to be a picture perfect girl
but you were in your own fantasy world
tryna to control me like some kind of Barbie
but that just ain’t me

I ain’t a doll, this aint a dollhouse
You’re way too old to be, puttin me down like this
and playing around like this
I ain’t a doll, this ain’t a dollhouse
No I could never be, stuck living life like this
Behind these four walls, I ain’t a doll

And I come with imperfections
Epitome of perfection
if you can’t understand, loving the way I am
then you’re no good for me, so glad i kept my receipt

thanks girl but you silly for sending me this jeez making me want to rewind damn you!

I Hate you Chyrstal, your a bitch

Chrystal______ is available (1:52:08 AM)
I...Memorize your special code I can get it anytime I want....Cant Nobody do it better,and you no it,you do,Cant nobody get it wetter Say you Know it,It's true..\Sex With My Ex-Ne-Yo(thats for you Niqua,lol)
Chrystal______ (1:52:34 AM): wwwooooww
Chrystal______ (1:52:38 AM): transfer of emotion
Chrystal______ (1:52:57 AM): now i bet u would feel guiltiy if u said something to him
Cekococo (1:55:20 AM): yea
Chrystal______ (1:55:44 AM): well that game is good but it isnt the best,lol
Chrystal______ (1:55:51 AM): isnt that girl there right now?
Cekococo (1:55:56 AM): did you i knw i ahte ur status and holding ur scrunchy hostage
Chrystal______ (1:56:11 AM): OMG
Chrystal______ (1:56:17 AM): ...well im not changing it
Chrystal______ (1:56:23 AM): IM going IN nows,lol
Chrystal______ (1:56:33 AM): i well post the whole fuckin song,lol jk
Cekococo (1:57:21 AM): lol fucking bitch
Chrystal______ is away (1:59:15 AM)

I...memorize your special code I can get in anytime i want You...say i'm just a bit too bold Know you want it tell me you dont Girl what's your problem I think you know good and well Aint nobody strokin like me Girl i'm your problem Made you set t...

Chrystal______ (1:59:32 AM): nice to no u care
Chrystal______ (1:59:43 AM): but i dont fuck therefore that statement is false,lol
Cekococo (2:01:55 AM): omfg BITCH I fucking hate your status ur ass is mine on a platter to hang on a wall girl lol.


Auto-response: Chrystal______ is away (2:01:56 AM)
"I...memorize your special code
I can get in anytime i want
You...say i'm just a bit too bold
Know you want it tell me you dont
Girl what's your problem
I think you know good and well
Aint nobody strokin like me
Girl i'm your problem
Made you set that bar high as hell
I aint what you want but i'm what you need

Cant nobody do it better
And you know it, you do
Cant nodody get it wetter
Say you know it, it's true
Cuz i love sex with my ex...girlfriend
I...i luv...sex with my ex...girlfriend

I...really like the way you go
Beggin me to not kiss right there
Oh and you...suddenly just lose control
Beggin me to smack it and pull yo hair
Babe, understand you got a new man
(tellin me that your in love, okay)
Oh girl that's your thing
Long as you understand i get mine anytime
Night and through the day

Cant nobody do it better
And you know it, you do
Cant nodody get it wetter
Say you know it, it's true
Cuz i love sex with my ex...girlfriend
I...i luv...sex with my ex...girlfriend

Cant nobody do it like i do it and you know it
One thing that it's always goin be true is
Once mine always mine

And you know it, you do
Say you know it, it's true
I...i luv sex with my ex...girlfriend
I...luv sex with my ex...girlfriend"

Chrystal______ (2:03:16 AM): awww the love is beautiful,lol
Cekococo (2:04:14 AM): lol you mange to have me wantin to choke a bitch
Chrystal______ (2:05:16 AM): its scary how close the song relates to you,lol
Chrystal______ (2:08:34 AM): i made the things that were really close to you in bold...your welcome
Cekococo (2:13:24 AM): lol u bitch
Chrystal______ (2:13:51 AM): Dont worry you'll have your revenge tomorrow,lol



now as much as i love this girl she just being a real bitch right now. Aint this shit so wrong. lord forgiven my lanuage but she manage to push my green button. Now this medusa looking gaint had the nerve to think she could get away with it. but i love her to much so amma drop but have only last word to say " chrystal you get the winner award for knowing that spitters are quitters and you never give up with that mouth full of vitamin C" :) love you too bitch.

