back in the line- my dating confes

well am going back to that no dating/ affection promise i made to myself. i just need keep my head in the books again and push to mature my self when am ready for anything. am so young and i can't fall in love cause i know ill be that blind girl who gets hurt in the end even if she the one who cause it.

blackstarkad am not emo just need to slow down be for i i end up in a car crash lol.

next stop on my road college and a job.

Dating confessions - what i can relate

Note: these aren't mines this is from.the nerve.com/dating confession.com these are some I found that caught my interset

1."I don't understand why one minute i feel so insecure about our relationship that I want to break up with you just for the sake of self preservation and the next I feel so confident about our relationship that I may actually tell someone I have a boyfriend, why is that???"

2."My best friend and i are 2 very pathetic, smart, independent, funny women."

3.It's never easy to end a relationship period, whether you've been together 5 months or 5 years. There will inevitably be anger, sadness and regret, probably on both sides. But as long as you're respectful, honest and don't prolong the doing, you shouldn't feel like a bad person. It's better to disengage and move past than to hang onto someone you don't want. It isn't fair to you or them."

4."How can you make me so happy one moment and so sad the next?"

5."You ended our relationship a month ago, after nearly 2 years together. I guess I wasn't quite the fantasy girlfriend you thought I was. Not that different to your poor ex-wife, what with me being human and all. Anyhow. I have felt like shit for a month. You email me today and amongst other banal cliches you say 'I saw your dating profile on msf. Good luck with that. I hope you meet someone nice. I'm sure you'll be fighting them off.' Patronising, crass fucking bastard. Why don't you stick the knife in a bit more, finish me right off. Like I am not in enough pain already."

5. "I'm going to miss you. Like a knife to the heart every day. I can't stop crying. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I don't think you realize how much I do love you. But, I can't keep watching this from the sidelines, not being able to at least register a blip on your radar. You'll never let her go. You'll never let me in. I didn't want to let you go...God I don't know if I'll survive it, actually...but, I had to. You never have fought for me, I've always fought for you. I can't fight anymore. Not when I finally realize that you'll never love me. I love you though, baby. Always."

6."I regret that I will never know how things could have turned out with you."

7."Did I really mean so little to you? You had me fooled, and good."

8."why do you get in touch with me just to say you'll tell me all about it soon? you'll explain it all soon? Then you wait another week and say the same thing? Are you trying really hard to hurt me? You don't have to try so hard. You have so much of my heart, it doesn't take much to hurt me. i'm so easily crushed. And because i am stupid or can't help it,or both, i keep asking for me, from you.

9."You told me you don't know what you want. Well, I think this latest decision of yours shows me that whatever you want is never going to be me. I hope she makes you happy."

10."I guess you figured I'd never see your ex's profile. Is that why you embellished details about her one night? When you were wincing from a lack of my affections, trying to get back at me with your passive-aggressive aggrandizement of her? How outstandingly beautiful, how this, how that? It was an uncouth conversation, your intent to try and make me as insecure as you felt. And it was one of the (many) reasons I decided to leave you. Well. A friend showed me the profile of a woman who hounded him for a date. Guess who it was? Your ex. She's so astonishingly banal in every way, I was shocked. My friend, having been on a date with her, said her banality is even more emphatic in person. Delusional and a liar, you."

11."How common is this situation? You meet a guy. He seems to like you. You like him. You get to know him a little bit, then you sleep with him. He doesn't seem to be able to have an erection. This happens a number of times. He pretends it is not happening. You do everything you can to help...be kind and understanding etc. He then dumps you coldly with a nice little comment to hurt your feelings. This has happened to me twice! I think you should get at least some kindness and sweetness from him for putting up with his problem shouldn't you?"

12."It has been a year since I last saw you. You used to be someone who held such power; I would have jumped at the chance to get back together with you. Now I just think you're pathetic."

13."I wonder if I'll ever give myself permission to be happy."

14."I want nothing more than to get over you."

15."This might be a little dramatic, but i haven't known you that long and i think i love you. am i going insane?"

