My Anthems

I found a songs that represents me for me. I decide

its from beyonce ablum i'll update the different songs but so far Halo, save the hero, scared of lonely and why don't you love me.

:) I will be taking a break so I dunno whether to close my blog or not so awmma think to my self for a while love you guys

:) I can finally stop dreaming

e do it so...if you have questions for me to answer just leave a comment on my latest post or aim me at cekococo@aim thanks :)

A promise is a BS in my life

I learn another thing about my self that i hate promises now. All my life people promises me things and i gain disappointment and lies in the end. when you feed me a promise i hold on as if its the truth of the bible. I begin to hope more for it and dream it would happen see it at the goal. but then that person cuts there end and things fall apart from me and am in denial of it ever happening and i fall deep in disappear and see that hope is all lost. Its hurts me more then things i know have. I begin to doubt things and see reality is a bitch a world i refuse to acknowledge. How can i defeat this but to stop believing in people bull. i keep my hopes and my strength high and its drops when a end is broken. when i was young i was always told that i'll get to see my father... when was that time coming, or when that person say" ill get you this or one day we'll go there" i still wait, or that love can bloosm to a long thing but never last and in the end i see that am still hoping. i want to stop believing and being fed of hope or else i will cling on. dont hurt me by filing me with lies.

green me keep your promise or don't fill me with lies

Am like wonder woman

Am like wonder woman
no more then that
i dont use wrist bands to defect bullets
i use my body and my mind
when the good is not serve
i make sure am there to give it
watch me take those hits and
pull myself quick
i'll use my strength to take down
that pain or guilty trip
when push come to shove
am really passive agressive
but when my time come
i take the chance and fight back
and no longer be use as there pawn
instead of a rope of truth
i use my words to commuticate
and read your thoughts and persona
then use my power to shift shape as your self
you'll see the light and dark
of what you are
but i realize i can be low
my weakness is my sickness
my sickness is my feelings
when i feel so much its power i gain from you
but when that power is cut or loss
am fallen and distraught with no clue at all
when i try to be strong am over power by weakness
so it takes a friend hand to recharge my powers
am a person who fear but force to face it
i live indenile and act in faith
would i ever reach my fate
when you make a promise dont make me listen
because ill strongly hold on
even when time changes
a promise is a powerful blow to me
because as a hero i face disappoinment
and i can never live life the same
so am more then wonder women whos face trials
and feels pain as a human
and cry like an ocean

green me i wipe my tears yet again

My life plan list

ok am going to write a list of things i need to do in my life if i can fully grow as a person

1. get a job- now i work but its usually internships that don't pay and volunteer work, i need to learn the responseibilty of a working class person( thanks to some great friends with there help i am able to get applications not i just need to try and do them....)

2.get a state ID- i want to get the license to drive and feel a bit grown up, lol i wanna drive around town with my friends

3.look for a college and get accpeted- now i havent heard from any college and am a little worry but i just hope i can make it in to one and finally improve my education and find what i want to do in life, maybe i should do physicology and maybe medical technolgy or an social service but am afraid my emotions would get in to my work so maybe an enviornmental or political enviornmentalist

4.FIND A DORM OR AN APARTMENT AND MOVE OUT- now i know this may seem am moving to fast but being in my home is as stressful then breaking up. I need to women up and get out beside i like living for mmy self but food maybe a problem.

5.find a hobby that would keep me active- i want to do kick boxing or muy thai or shadowkon , have alot of agression i want to vent using my body.

6.go all out- i want to try crazy (legal) stuff because i know that life is only young once

7.Face fear- i want to face my mom and address our problem that we had so long and if she can't listen then she wont hear from me again.

8.graduitiude- i want to treat out my friends who stand by me in supportiveness and kindness

9.meeting up with the past- i want to search for my long lost sister, i want to see the person who go seperated from me during my foster care years, it feels i need to gain my connect of my family.

10.travel- i want to go to japan first and travel the world

11.being confident- i want to do something great in people lives what ever it may be

12.spilurge -i want to go all out shopping

13.changing habits- i want to turn someone life around

14.nationality- i want to gain a huge diversity of friends

15. religously- keep going to church and pray and maybe one day do a missionary work

16.Comapion- i want to get a pet any species but not spiders eeek lol

17.make wrong right- i want to confront anyone i did wrong and make a new beginning

18.stand up for your right- i want to keep being a activist of peace and hope for a better future

19. be on tv or in a maginzine- i want to show any special talent that i have to the world or milliions of people and maybe conquer my fear of stage frieght.

20.try gymnastic- i use to be flexiable and still is a little but when i was small i wanted to do this so hopefully i do a class like this or yoga.

21.this should be at the top/taking chances- I want to be able to respond more quickly and grab what ever opporunity jumps like the movie yes man lol

22.marriage- i want to finally settle down and be happy with who ever i maybe with and have kids independently or not.