Part 2- after she saw this
Chystal_____(2:27:08 AM): U bastard child!!!
Cekococo (2:27:26 AM): i knw who my daddy and atleast he pays his child support
Chrystal_______ (2:27:37 AM): GASP
Chrystal_______ (2:27:40 AM): My one feelings
Chrystal_______ (2:27:44 AM): It hurted
Cekococo (2:28:18 AM): dnt worry girl we'll suffer together
Chrystal_______ (2:28:30 AM): *Sigh*Its true,lol
Cekococo (2:28:32 AM): lol
Cekococo (2:28:47 AM): am just fine with my revenge. ;)

How can you stop the bleeding?

Note- am menstruating and moody and i got upset from somethings i heard today

How can you stop the pain if it comes from your own "friend". It makes you a great friend to take a bullet for them but does it makes u the same taking a bullet from them?
you do it to your self and so am i. There so many terrible things i want to say but i wont cuz its not me so i soak in all that negativity and breath out the positively forgetting that the toxins stay in my body.

i feel torn between two emotions. trust and anger and i dont knw which comes first. i dont know how to tell you stop or to remember our agreement. I want to scream shut but i want to show that am here for you. I took it in just for the benefit of being a friend, a person to remain in your life. what the fuck am i doing. i should of listen to everybody,
and make u invisible but i couldnt do it , it hurted to much( you were my first) and then u kept pullin me in to your game( watch you catch a mouse)
and not care to see what your doing to me.

you don't censored your words on love and you tell and share me the things that i wouldnt want to know about the other sex. honestly i can say it is you that made your self the victim, the puppeteer and confuser.

you want to mess with their minds( innocent or not ) but you end up messing with mine leading in to the same trap. why use the excuse of the past to justify your actions now. why throw away whats was good for a painful trail you'll create. why let me believe in the first place and next test your game on me if your not gonna put in to it.

am not with that, i wont stay loyal, i can't allow it to happen. its uncalled for.
grow up and be a man not a person who destroy lives. I can't break that old bond i have and memories i love. it hurts when u dont care what happens.

what i look like now with my new cat ears yay

 

my desktop pic lol

 

me on labor day and after jouver't with cam and paris

 

paji jins creation hes a wonderful artist

Here's my friend thoyiu poems

A person whose heart lingers

A person, whose heart lingers
Like a soul lost from its path
It wonders on looking for a reason
A reason to love
A reason to finding a purpose
To see how far it will go
How much pain it can take
To see how much darkness it can handle
The dark chains is what keeps his light sealed from the inside
Yet he finds away to break free
When he finds another heart lingering
They go off together in this dark world they call home
Many chains try and hold them back, but they break free
Which makes their love stronger
With their light so strong it can blind the devil himself
As they walk hand and hand through the darkness with their light
And linger on together
Forevermore


2.Medley of Hate

My eyes begin to turn dark
With the rage of anger
My soul burns from the flames
Of my depression
My heart is broken from the
Hammer of disloyalty
But as my heart beats
It beats a sad tune
A tune that can be heard from within
My mind can't function
Of this feeling
Like my anger is controlling my body
Like my body is grooving to this demonic sounds,
In my head
My mouth forming words to destroy the confidence of this person
Trying to sing the song of hatred
To harmonize the medleys of my hidden anger and song along to the music that
Bring many to point of self-destruction
I should calm down, but I'm to hurt to even stop singing
I bite my lip to watch it bleed out the notes and rest of my rage
As I sing this tune
This sad tune
This demonic tune
This Medley of Hate

3.
Empty Heart

This cold dark shell in my life
Everything feels out of place
Like nothing will ever feel right
No matter how much you try in life
Something comes to make you feel worse
Sometimes it’s best to give up when you have nothing left to believe in
Your hopes up on life
You like everything is perfect
Life is a cruel game
You only lost in the end
And the painful truth will always haunt you
Because you’re filled with darkness
So cold
So dead
So empty
*claps*

lol my told from ebony , issac, davey, kadsatar who gave me this name

thank you freedom

am ashame

I am going through a horminal time and i want to not gonna lie have sex ...... but i either try and distract myself or use my grunny sigh.

my buddy sent to me

Freedom______ (7:04:08 AM): You're never alone, I'm always near,
When your troubled, down or blue.
All you have to do is call me,
I'm always here for you.
It doesn't matter where I'm at,
It doesn't matter when.
When you need someone to talk to,
I'm here to be your friend.
If you need someone to hold your hand,
or a hug to say I care.
If you need a shoulder to cry on,
for you I will be there.
So never think you are a burden,
when the weight gets to be to much.
You might find if look hard enough,
a good friend could be the right touch.
You're never alone, I'm always here,
through the good times and the bad.
I'm always here to be your friend,
I don't like to see you sad.

