Another Update

Hey everyone its me again....and i would like to update everyone on my life starting with

1.this is my last month at KRA and my graduation and both examination. good news I'll be working at kings county with a oral surgeon yay me bad new...i don't feel ready for my exam and lack of information.

2.next on my list i had a very sad day last week when i had to go to a funeral of a beloved family friend who was like a dear uncle to me Eric .V cumberbatch sadly had to go at the age of 32 he will always be remember. I remember when i went to his funeral i cried from beginning when i saw his peaceful expression to the end when i got to say my proper good bye.

3. Am having both friend and other relationship issues as i found out two of my close friends are dating and as much as i want to respect that it has taken me back i guess. Now am being invasive and being the only friend who is single as my other best friend has a boyfriend and spent all her time with him and school.

4.had to awkward moments when my ex wrote to me on facebook ... thats about it

5.I've decide to take up running for i could get rid of my stress, of course i find running hard but may if i keep doing it it will get better for me. no one say you start easy then go hard.

6.I've join this awesome Facebook called http://www.facebook.com/groups/167356353318572/ AMBWU (Asian Men Black Women United) its both a love and friendship gathering page i've met some pretty cool and hilarious people.

7. I've been having money difficulties since i have no job and its hard with my mom cause she feel am not doing anything so we do get in to some arguments. Her birthday is next week and she wants gifts and to help her with the bills. If only she knew how are am trying.

8. on my anime buzz am currently watching Tiger & bunny which i so love , Beelzebub and Stein gates. I finish watching kiss x sis ,Mahou Shoujo Modoka Magica and show that i haven't catch up is Sekion no qwaswer , Blade anime , X-men anime and etc if i forgot.

Well thats all folk Keeping it green 100%

I Can't...

Tell me why i shouldn't do anything stupid?

I feel like i've drop to that low point again. Tell me why i shouldn't do something that means losing everything. When it hurt so much you really don't care for anything or how it would affect others. As selfish as it may sound i want to be put out of my misery. I lost another friend, I've fail my probation period in college which means i flunk out of college, I live with a mom who loves to control me, and only hope is to gain every cent out of me until am no longer useful. I am questionable whether to trust someone i like and my job training is going under budget cuts which means including my pay. I am constantly stress and my hair fall out everyday. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to get out.

I want to leave my home but i have no money and am scared knowing what may happen. I really don't know what my support is anymore.Am not in control of my house and may never will be. There just going to be that someone or that something that just manage to bring me down to hell. They say a Pisces will do anything to escape reality and am in between am just don't want to wait to leave reality. I can't say that i love to live i really don't but i try and try everyday to have some faith or some hope that i can move on and take charge but...Slowly am losing faith...Slowly am doubting hope and Slowly i find more reason why i be better...Off.

Just give me a few stupid reason why i shouldn't be a [An hero] who's weak minded and can't even stand on her two feet.

Straight Line Stitch - "Conversion" OFFICIAL VIDEO

Something new to me

Am that Pisces with a heart of gold
A punk-rocker with a metal Fist
A crazy chick with a silly Twist
Am that bond you can not break
The laughter you can not shake
Am the innocents of a Lamb
to a Roar tigress with fangs


-Hey guys this is a snippet of what i have for my new profile from joining Ap( Afropunk.com) i feel at home there.

I'll update you on my next post on life. Ciao

What you are to me

Some poem that came to mind one day :)

someone: hmmm...what's the 1st thing that come to your mind when u think about me?

Me: hmmm .....teddy bear

Someone:...explain ?

Me: well i love to hold you and grope you,
i love having a conservation with you
i can talk all i want to you and you'll never object me,
you always lend a ear and make me feel safe
showing you'll always be near when i need you
i can tell you anything and laugh when you say silly things
you never change your personality
You never change your style
You can make my sad day better with just a laugh
When you stare at me i feel special
just being with you i forget where and when and who and how and why
And when am away am missing you
and at night i can cuddle with you
you fight with my cat and she's afraid of you
i can never feel rejected by you
and show you understand what more can i see then my teddy bear