23.party- go clubbling a little or a concert.

24.cosplay- iwant to cosplay and go to all kinds of anime conventions.

25.donations- i want to donate 1,000 dollars to an organization of a good cause.

26.underground trend- i want to be a hacker,inventor, steam punk and be a sexy geek.

well thats it for now i might update later and hopefully i can follow through with this.

....Last moment feelings

i feeling kinda depress but i'll make i mean i take so much hits am surprise am still standing but i aint mad its just the facts of life. I just hope more good then bad comes out. am just so hurt by so manythings but i know have great friends who cheering me on.

Life Is so torn

Life is hard and i know that we have to live past the troubles and move on. I am a worry freak, i worry about so many things that it brings stress on me. I know that obstacles are not made for us to stand and watch. I am also a jealous and self person. I can't stand the feeling of being replace or have something taken away from me. It makes me depress and ashamed. These are the bad persona i have and i know i want to conquer them or else i may never grow as a person. Now lately my emotions are feeling mix and torn and i decide to look for that new someone. But afraid that i wont be hurt the person that's hurt he will.

Now on a side note I am still in love with my EX and kinda do wish i could be with him but am not looking to hold on to something that may hurt more if i dont cut my self from old bonds. So maybe or sooner i will go in to the dating scene. Its actually a advice from my EX(to some who thinks he pushing me away that not true)he just wants me to be happy and not dwell on the past. Now i know i maybe rushing it but i can't lose opporunity as i did before so many times.

So who ever i maybe dating i dont want my past feeling to affect you so ill put in 80% in this relationship and try to work my way up. I will be deeply thankful if you can take away my pain and keep my spirits up. I know that think of the future a lot which keeps me held back and meeting disappointments so if you can keep my head in the presents i know that my worries will be gone. And if you can keep my simple rules i know you'll have me in your arms 1. keep me comfortable , if you don't check on what were doing i may drift apart, 2. Make me laugh, its the most important thing to me and keeps me out of the hell i've been, 3. respect my feelings, if u can try to understand them or listen i'll do the same, 4. push me, if you feel i need to do something. help me do it,5. reassurance, am a worry wort so i get doubtfully and depress, so by be there and reassurance i have nothing to worry about and last but not least 6. be your self and stay fit, i love a person who has a weird and special charm to them plus if your healthy it will help me to stay active and be healthy my self . thats all i ask for may sound a bit much but if you can try and do it then we got something good going on. oh and i may want to warn you i maybe a needy person so .... that base on what you choose. If you keep a open commuication with me then i believe no troubles will be in our way and keep me occupy.

i sound so silly writing that out but i hope me and my ex remain great friends and we triumph anything in our own way. I hope you can hold on to your promise as i will.

Oh i forgot one last thing what ever you Don't ever hurt my feelings because i'll will be be one hurt person it will be like you shot a rabbit just a reminder lol.

Green me and wish me luck

Texting ruin lives!!!

just the title state it, what my friend claim it, how my life had it

I think am slow for realizing this but the way how me my ex communicated our problems, thoughts and argument was through all forms of technology text,e-mailing, instant messenger, etc. And i realize only little i have heard his voice. And how he can't find my words to be serious or understand my emotional words. I began to realize under that unlimited free minutes text that there were no words of soul but definition. I could understand they way he did because i couldn't listen but only read. And i believe it was the same for him. Me and my best friend we mostly communicate through phone or in person so it makes it easier to settle our difference and hear each other out soulfully. I realize that i could have a full in person or off the phone conservation. I try to understand his meaning but read words would only lead to what you or i think so your not really hearing out the person. Its like a book you read it and you imagine how the words are being said and what you as the person decipher the message as. But if you have a teacher or author read those words out to you its completely different from what you thought or believe what it meant. Then that would create a misunderstanding of the situation or tale.

In this day and age the technology is growing to be fully in human lives and become the easy route for most of us. Texting is like removing the meaning and put thoughts to words you think you know and telling that person a explanation in a conversation. i think that why most couple use break up text these days because your able to not take in the full blow of rejection personally or emotionally hard. But if they imagine had the word being said or manage to mimick the person voice to what they read then there soming close to understanding maybe what the person write. Example : ITS OVER! because of the uppercare style it shows the person may scream it out in the comfort of their home but sometimes they may not mean it that way and so its a false way of commicating with them and its over/! may sound anyway you think the person is saying and with exclamtion a serious tone may be add to point it out but you would still imagine how they may be saying it. For me both words may sound a little the same high or low imaginative voice volume.

You can text how you feel but they can never know what it means by reading words on a screen!

So in words of yukina"Texting ruin LIVES!!!" how does that sound to you?

Green Me B**CHs!!!