Freedom________(7:07:20 AM): The best of friends,
Can change a frown,
Into a smile,
when you feel down.
The best of friends,
Will understand,
Your little trials,
And lend a hand.
The best of friends,
Will always share,
Your secret dreams,
Because they care.
The best of friends,
Worth more than gold,
Give all the love,
A heart can hold.


Freedom_______ (7:09:01 AM): I have a friend
Who is perfect for me
She listens to all my problems
No matter how dumb they may be
She likes herself for who she is
And never tries to change
She tells me to be myself
And that I should never change
She was shy on the phone
But she would still call
And we would talk for hours
About nothing at all
We would talk about love and life
And discuss what we wanted to be
She knew just how I felt
And how happy I could be
She listens to me patiently
But never judges what I do or say
She helped with all my problems
And never went away
I never once felt judged by her
How much that meant to me
That I could tell her all my dreams
And she would listen to me
My friend never goes and tells
What is dear to me
She keeps it all bottled up inside
And doesn't spread it like a bee
I am thankful for that friend of mine
Our friendship will never end
And she will always be there
For she is my best friend

New friend

got a awesome friend knows how to put on a smile

back in the line- my dating confes

well am going back to that no dating/ affection promise i made to myself. i just need keep my head in the books again and push to mature my self when am ready for anything. am so young and i can't fall in love cause i know ill be that blind girl who gets hurt in the end even if she the one who cause it.

blackstarkad am not emo just need to slow down be for i i end up in a car crash lol.

next stop on my road college and a job.

Dating confessions - what i can relate

Note: these aren't mines this is from.the nerve.com/dating confession.com these are some I found that caught my interset

1."I don't understand why one minute i feel so insecure about our relationship that I want to break up with you just for the sake of self preservation and the next I feel so confident about our relationship that I may actually tell someone I have a boyfriend, why is that???"

2."My best friend and i are 2 very pathetic, smart, independent, funny women."

3.It's never easy to end a relationship period, whether you've been together 5 months or 5 years. There will inevitably be anger, sadness and regret, probably on both sides. But as long as you're respectful, honest and don't prolong the doing, you shouldn't feel like a bad person. It's better to disengage and move past than to hang onto someone you don't want. It isn't fair to you or them."

4."How can you make me so happy one moment and so sad the next?"

5."You ended our relationship a month ago, after nearly 2 years together. I guess I wasn't quite the fantasy girlfriend you thought I was. Not that different to your poor ex-wife, what with me being human and all. Anyhow. I have felt like shit for a month. You email me today and amongst other banal cliches you say 'I saw your dating profile on msf. Good luck with that. I hope you meet someone nice. I'm sure you'll be fighting them off.' Patronising, crass fucking bastard. Why don't you stick the knife in a bit more, finish me right off. Like I am not in enough pain already."

5. "I'm going to miss you. Like a knife to the heart every day. I can't stop crying. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I don't think you realize how much I do love you. But, I can't keep watching this from the sidelines, not being able to at least register a blip on your radar. You'll never let her go. You'll never let me in. I didn't want to let you go...God I don't know if I'll survive it, actually...but, I had to. You never have fought for me, I've always fought for you. I can't fight anymore. Not when I finally realize that you'll never love me. I love you though, baby. Always."

6."I regret that I will never know how things could have turned out with you."

7."Did I really mean so little to you? You had me fooled, and good."

8."why do you get in touch with me just to say you'll tell me all about it soon? you'll explain it all soon? Then you wait another week and say the same thing? Are you trying really hard to hurt me? You don't have to try so hard. You have so much of my heart, it doesn't take much to hurt me. i'm so easily crushed. And because i am stupid or can't help it,or both, i keep asking for me, from you.

9."You told me you don't know what you want. Well, I think this latest decision of yours shows me that whatever you want is never going to be me. I hope she makes you happy."