16."If you wanted to hurt me, you picked the very best, most efficient way. You knew I wanted you here. This was the week you were supposed to be here, but you turned it down, using all sorts of excuses. Instead, you're spending this week with her? What happened to those excuses? They don't count with her? I'm tired. I loved you. Body and soul forever kind of love. I always will, but I can't be your joke anymore. I hope you get the life you always wanted, I really do. But, I can't be in it anymore. I tried, but I'm sorry. I'm not that strong. Not when I love you so much. You destroy me, and think nothing of it. You always want me to stick up for myself and fight? Well, baby, I am. Goodbye."

17."You're right. I am beautiful, and I am lovely. You, on the other hand, are not. You are a terrible person and you'll get what's coming to you one day."

18.Bloody hell, it's as though I wrote that post myself. I feel a sense of humiliation for still missing someone who ultimately deserted me at precisely the time I needed to be loved more, not less. It totally and utterly sucks. I've just dipped in to the dating sites and instead of being excited about the possibility of meeting someone new, I just feel an aching sense of loss. I hope to God it goes away because I can't live with it much longer."

19."Yes you weren't very nice to me towards the end, but we had so much fun, so much closeness for 18 months. We kissed all the time. I knew I loved you after our third date, you said you'd fallen for me before then. What did I do to make you slowly change your mind about me? What do I need to change about myself to make you come back to me? This is hell. When will it stop being hell?"

20."Im genuine, I really am. Sorry you are full of BULLSHIT!"

so many thoughts so many words

where do i begin... sigh... am sorry mylez.

A Clever Letter from a friend

Where is your blog?
Lost in a fog?
Across a cold bog?
With a ferocious guard dog?
And a big bull frog?
That sits on a log?
Drinking his nog?
While I sit here in this dark corner contemplating my toes and hoping one day to find that life is more than a string of random messages from obscure people with deep complexes and rare skin diseases but is rather something like that single moment before dawn when the sun's first beams just lightly touch the brightening sky with colors that warm the soul and lift the spirit. Much like you.

I await your missive.

Rich H

Deep Thinking on the 2 Train...

Life is not what it seems, when you make believe.
When you think you see the future, its just a dream
You can make it happen but most times you can't
Just reaching for that invisible ladder
To be free is just a great responesibity, to live in a cage has none
What do I look for, why can't it happen, I want what I want, but I can't have it
Words are just tall tales some with a road others with a step
I notice in my self that my emotions break me but I guess its there to make my shell harder or scar me about life
What am I doing to be happy?, it feels like am following orders and hurting myself along the way.
What do I thrive for, so undeceives and lost.
I always knew it can hurt to get up, and cry when your not close.
I know I wreck my self but I didn't know I can pick up
Amazingly I have cut off my love support to survive and not living off for a while
I don't think am ready, my mind still the same, am thinking back again
Well am losing my mind this time, this time am losing my mind
Then I won't hold back when am ready,
Its amazing to see am still in the same spot, unchanged, unloved, unfeel, unseal, unkeep, not real.

It will happen soon, I can tell, when life is alter and am out of the shell, I won't be the same, I won't hold your hand, ill be the anti, out spoken and raw, my smiles will be the same force and un-true, my memories will erase to make a new,
Who will I be?, what will I do? Who will be he the one I choose? How can I see? This is just a dream?
Question left to be un answer or aren't true.

Will I think the anew, and sleep like I always do?
My worries comes true and my dreams died in my memories, am haunted by the truth why can't they see that.
Am a danger to my self, am a danger to my friends and when it come to love am a danger to the end
I no longer see my faults just those who will see its there fault.
Amazing how my heart beating again only to show its false hope and wanting to freeze again. I guess am not ready for love if am losing care. Maybe I should be asexual, no contact, not touch, loving or kisses, just no other but my self and my thoughts to be with.
I will do the unthinkable the bold and beautiful, I will share my self to no individual, to care, to hold, to caress or told, to work and to teach, and give them a speech, to protect and heal as I serve to be, you may not understand this but I belong to noone. I just like being hold, if I fall today, ill push the hand away, to be alone feels good even if it hurts sometimes,
What is this calling?, its negative or positive I know it really me.

boy do i have a trip to tell you O.o

yes i know this blog was to be deleted and i was close to doing it but people such as chyrstal, camille, andrez and jimbreel threaten me so i decide to keep it but i wont go back on posts. now i cant wait to tell you about my trip to my brother house and working at prospect park. laters