V-i-o-l-a-t-e-d

Tonight i feel disgusted, uncomfortable and ashame. I had just walk halfway with my new friend jenny. I said my goodbyes and left towards my home. I stop by my favorite gym to say my hi's and small chit chat with my favorite clients and trainer. Seeing that the time was 9:45 i decided it was time for me to head home quickly before my mother called. As i cross the street to ready to pass the restaurant on the corner a familiar face that i tried to aviod appear since it was for him to close the shop. I had a gut feeling that i should just keep on going and my mind screaming ignore him. But i didn't listen. He called me before closing down the last grate and stop me from my final destination. Being a kind person i told him hello and am in a hurry to get home. knowingly that he's p resistant he keep pushing say its urgent we talk and it wouldn't take no time. I reminded him my mom await my arrival home , he said quickly come in the shop, i ask him why we can't talk out side? rushing me he said just get in, i can't leave the store this way. ......so i was in (thinking regrettably) . So he confronts me saying how he knew me for years since i move in and had always like me and wanted me to give it up to him. But i told him am not interested and am celibate trying to get him to give up. Each and every time i see him i always ignore his advances and denied him when i could. He not the type to take no for an answer. He was upset with my answer but went back to his true agenda. He told me to go in to the restroom and i refuse, he said just get in there shoving me in there. i was scared and it was late.My friend jenny called my cell and i knew it was her trying to tell me she made it home safely (to which i should of been home by then) Quickly i told him it was my mother calling me and i needed to speak to her. He said don't answer the phone and that this would be quick and i can go join her.


Quickly he try to lift up my shirt and refusing i tried to pull it down. Getting a little frustrated he started to use his strength and at the same time he ask me why i hide my body and that am very f**kable. Then while he took my breast in his mouth he tried to open up my pants and i trying to push him away and keep my pants up. I told him repeatedly no, i don't want to do this and my mom is going to look for me. He kept ignoring me and try to force his hand inside and forcibly tried to put his fingers in, it was painful and i quickly move my body from him. Took out his hand and quickly tried to close up my pants but he wasn't giving up easily he try to kiss (slobber) on my neck behind me and i try to angle my head where wouldn't be space for him to be on my neck and then he tried biting on my ear that it hurt and i flinch but he took it as the wrong body language and thought i enjoyed it. Then he place his hands around my neck under my chin controlling my head. I told him no again and still ignoring my request. He said Don't you like it aggressive , i know this feel good so stop trying to fight it. I reply no and struggle to get out his grasp. And yelled No and he lift my chin up with his choke hold ( it was on my neck but he did not squeeze).He tried to kiss me and i tried to keep my mouth close as he try to force his tongue or lick anywhere he could on my face.

Then he tried again to pull down my pants and he had his already out. i repeated no and tried to push him away from me. He said let me put it in side, i told him i wasn't on no birth control and never been tested.He ask if i had any condom and to give it to him i replied no then forcibly he try to bend me over the toilet and say let me put it in your ass and i said no kicking him back and quickly pulled up my pants and said i need to go home and i want to go home. Frustrated that he couldn't get what he wanted he started to stimulate him self and told me to get on my knees, i refuse again . He said just touch it and rub and i refuse again. He tried pulling on my hand to grasp his private area, I was easily disgusted and wanted to pull my hand away. He then tried to reach for my head and said suck it , am not telling you what you want to do , am telling you to do it. I was scared and backed away from him and pull back my hand. ...Then there was some banging noise in the shop out side the restroom. I told him someone was here and to let me go , Trying to ignore the sound he said no one is here. But the noise was constant since the whole time before it was empty and silent. As he went out to investigate the sound, I quickly left after him and out the restaurant and walked fast home. Behind me he yelled call him and stop ignoring him.

Just as I reached my door, my mother called my cell and yelling what was taking so long and take out the garbage and put away the food and quickly hung up the phone. I was scared to tell her what happen I wanted to but she wouldn't understand and her action to take scared me what will she do. ( knowing her she probably confront the man and threat him then call authority). Soon as I reach in the house , my phone rang, I wasn't in the mood to talk with anyone. Again my phone rang and I remember earlier i had a miss call from jenny, unsure of the number i answered thinking it was her. It was him ....Sherwon. He asked why I treated him that way and he always like me and why i didn't want to give it up to him. I told him no I didn't want any of that and am not interested and I don't want to talk to him. He replied he'll give me time to when i wanted to give it up to him and stop treating him like a stranger. I hung up and quickly place his number on straight to voice-mail and hope never to speak to him.