10."I guess you figured I'd never see your ex's profile. Is that why you embellished details about her one night? When you were wincing from a lack of my affections, trying to get back at me with your passive-aggressive aggrandizement of her? How outstandingly beautiful, how this, how that? It was an uncouth conversation, your intent to try and make me as insecure as you felt. And it was one of the (many) reasons I decided to leave you. Well. A friend showed me the profile of a woman who hounded him for a date. Guess who it was? Your ex. She's so astonishingly banal in every way, I was shocked. My friend, having been on a date with her, said her banality is even more emphatic in person. Delusional and a liar, you."

11."How common is this situation? You meet a guy. He seems to like you. You like him. You get to know him a little bit, then you sleep with him. He doesn't seem to be able to have an erection. This happens a number of times. He pretends it is not happening. You do everything you can to help...be kind and understanding etc. He then dumps you coldly with a nice little comment to hurt your feelings. This has happened to me twice! I think you should get at least some kindness and sweetness from him for putting up with his problem shouldn't you?"

12."It has been a year since I last saw you. You used to be someone who held such power; I would have jumped at the chance to get back together with you. Now I just think you're pathetic."

13."I wonder if I'll ever give myself permission to be happy."

14."I want nothing more than to get over you."

15."This might be a little dramatic, but i haven't known you that long and i think i love you. am i going insane?"

16."If you wanted to hurt me, you picked the very best, most efficient way. You knew I wanted you here. This was the week you were supposed to be here, but you turned it down, using all sorts of excuses. Instead, you're spending this week with her? What happened to those excuses? They don't count with her? I'm tired. I loved you. Body and soul forever kind of love. I always will, but I can't be your joke anymore. I hope you get the life you always wanted, I really do. But, I can't be in it anymore. I tried, but I'm sorry. I'm not that strong. Not when I love you so much. You destroy me, and think nothing of it. You always want me to stick up for myself and fight? Well, baby, I am. Goodbye."

17."You're right. I am beautiful, and I am lovely. You, on the other hand, are not. You are a terrible person and you'll get what's coming to you one day."

18.Bloody hell, it's as though I wrote that post myself. I feel a sense of humiliation for still missing someone who ultimately deserted me at precisely the time I needed to be loved more, not less. It totally and utterly sucks. I've just dipped in to the dating sites and instead of being excited about the possibility of meeting someone new, I just feel an aching sense of loss. I hope to God it goes away because I can't live with it much longer."

19."Yes you weren't very nice to me towards the end, but we had so much fun, so much closeness for 18 months. We kissed all the time. I knew I loved you after our third date, you said you'd fallen for me before then. What did I do to make you slowly change your mind about me? What do I need to change about myself to make you come back to me? This is hell. When will it stop being hell?"

20."Im genuine, I really am. Sorry you are full of BULLSHIT!"

so many thoughts so many words

where do i begin... sigh... am sorry mylez.

A Clever Letter from a friend

Where is your blog?
Lost in a fog?
Across a cold bog?
With a ferocious guard dog?
And a big bull frog?
That sits on a log?
Drinking his nog?
While I sit here in this dark corner contemplating my toes and hoping one day to find that life is more than a string of random messages from obscure people with deep complexes and rare skin diseases but is rather something like that single moment before dawn when the sun's first beams just lightly touch the brightening sky with colors that warm the soul and lift the spirit. Much like you.

I await your missive.

Rich H

Deep Thinking on the 2 Train...

Life is not what it seems, when you make believe.
When you think you see the future, its just a dream
You can make it happen but most times you can't
Just reaching for that invisible ladder
To be free is just a great responesibity, to live in a cage has none
What do I look for, why can't it happen, I want what I want, but I can't have it
Words are just tall tales some with a road others with a step
I notice in my self that my emotions break me but I guess its there to make my shell harder or scar me about life
What am I doing to be happy?, it feels like am following orders and hurting myself along the way.
What do I thrive for, so undeceives and lost.
I always knew it can hurt to get up, and cry when your not close.
I know I wreck my self but I didn't know I can pick up
Amazingly I have cut off my love support to survive and not living off for a while
I don't think am ready, my mind still the same, am thinking back again
Well am losing my mind this time, this time am losing my mind
Then I won't hold back when am ready,
Its amazing to see am still in the same spot, unchanged, unloved, unfeel, unseal, unkeep, not real.

