Thanksgiving and Been thinking

Well yesterday was slaughter turkey day and i wish those who call and texts, thank you. Yesterday i went up to new jersey to see my siblings and spend my first thanksgiving with them along with my brother first with his new wife. I enjoy every moment from it. From the cat(Antoinette) waking me up at 4am of here presence, then the busy cleaning( i help clean the front yard and back enjoying the labor) to the huge meal with my family and their friends. But even though i was so happy to be full and celebrating three birthdays that day of course the moment had to be crush when it was time to go home and my mom sending me a text saying it will be my final stay there. But even with my brothers and sisters encourage words that this wont be the end. I can't help but think of my grudging mother pulling me back again.

Today a friend made a joke and said what do you want for Christmas... other then a single bedroom apartment and a job?. In all i laughed and in my mind wish for the same. which brought me on a another convo when someone gave me the advice to act then think on my plans. I realize what stop me from living or doing as i please is my thinking and cautioness that bothers me. I always think of head, and think what to do but never really done it. In high school for the last 2 years of my high school life i was told to enter a teen shelter and go in to counseling. But i could never do it as much as i wanted to, i fear of the many things that would happen once I've gone with it. All it did was remind me of my foster care years and i couldn't live with my self being apart from family and friends. But then i had a huge question from my self; Why am i still living with my mom and stressing out? When i think about am more worry about the condition i'll leave my mom in, then how am living now. I constantly bring my self down with worries and fears that i haven't been giving the positive side a chance. Its like walking the bridge of fate, instead of picturing how i can reach the other end, All i see is me falling or tripping.

My big issue now is how can i see past the negative and look for the positive? What can i do to make my dream a reality with out a nightmare? Am trap in my own cage and am holding the key so what the hell am i waiting for?Whats stopping me from pulling the trigger?

It looks like there's more i need to do, to answer these questions and more to see!

Green Me Blue