Then I felt sick, felt uncomfortable, disgusted and shocked from what happen. I felt dirty , from everywhere he touched and the pain from when he try to placed his fingers in. I quickly took off my clothes and went to the shower. Having the water on its hottest I wanted to burn off everywhere he touched. I got in the hot shower and then my mom stop by in the bathroom to use it and she said surprised i was taking a shower tonite and not my usual morning shower. She said i guess you want to go to school early and went back to bed. I didn't say a word or think about anything. I submerge my self in hot water. I felt i wasn't clean enough and got a hard scrub and scrub my skin everywhere and as hard as i could. It burned with the hot water but I didn't care. I just wanted to wash away his existence. And I brush my teeth( i don't brush my teeth before bed) cause i remember when he try to kiss me , Brushing hard for 30 mins and made one of my gums bleed from the hard brush pressure.

I wanted to make sure there was any evidence of him on me.It was such a disgusting and disturbing feeling. When I got out the shower my skin was red from scrubbing hard and that pain still remain down there. Quickly I got dressed and set up my bed on the couch, I wanted to sleep off everything that happen so I took a 3mg Melatonin to help me sleep because i knew i wouldn't be able to sleep. Then i sat in my bed wrote on my facebook i felt uncomfortable and disgusted just to get the words out of my head and went to my blog site to type this up cause this was the only way for me to ever get out what happen. I know i wouldn't say anything to anybody in person about it anytime soon because am scared of them going to ridicule me for not taking action and causing dramatic events. While writing i got drowsy and the next day (today 3-25-11) I finished writing this.

If any female reading this , If something like this happens to you don't do what i do, just take action. I just need to build up enough courage to do so.

I should be Homeless but am still here

so two problems occurred that happen in two weeks which gave me enough momentum to runaway from home. I really was ready but my plan was cut short by a early return of my mom and 3 influential male friends who manage to talk me out of it. I go on a list but today was just unprepared and a short comming so right now i plan the next move. I'll explain later.

The Creep (feat. Nicki Minaj)

Now Playing - Grooveshark

Now Playing - Grooveshark Love this :3

Hit the Road Jack, Don't cha Come back no More No more

https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=d2c2c535e8&view=pt&q=whore&qs=true&search=query&th=12c5f0c5bbd6b36f (copy & paste)


(this Link contains my Texts saved to my email automatically, meaning it can not be alter or re-written)<--- As promise from my previous post i was would go deeper on about my little squabble with an ex-friend of mine. Even though there were more, that part been put to rest. But before i go in , i need to remind you, as i stated in my previous posted that i sent out a Mass text message chain to my friends. The mass Text was originally sent to me from My friend Ish who dare me to ask all my male friends " what any question they would like to ask me no matter how dirty, private or sexy or crazy it may be?"( Oh As to why you couldn't see that text in the link was it was Mass text so it was to more then one person making it in its separate message inbox) and me ...being curious i guess ask alot of my male friends of course many replies were ask to "go out with them or if am still single" for many and other were just simple questions. But the Two Replies that didnt sit well with me was My-Ex Friend and Ex boyfriend (His Reply was if i still have feelings for him? Of Course i was quick to say no but i panicked and took a little longer and Wrote i dont love him but i miss hanging out with him ...YES I AM A IDIOT!!!)of course my text didn't end well.

But getting back to the main topic the reply from my Ex-friend was "Why are you a dumb abusive attention needing whore?" From that i was hurt but thought it was a sarcastic joke like he usually make. And Well I reply back "I learned from the best" ( meaning i was yes joking about my mom) but his next reply really gotten me upset. I didn't know how to respond to it i was so shocked and hurt and the same time i was texting my ex boyfriend and he was announcing how he need to make sure i had no feelings for him since he dating and it would be awkward when am around them to which i wasn't planning on meeting him on his return to newyork.

I was Crying and Furious from the texts but more with Andrez messages. all i can think was maybe he's going through something so let him off some steam but i was wrong he was just throwing low blows like my mom. I was Pissed , how could he do such a thing. I threw out the idea of ever trying to work it out or talk it out with him after that. From the text i felt violated and all i could think of how wrong and false he was and i have no friends to trust!. Immediately i question the three most close friends i had who knew more about me then him. To all which reply No, and had no discussion about me with him.
I used my better judgment and believe but inside i couldn't trust anyone. I went in to paranoia and Avoided Communicating with my friends, i Even cut off a good friend who was mutual with my ex because i felt he could turn on me any moment since am so vulnerable. I had no body i could lend a ear so i got physically sick and lock my self in my room 24/7. Of course my mom didn't care it not like its affecting her so why should she care.