Warrior seko lost a battle
dont worry
she'll be back for another one
and when she victorious
she'll cry out the sounds of life
and say its now my light
isaac the fellow she lead
has break away to be
she not sad because
she continue her journey
he's strong too he wont fall
and yukina by her side
follow away with her icy eyes
thou blue is her wisdom of heart
warm is within that part
jin the little one that play
waiting for her too best friends to save
has she lay caged liking a hummingbird day
and ishmael the beast who prey
has learn that things dont go his way
so he knows the pain it graze
to be trap by an old lover trade
seko here
hears what she has to say
ill rescues those who need me
and give to those who cry for my care
cries within there torn heart
from disappear
i wont be afriad because i have those who stay
and thou i parted from my love i know that we will rejoin
once again, but will i take upon that offer
when time say i grew from my lost
yukina will be the queen to her king
jin will feel the freedom reign
Ishmael will love and not play
Isaac will reach his one he seeks
and we all see to that day
that dreams are alive
and will always play


don't ask what this poem about...its just my little day dream i have sometimes :)

The big blow pt.2

well it still hurt but am fighting the pain. I try to hide anything that reminds me of him so it wont break me down. He sent me a text message on having a good day but i kinda doubt that. Am trying to fight the depression so i don't let it get to me to much. sometimes i think that my problems would still have affected us still if our relationship develop more anyway. I don't regret being with him the 1 year and 2 months i think there were the best thing my life ever offer. So now i have more time on my hands and i guess am single. I don't plan to date because i dont want to get attach or anything. One of my old best friends got worry about me he felt bad to what happen so it was hard to reassure him that i was ok. I remember when he told me yesterday that am free but i was confuse because i dont feel free and i know i wasn't being held against my will? maybe thats how he felt to let go the chain of love/responsibility that's held him down this long? am not sorry for thinking he needs to find some one who's in his boundaries. I still thank god i met him but i guess god has bigger plans for me. Am sure when he moves that all weight has been lifted and he no longer worries for my welfare. I just hope i can do the same. Am not crying as much because i know i can over come it. But i can still feel the stings of my words when i told him" I want that( he'd said he come back for me after college" but i dont want you to come back to the same problems( i doubt i can overcome that) and so... i want you to continue with a successful future so when you come back don't come back 4 me( am going to be that wieght u had be4)" as heart felt it was i know that deep down am contradicting myself greater. I know i can never user the words i love you and luv like i did with him. But who knows what happen i only look at the present so wish me luck and that i get back my beautiful green spirits.

Green me!!!( it means give me strength of the power in life) words are wisdom as knowledge is the fact.

P.s. Thank you isaac for everything i never doubted you or us.

so um,,,,,well last night we broke up. this time its better because i was ready for the blow...i'll write later i got church.

Sigh... I knew it was coming to me

hey guys its me again i suck on post everyday so I'll do my best to keep up. Its quite hard to tell something publicly and easier to keep it to your self. Well today I've been in a lot of deep thought and gain more problems. I've been sick for two weeks straight so i think i have the flu. so let me start with my troubles, first am still having trouble of leaving my mom because i want to continue to support and care for her no matter how bad my health is which i guess i bad for me to do. next my old friend who's dating her boyfriend who was a friend of my call me up a few times to let me know that am a threat to her relationship and if was my fault our friendship never fully heal. now Mind i say i have long over this problem and i felt that the way she said in the past of how i acted towards her was very incorrect and so i will continue to justify that.