It will happen soon, I can tell, when life is alter and am out of the shell, I won't be the same, I won't hold your hand, ill be the anti, out spoken and raw, my smiles will be the same force and un-true, my memories will erase to make a new,
Who will I be?, what will I do? Who will be he the one I choose? How can I see? This is just a dream?
Question left to be un answer or aren't true.

Will I think the anew, and sleep like I always do?
My worries comes true and my dreams died in my memories, am haunted by the truth why can't they see that.
Am a danger to my self, am a danger to my friends and when it come to love am a danger to the end
I no longer see my faults just those who will see its there fault.
Amazing how my heart beating again only to show its false hope and wanting to freeze again. I guess am not ready for love if am losing care. Maybe I should be asexual, no contact, not touch, loving or kisses, just no other but my self and my thoughts to be with.
I will do the unthinkable the bold and beautiful, I will share my self to no individual, to care, to hold, to caress or told, to work and to teach, and give them a speech, to protect and heal as I serve to be, you may not understand this but I belong to noone. I just like being hold, if I fall today, ill push the hand away, to be alone feels good even if it hurts sometimes,
What is this calling?, its negative or positive I know it really me.

boy do i have a trip to tell you O.o

yes i know this blog was to be deleted and i was close to doing it but people such as chyrstal, camille, andrez and jimbreel threaten me so i decide to keep it but i wont go back on posts. now i cant wait to tell you about my trip to my brother house and working at prospect park. laters

confusion

Well remember the guy I was talking about before. Well I was thinking over what some of my friends say and I think I like him a lot! But it still contradicts on my feelings and thoughts. I mean I like him but I don't want to admit that I want to try again am still afraid. Its weird but I can't go a day with out talking to him and. I listen to his songs repeatedly lol am not obsessed I just like them. Am also scared that if I should put my full trust in this?. What ever the verdict be it will be posted on here. ?.?.



verdict.... were not dating and i dont think i like him as much should i still try?

......? i dunno

Am wondering if i should start anew and hope the pain erase or wait and mature till am ready... i dunno i feel so confuse. I still dont trust ppl as much but i also been feeling lonely. Sigh getting stabbed hearts but does reviving a heart hurts more or make it stronger. Am afraid of making the same mistakes but i feel maybe i should try???. Why is this so hard? Maybe am just gong to fast, yea i'll just wait out and hopefully time will tell me how to do it while and working out the problems on the side. lately i've been beating up my self self being envious of some people, wishing to look better or improve something about me. I dunno i feel so ugly and horrible inside and out. I want to change but am afraid for the worst will come to me. One baby step at a time i guess and then the big step for being free. Anyone please pray for me. And thanks myles for keeping me smiling even though its been short you still mange to break that wall and push my buttons lol.

On a another Note its so sad to see girls lose there hearts to jerks and there virginity but keep string girls. just know that things may never be forever but a new rose is willing to grow.

well whats new?

Hmmm I met a awesome new friend. He's very talented and certainly don't look like his personality lol. He can dance. Sing.produce music, kick boxing, muay tai, computer nerd and gamer not to mention a skate boarder. He reall cool and seems to knw a great deal of anime which is pretty awesome. Even though today was boring and I was feeling sick he was cool to give me a couple of laugh and share his music and anime. I made it clear that am not dating so dnt get the ideal I know who you are but he a cool friend. He's nice enough to teach me some moves so yay for me. Also am getting ready to visit my brother this weekend so excited while dreadeding the fact I gotta go to megder evers and math class. and

Sigh felt that weight again...

I cried a lot this morning. I was going back in to my old phone to use at work the one I had be4 my g1 and well there was so much things left on that phone it was so painfull holding . All I could do was try to delete as much as I can and read less. But some of the words still hurt me even if it was just one like missing you or morning luv. It took a while to cope with my self but I'll be alright. :(. But it may take a day or to to recollect my self. Sigh my chest feel so heavy again. Other news I pass out yesterday at work!. I hadn't eat breakfast or drink anything from the rush and not feeling hungry. It was werid you know when you got in the water and your ears are fill so you can't hear and your eyes are blurry but when you close them its dark well that's what happen to me it was scary my body went numb and it felt hard to breath I couldn't remember anything more after that execpt drinking water and a truck carrying me out the forest. Well today I made sure I tried to eat but it was diffult I wasn't hungry and it made me feel sick to eat but I had to do what was healthy for me can't have the same thing twice in two days. Well that's it for now seems am thinking about closing it but my friends are bothering me about keeping it up . I might consider it.

