so next week is when he leave....my last reflection

Hey guys i made a promise to my self i wouldn't write here until am in my college but i feel i needed to get things off my chest and i will be deleting this blog when i reach my 100 post :(( sorry guys but its my way of shedding old skin like a snake).


where do i begin???
Am a terrible person :P but i still try to live a good life.
but yeah so... um...how am i feeling??? words can't describe it but its not a good feeling and not something i will dwell on. But as i think i realize my heart is still a little hurt and sad just a bit not a lot like before. I want to get everything off chest so am not going to beat around the bush. one more thing i am shutting down my emotion from love until after college. Am going to miss him very much and even though am slowly healing its still good to hear from him.

here's a convo i had with a friend getting it off my chest.
cekococo(08:48 PM):Harold leaving next Tuesday
___________(08:48 PM):how much ur getting paid and stuff
___________(08:48 PM):Damn
cekococo(08:49 PM):Am getting paid 7.25 a hr
___________(08:49 PM):Cool
___________(08:49 PM):i started to eat again
cekococo(08:49 PM):Yeah
___________(08:49 PM):it was hard but im ok
___________((08:49 PM):the emotional part is a long way to go
cekococo(08:50 PM):I feel werid about him leaving there so much I want to tell but I want to leave it buried lol
cekococo(08:50 PM):_________ is lucky she gonna hang with him the night before he goes. i wanted to hang with him and spend time with him before he goes but that just old thinking ya know am no longer in that position.
cekococo(08:51 PM):Amma stay strong I might cry but atleast no one would see it
___________((08:51 PM):you still got time yourself
cekococo(08:51 PM):? Huh
___________((08:51 PM):If you wanna tell him bye you should
cekococo(08:52 PM):Nah its less pain that way
___________((08:52 PM):leaving stuff buried just means you wish it wasnt sometimes
cekococo(08:52 PM):Am going to let him live life past free
___________(08:52 PM):hm
cekococo(08:52 PM):No matter what I say won't change the fact of how he feel nor me
cekococo(08:53 PM):I won't waste my last refelctions
cekococo(08:53 PM):Its time for me to grown up, buried the past, and wish him luck in love and life
cekococo(08:54 PM):Am happy cuz he's going to be happy and I don't need to wreck what's going good for him
cekococo(08:54 PM):I love him but I can't love a shadow
cekococo(08:55 PM):And I knw I will miss him terriblely but I need to admit fact
cekococo(08:55 PM):And even though I knw everyone leaving me amma still be the same green me lol

the thing is i was kinda upset we couldnt hang before he leave or ask me to hang and the fact that i knew there going to be a going away party and they didnt invite me but my best friend...but may am not ment to be there? or am not a friend but just a past burden? i feel like that kid who gets pick last or no one ever want that kid on there team. :( :(

other things i need to get off my chest am still planing on moving and despite my mom health is the only reason why am still in this house, if she wont help her self and wont take my help then am not needed to be there any longer.

another thing i want to get off my chest is that i had a dream of having a baby with someone( dream freak me out for 2 weeks) but that all am saying.

lets see what else...i think after tonite i might not talk to my ex any more just to help him leave back all the past cause he kinda right whats the point of coming back to a place that only done nothing good for him and people too. And to help me deal with my feeling of lost and loneiness of a heartache that came back. That way i dont have to get depress.

hmmm....i want to get a vch piercing but am far to nervous and shy and i wish i had the support of someone to be there. and in my third year of college a snake bite :).

oh and i am ashame to say but am still letting guys take advantage of me and i wonder why is when i fight back they dont take no for a answer. i lost trust in guys more now its scary how they can suck you in and you can't take it back.

oh and i envy of someone who get to do alot more then i can, i mean i would to if i had the support for it.

am startng to feel my best frend is using her negativity and fear to control her and hurt me. She gets envious of me and feel we have to be in competition and it makes me feel she trying to live a shadow life and not go beyond that point. Like i lost my old best friend and gain one who see's me as a idol or enemy.

i want to do what my ex is doing. move out and live another life. i want to do that so badly but i feel its out of reach for me. maybe i should as him if he wants a roommate lol that would never happen for sure.

when i took a shower tonight i cried a little not alot because i rememebr the things i had wish for not to long ago. things i had on my list that would never be completed.

and since my stress cause my lady day to be off balance and i dont have it this month. i've been getting a lot of urges and am trying to fight it but i feel that i will do something to regret which i don't know what. i feel ashame that i want pleasure so badly even when am not in the mood.

oh and i still think my bro wifey still hates me and it really does hurt when i feel am being in the way of someone friendship or relationship.

I feel so dumb like a jackass. My brain knows the deal but its like my heart don't want to heal. It just makes me more angry with my self to see that my heart doesnt want to get over whats already gone and lost. My brain is like ok time to adjust to life changes. but now the hurt is back and its annoying me it makes me feel like am willing to do anything to forget this heartache! argh! well all i can do is keep trying to better my life and ajusting to changes with a fail heart. :\

Green Me Confessions

that my confessions for now.