.....On another note my relationship with my boyfriend is near peak and may go to the fall soon. I've begun to realize more about my self and him. I came too see that my hope full future will never be seek. I also learned that now am actually going through that phase where the female in a relationship believe that this guy is the one or what she been looking for. But i know to clearly that this may not be fully possible unless the male is fully and happily committed. we began to realize maybe were not compatible with each other and that we both have are own goals in a relationship. His are to develop and stabilize a relationship till all bridges are broken and that there's control and no knowledge untouched. As for me mines is to maintain a settle relationship and that it remains till a full marriage. I only seek for something once and stay with it i most have a emotional bridge and connect along with assurance and protection involve. It may sound a little to much in the male department or over bearing but its really not because all you have to do is be your self and supportive of my feelings which is the simplest thing I've ever ask and wanted in my life. Because if you don't want to hold my hand when trouble is there then don't bother being the one to watch me rise and fall. I've lately felt a drifting phase with him that i know will come in all relationship and including my past times. Thought i am frighten for the worst i have retain back to my old shell for when the blow come and then I'll tape over any vulnerable spots of the shell. I now believe one my worst fear that we both(he) can no longer hold the end of the rope and then am stricken with what I've dealt with for many years alone and i try my hardest to climb my problems......Maybe that's why i can't leave my mom because i know that in all my problems and feeling alone i can go back to her with out a emotional push. That if anything happens and am alone that i know i have someone i can take care of and support and that she needs me despite the emotional abuse. That maybe my biggest problem that i can't let go of her because i know that when i do let go of her and whoever am with (dating) and ends it I'll fall in to that pit of .........???? space?destruction?shame?rejection?pain?disappear?fear?anger?stress/ depression?loneliness?...no i think the word to describe is lost because then i wont know what to do with myself ; that i can't defend for my self or no one because who there that needs me? and how can i support and care for them. I feel like I've taken a role of a mother who lost her child. And when ever i see a child even if it doesn't belong to me i want to take care of it but when someone does that to me then i want to take the role of a child. Equivalent exchange... i want to need someone as i always been needed. But i guess its difficult to put in to terms of a relationship. Maybe i feel my boyfriend is the father figure i lost years ago and he's became this ideal person i long for , but i never given thought to what was his. Recently he's parted with his mother figure but could that have brought a change and perspective of his heart. That power and emotions must be tame along with partners. That a change in to greatness will bring about that fast stairs to a happy life and better future? Maybe that what he seek a women of his level that can keep up to his pace and help him organize his future so they maybe better off in the later future. I know that i can not be that woman because i lag, I fall behind in a race when i start in the front...I hold on to m weakness for comfort. I wonder if he realize that he slowly pushing me away or that when all gaurds are down its not the same person? or maybe that spark....... O.o i think i written to much. Here's me over thinking again let me just shut up.

Green me

Old letter . same pain

I wrote this two days ago but i wasn't sure if i should post this ( there's a lot stuff i wasn't sure to post).... well what ever here it goes..... p.s. i can't say all of it is true just particle

Dear Mother,

Thank you for being mother I never wanted. And i enjoyed the blames you put on me each and every way. I have so much respect for you that you gave me lovely nicknames and its called ungrateful and disrespectful child. I cant say how much i love they way you yell at me, it feels like your giving me full attention and never listening to me gave me the chance of a full though about life and my self. I can never replace those beautiful past memories when i was young, how you punish me to shut up and mistakes I've done. am also greatful for the depression youve given me at home to add spice for my life. and i love how neglect my embrace and prevent me from getting a job so i can owe you more when you buy me stuff so i may feel guilty that you spent money on me since father whos not here couldnt. And i just wanted to say thank you mom for creating a bitch of an daughter who love to shed tears. Because with out you i wouldn't survive.
Fucking Green Me.

Compell with force

My heart been feeling full and yet tremble with the burst of emotions. Its like a pie graph: am 100% me but 45% is love, 5% worry, 20% happy ,15%sad and 5% confuse on how i should feel. I get so confuse with my heart that i tend to go blind with what pull me the most. I can state something unless its a battle between wits and emotions( because am emotional) this side i lean more to. I can feel people emotions and judge on my actions for them but i wonder can i do the same for my self when it comes my turn.

On another note my boyfriend will be going away next year and i feel at complete lost on how i should feel or act. Am i suppose to feel sad and grieve of is missing encounter, that i should go and try to stop him, or maybe am so be the proud of heart that he following something that can help him in life , that can make me happy to see him follow his dream and show a secure future maybe for the both of us?, or am i suppose to be the angry one that he taken a opportunity of his life to do more then i cant go and have that power to be forward in life with out holding back sounds to me like jealousy i guess, or am i suppose to be this lost little girl that remain strong no matter what the circumstance maybe but if i hope and wait and finish with my deeds that he would notice and come back to me? (insert laughter) am such a wreck .. am so good at putting on masks and different faces that i forgotten my true image my true thought to how i feel. i can no longer express my beautiful poems like of my adolescent years in growth or communicate my energy to something that is useful to my work. all am fully capable of doing is standing in front a door and think of consequences while showing that am ready but am really not.

Lately I've been praying to a confuse heart of mine and i still wonder the existence of god.(when i get upset i think oppositely) I believe in him because of my childhood teaching but yet i feel a slight content that will i stay strong. i know religion is such a strong topic and i have respect for all race and there religious rule but i can't help feel that how religion is not all that different but by the bridges we created. Also it reminds me of politics a subject of which i enjoy and can fully engage but little understand. Its amazing to see that something you know little of can be captivating to a mind that dislike laws or rules in which your being govern by a higher power that we given.

And another thing i would like to add is can i be the one to break out a cage i put my self in. I mean people would say yes but then cant tell you how and when you know how why is it so hard to follow with the key. I mean i know what to do and i know what the cage is made of so why do i still remain in it, why is it that i don't take the open door. In all my life i struggle with this problem and yet never address it. sometimes i wonder is that like in my relationship i feel in love with him but i also feel compell that nothing more will be given so i dont do anymore then am suppose to.