Hmmmm.....Today

well lets see today i woke up early to find out that i had no work because of the rain yay. But i was teary this morning cat allergies got to me and my eyes were red and swollen plus i was sad i couldn't see a friend go( i cried for a bit). Then my new friend/co-worker came over by me and we shared infos on each others lives, pasts and loves. we had a great bond and she cried at one of my poems. We made pancake hearts and broken hearts and played rock band in which we unlock and got better at some songs. And am proud to say for the first time i got 70% on welcome home by coheed and cambria. I learn some new songs that i can't wait to practice. Am still not ready for expert so amd taking my time. Soon i need to get on tales of vaspira and complete that stage am stuck on. One of the three things that got me caught off guard two day was a text message that kinda surprise me to be honest i still think its the end, the second my co-worker who told me most of her secrets felt she trust me alot and said she would like me to join in a threesome with her bf which was WoW and kinda cool shhhh!and the last things was finding out a close friend of mine lost her virginity to one of the guys who violated me the same day even though i gave her warnings from before but she feel confident he would go to anyone after her so all i can say is she can do so much better.

On to other matters am not going in to any dating, am still closing off and its very diffucult getting close to guys. Am still keeping a wall and distance. A memo for the guys that are trying to get with me just forget it and push your luck on some other girl am not taking any chances or letting any control over me.

:'( It hurts again and all i can do is pray

Its all back to me why does it hurt again? i want this buried and forgotten. I feel so stupid. Can someone just please tell me am Stupid and dumb. My heart and brain is just in two different places. my brain knows all and can deal with it but my heart is just so gullible and stupid. I want curl in to a corner and write poems and hear the lyrics that speak to me in repetition so i can dream freely with out any stakes to feel. I wanna be back at the hospital in the cool room laying on my bed with the yellow walls and the silence around and machines hum and i'll fall in to a deep slumber with out any thoughts and dream away. This is how i feel but i dont want to feel i just want nothing but my day dreams. Wishful thinking is my delay and life disappointments.


I was speaking to a guy and well here's how the convo go.
__________ (7:58:19 AM): i miss yu deadass
Cekococo (8:04:09 AM): why i dont understand?
Cekococo (8:04:30 AM): i dont get it what is it there to like about me why am i so interesting to you
Cekococo (8:05:49 AM): all i did was extend a hand and a cold shoulder. i dont deserve this and you show know better. there plently of girls i bet who would love your attention and affection. Am just not one of them.
Cekococo (8:06:23 AM): am nothing really, you dont know how i could mess you up or treat you like dirt or maybe in the end ill just get hurt.

Sigh i never thought i could be direct like that it werid how it came out so bluntly i wish i could take it back but its the truth!.

Part 2

Cekococo (8:08:23 AM): i still dont get whats interesting about me
Mi__________ (8:09:29 AM): everything
Cekococo (8:12:37 AM): i wish i could see that but i dont and probably never will and stop wassting your time. just go look for another girl plz!

I want this to stop. i don't want any guy save me or come close.

Green Me Alone

What's wrong with me?

I guess life wasnt done with me yet. You live through so much disappointment that you get use to it later on and I think life is just preparing me for the worst. That. Means am a super trooper because you knw what I say fuck everything and hold a smile on my face as I keep trying to do my best.....But its still hard to cope with my feelings sigh... I guess am emo wishing i was there with the group. Oh well Life is Unfair and a bitch so ill be alive and kick back with vengence when am older MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! ;(

Ugh!.. I think am emo

Today i feel shitty mostly from my 3 previous posts.
Am still holding on to that rope of hope and push my self to new lenghts.
But i feel some setbacks are catching up with me and i dunno how i can keep up holding on to that rope.

was alone for church today and worst yet all my friends there graduated or move to another church so it get sad there. My mom was like why didn't you invite your ex before he go and i got annoyed when she does that i think she just trying to prove a point or something and still blame me for the break up which was like how long , i wish she just drop it.