Then one day my friend jin and Erica came by they were worried and had plan to go to the gym by my house. i couldn't show them that i was avoiding them or i was feeling weak. I put on a face and said ill get out the house and go to the gym with them. I thought maybe i could get some fresh air after surrounding my self with sickness and depressing thoughts. I don't know how but when i got to the gym my Trainer got concern with me and wanted to train me in private. I saw that he was trying to get me to talk and honestly i didn't care what i say since i kept it in and its not like he knew who my friends are by name. i felt a little better i guess and then he had me do kick boxing to let my aggression out through my body and not words. During the moments of hitting the pads i felt both physically and emotionally better. It was a Big release for me. After the training my trainer gave me his ear if i ever need it and advise me on some remedies to feel better.But when i got home i felt sick again, but just physically. I got better in 2 weeks though i struggle catching up with my classes. So that all i let out for now.

I am still struggle trusting my friends but i hope to overcome and pick better friends. Since then I never Talked to him nor will i ever plan to, after all the years since we been friends i never thought he could do that. I guess a person can hold on a mask and remove it when they feel your no longer use to them.

well my Fellow readers am Done with this story and moving on to the next later. Love ya and Green

Happy New Year and Update!

soooo...! its a new year , So happy New year to my Invisible readers and hoping you guys make some great changes this year and i have new experiences to share. For one Currently am having a non-official relationship with someone. I don't know what it is about this guy but he's definitely different. I feel un-attach while getting what i want. For people they would call it friends with benefit but i don't see it to be that or in that category since a lot more is involve. He's magically made me forget all stress and problem in my life and i don't understand it. Am so happy and can deal with anything and not feel the repercussion from it. Its bothers me how i end up in it since i kept advocating Being Single and celibacy no matter how miserable and slightly alone i felt.

I can keep going on about this great mystery but i have other updates to put out. Anyway, i past my math finally but sadly fail my FS class ( i guess i put all my effort and focus on the math that i didn't try my best in this class) Since ive taken this fall semester off i plan to change my grade to make it look...pretty... i guess. And while i wont be attending my college i despise and has ruin my life i will be trying to get in to a dental assistance profession program so i may earn and save and have an paid internship to help smooth out the bumps in my life. On another note My relationship with my mom is still on the same level, arguments and fights then moving on. The same cycle that never ends between me and her but i could care less because am goal forward this year and my main objective is moving out? and starting over?.

Other then that i could do better....and speaking of college ruining life, i found out the balance in loans i owe is 30000 :/ sounds painful when you know your going to be paying for the rest of your life. Changing topics for Christmas i got a bayonetta game from Camille ( i got her lords and Taylor Pjs day after), best gift ever! i've played that game so much i still manage to suck be good even though i've beaten it 5 times lol you would think after the 5th time the game would become easier for you. Oh yeah on a sad note am no-longer best friends with my Ex-buddy Andrez apparently on a past and unresolved issue he felt doing low blows like my mom would be what i deserve for being his friend. On another post ill post up the text convo that lead to a bitter ending. Despite my new hate for him i still love his daughter and can only wish the best for his family. To add salt to the wound the same day i was texting him i was also texting my Awkward Ex ( Who i finally gotten over but still make me feel like shit but not knowing it)While in a furious text battle with my Ex-Best friend ; My Ex-Boy friend was announcing his his vacation-Return to new york to which i sent out a chain text to all my male Friends in my phonebook and to his replies( there was more) it only to left me feeling aggravated and pissed. <----oh and that along with being sick push me in to the arms of someone new in the time when i was cutting everyone off but that another post to go on about.

How is life now? its not at its best but it is enjoyable now. Only walls are male friends who want to leave the friend zone and get with me and being un-employed.



Lets see what else...school-check, Love? interest-Check, Friends- Semi-Check,Mother Daughter relationship - Ehh and Stress- No complaints life -Contented Technology- Well i could use a new laptop and more xbox360 games and probably a portable Drive that's like 4gigs of space. Anime- its slowly getting better, Comic - less devotion and God- I just keep on praying...... Oh How could i forget the most important thing ..... Guess what....I have Two beautiful 3 Month old Niece and nephew who can put a small on anyone's face and i go to the gym like everyday and do kick boxing so Yay for me but i noticed since i went to the gym i've been gaining weight and eating more then usual don"t know if its the training or the winter( yea probably this) but i need to step up now. ok So am outta Here! ....Oh yea yes my cat is still alive and spazzing.

Green Me and Skeet lol