Trying to fill that gaping hole

Well I had a good evening with some friends but I couldn't escape the empty feeling I had. I guess I was'nt distracted enough, probably while I acted kinda off today. I try to look like my self but I was just dead doing it, I know they hadn't notice. Only thing that kept me intact was the music. The loud metal and rock that fill my ears and erase my mind. No matter how much I think back on his words I feel so lost!? How can I love my self to the brink of happiness?, how can I fill that gaping whole that devour my stomach and heart? What do I need to do to forget my emotions and live life with out a care in a world?...my friends are getting worry, they been closely monitoring my emotions and physical appearance. I can't seem to stick to the distance I put for my self. I always end up slipping and hurting my self. I want to do so much but yet I feel like i'll end up going extreme. And that's when my worry friends come in. They know what I been thinking but am never the type to act on what I think. I got back some tests and all I felt was more discourage and stressed. I realized I set a impossible goal for my self and drag my self further to hell. I have no inspiration or happy thoughts to go in my head. Is it so wrong to wish to be in the hospital again? I mean I know its a wrong place but I see it as a solitude. I can be in a place where am comfort and can think to my self with out fearing the worst. Am far from everyone and hour and mins phase me in my sleep. I also notice I've been hyperventaling lately, mostly when alone in my room. It takes a short time for me to get it under control because I shut my mind and call a friend. I won't lie am scared that one of these days I won't control it and know one won't know. But I won't let it happen. I learn that I don't trust life or anything else, cause even if am expecting something am always feeling the worst. Honestly said I can't remember my best years or days? Its like I live life in hell and faked happy memories to get by. I also learned I lied to my self because I couldn't handel the truth and by that am only hurting my self even more. I don't know my self anymore. Well its 3:45 am and am not tired at all, I spoke to a old friend I was glad he was doing better to say the least but I couldn't help but feel like am hiding something or protecting my self by the way I talked to him( like choosing my words wisely)...well hopefully i find a way to heal.

Green me Lost