I realize the reason of why i didnt like working and its because my pay checks are never to stay for me to save but to go to my mom bills and my debts from her sigh!
whats the point of me working if i can't keep the money this always happen to me!.

on the side note my friend boyfriend is going to teach me free running while his girlfriend is just gonna learn back flips. i think thats great because i always love and wanted to do acrobats and marital arts.

which reminds me if i do mange to save money i can maybe use it to do shadowkan marital arts and kick boxing for self defense and fun :) maybe i can get in the sport of it lol.

yay i stop crying!!! its been 5 nights in a row. i didnt know how i can go through the day with out tears but i mange and leave it at home.

ohhh let me put up a list of songs i've been listening to alot all week. In a way they show how i feel alot lately if you notice the lyrics or titles.
Artist/Band - Song Title

Adele - hometown glory( high contrast Remix & original)

Alice In Chains - Man In The Box

30 seconds to mars - Attack, Beautiful Lie, The Kill, Capircorn

Amy Winehouse - Back To Black

Beyonce - Beautiful Nightmare(first mix), Sweet dreams, broken Hearted girl, Why don't you Love me, Hello, Radio, Save the Hero, Scared of lonely, Smash Into you

Kayne West - BitterSweet, Stronger, I wonder, Love knock down

Panic! at the disco - Boys will Be boys, I write sin not Tragedies, Nine In The Afternoon, There's a reason why those table are numbered honey.you just don't notice them

My Chemical Romance - Cemetery Drive, Early Sunset Over Monroeville, Famous last words, The Ghost Of You, Jack the Ripper, Kill All Your Friends, Its not a fashion statement its a death wish, Vampires wont hurt you, Thank you For The Venom, This Is How I Disappear, The End

Daft Punk - harder.better.faster.stronger, Something About Us

Faith no more - Epic

Avenged Sevenfold - GunSlinger, Seize the Day

Ian Van Dahl - I can't let you go, Just a girl looking for a heart beat

Omarion - Ice Box

RadioHead - Creep

Keri Hilson - Knock You Down

Dream Threater - Panic Attack

Sound Garden - Black Hole Sun

Vanilla Sky - Umbrella

Coheed And Cambria - Welcome Home

Bob Sinclair - World Hold On

Lets see.. how am feeling?

These past three days have taken a toll on my body am so exhausted but i feel great from a day of work done. Today again i worked on my break and didnt eat. i did triple times the work then i was suppose to my feet are swollen and hurting. my arms are tired with cuts from hooked rods and i smell like duck weed that fill the pond and that i remove from fishing poles man am i tired.

I've been going to sleep during the day or go to bed early. Also i keep sleeping where ever i go out with friends i guess i just need more rest!. This morning i was feeling a bit of pain at my abdomen from when one of the guys that touch me there yesterday. And today my friend brought her boyfriend who very tall and does free running and did a back flip which was cool.

Am a little upset that my ex im me last night( but its my fault for not telling him what am doing) and told me how many days he has left. It only me made me sad and hurt a little more. I would of prefer it if he didnt remind me and maybe contact me till after he's there i dunno.

I feel so conflicted now because i want to have a bf( just to get rid of the lonely feeling) but more then ever i cant trust guys now and my heart still hurt is afraid of loving anyone. i feel so mess up but am just trying to concentrate at the task at hand and that is to work, do good and support my self.

Also i realize every time i hang or meet up with guys i always bring my best friend cam or any female friend. I realize am really afraid to be around guys let alone my self that there has to be a large distance between me and them or some one there that a female.

I don't think i want to be around males anymore

....phew this is hard but i feel this is the only place where i can let this out. But this week i got violated twice and all i feel like is hating myself and being uncomfortable around guys.I dont think i want to date anymore but cause now i feel only guys want me sexually and ppl i thought who i trust use it against me i feel so ashame.

so next week is when he leave....my last reflection

Hey guys i made a promise to my self i wouldn't write here until am in my college but i feel i needed to get things off my chest and i will be deleting this blog when i reach my 100 post :(( sorry guys but its my way of shedding old skin like a snake).


where do i begin???
Am a terrible person :P but i still try to live a good life.
but yeah so... um...how am i feeling??? words can't describe it but its not a good feeling and not something i will dwell on. But as i think i realize my heart is still a little hurt and sad just a bit not a lot like before. I want to get everything off chest so am not going to beat around the bush. one more thing i am shutting down my emotion from love until after college. Am going to miss him very much and even though am slowly healing its still good to hear from him.

here's a convo i had with a friend getting it off my chest.
cekococo(08:48 PM):Harold leaving next Tuesday
___________(08:48 PM):how much ur getting paid and stuff
___________(08:48 PM):Damn
cekococo(08:49 PM):Am getting paid 7.25 a hr
___________(08:49 PM):Cool
___________(08:49 PM):i started to eat again
cekococo(08:49 PM):Yeah
___________(08:49 PM):it was hard but im ok
___________((08:49 PM):the emotional part is a long way to go
cekococo(08:50 PM):I feel werid about him leaving there so much I want to tell but I want to leave it buried lol
cekococo(08:50 PM):_________ is lucky she gonna hang with him the night before he goes. i wanted to hang with him and spend time with him before he goes but that just old thinking ya know am no longer in that position.
cekococo(08:51 PM):Amma stay strong I might cry but atleast no one would see it
___________((08:51 PM):you still got time yourself
cekococo(08:51 PM):? Huh
___________((08:51 PM):If you wanna tell him bye you should
cekococo(08:52 PM):Nah its less pain that way
___________((08:52 PM):leaving stuff buried just means you wish it wasnt sometimes
cekococo(08:52 PM):Am going to let him live life past free
___________(08:52 PM):hm
cekococo(08:52 PM):No matter what I say won't change the fact of how he feel nor me
cekococo(08:53 PM):I won't waste my last refelctions
cekococo(08:53 PM):Its time for me to grown up, buried the past, and wish him luck in love and life
cekococo(08:54 PM):Am happy cuz he's going to be happy and I don't need to wreck what's going good for him
cekococo(08:54 PM):I love him but I can't love a shadow
cekococo(08:55 PM):And I knw I will miss him terriblely but I need to admit fact
cekococo(08:55 PM):And even though I knw everyone leaving me amma still be the same green me lol

the thing is i was kinda upset we couldnt hang before he leave or ask me to hang and the fact that i knew there going to be a going away party and they didnt invite me but my best friend...but may am not ment to be there? or am not a friend but just a past burden? i feel like that kid who gets pick last or no one ever want that kid on there team. :( :(

other things i need to get off my chest am still planing on moving and despite my mom health is the only reason why am still in this house, if she wont help her self and wont take my help then am not needed to be there any longer.

another thing i want to get off my chest is that i had a dream of having a baby with someone( dream freak me out for 2 weeks) but that all am saying.

lets see what else...i think after tonite i might not talk to my ex any more just to help him leave back all the past cause he kinda right whats the point of coming back to a place that only done nothing good for him and people too. And to help me deal with my feeling of lost and loneiness of a heartache that came back. That way i dont have to get depress.

hmmm....i want to get a vch piercing but am far to nervous and shy and i wish i had the support of someone to be there. and in my third year of college a snake bite :).

oh and i am ashame to say but am still letting guys take advantage of me and i wonder why is when i fight back they dont take no for a answer. i lost trust in guys more now its scary how they can suck you in and you can't take it back.

oh and i envy of someone who get to do alot more then i can, i mean i would to if i had the support for it.

am startng to feel my best frend is using her negativity and fear to control her and hurt me. She gets envious of me and feel we have to be in competition and it makes me feel she trying to live a shadow life and not go beyond that point. Like i lost my old best friend and gain one who see's me as a idol or enemy.

i want to do what my ex is doing. move out and live another life. i want to do that so badly but i feel its out of reach for me. maybe i should as him if he wants a roommate lol that would never happen for sure.

when i took a shower tonight i cried a little not alot because i rememebr the things i had wish for not to long ago. things i had on my list that would never be completed.

and since my stress cause my lady day to be off balance and i dont have it this month. i've been getting a lot of urges and am trying to fight it but i feel that i will do something to regret which i don't know what. i feel ashame that i want pleasure so badly even when am not in the mood.

oh and i still think my bro wifey still hates me and it really does hurt when i feel am being in the way of someone friendship or relationship.

I feel so dumb like a jackass. My brain knows the deal but its like my heart don't want to heal. It just makes me more angry with my self to see that my heart doesnt want to get over whats already gone and lost. My brain is like ok time to adjust to life changes. but now the hurt is back and its annoying me it makes me feel like am willing to do anything to forget this heartache! argh! well all i can do is keep trying to better my life and ajusting to changes with a fail heart. :\

Green Me Confessions

that my confessions for now.