Anyday now

I learn something these last few days and its that you can't trust anyone cause once you open your self and they feel you cross them they won't a second go by to cut you. I can never see my self getting close to anyone cause am just gonna end up hurt anyway. I have my mom dropping low blows when ever she gets mad, I had my "ex" bestfriend try to use twisted up past on me and I even intrusted help just to find out the end result is the same and had a small talk with my ex that left a burn. Everyday I think so my self that with just a little more push I want to kill myself or someone who's hurt me. I can't deal with all these bullshit. I know now that very little people had my back or even respected me. I can I see my self with anyone if am so scared to trust them and just waiting until they use it against me. Yestertday I so badly wanted to check my self in a suicidal ward because so much drama happen this week. Just day after it got shitter and I end up setting my self up for the worst. I don't feel close to anyone not even my family. I can't keep holding on to people words as if its factual. All I can do now is pray to god to help me. I run from the very same things that will push me over the edge. To think I would feel happy if I had cancer or got hit by a car. To become a "an hero" because my week has been nothing but shit and am going to bed and waking up crying. I won't open up to my self to anyone. Having friends, family and a relationship just gonna break you anyday. Well that's all am getting off my chest with F#$%k anyone who enjoys abusing the shit out of my trust and emotions. Let there be a day where I dig up my own grave.

My story

Words Can not complete how i feel the emotions and thoughts conjured together. Internally i feels like my days are number and Externally am pushing my self to a limit. Right now am full with anger, hatred, sadness and defeated. I want to coil in to a ball and sit in a corner and just thinking how long can I last. Have you ever felt the pain and augish to know that your useless and have your mother say she has no faith in you and your a failure to her eyes. Would you believe how i can't hate a person but fill with rage still not to hope wrongful of them. I put my self out there and now i coward in to a room. To have your troubles and emotions tested and denied by someone can drain you and make you feel low. I feel so desperate to get out but i keep choosing to stay in. Just like a couple in a domestic abuse. You love that person so much, that you'll do anything for them even if they took your last breath. The person that you love so much feeling like there the only one carrying weight on there shoulders, blaming you for everything and then attack you with your defaults and failures. Crushing you with there words. They might not physically hurt you anymore but they learn to use there words to cut you. Each argument you defend your self but in the end they will keep cutting you until your striped of your pride and worth. Your body and soul aches for sympathy but nothing is shown. You cry and internally bleed out what left you have. And you can't call on no one because they can't understand, There not in your shoes, They were not there , they have not seen or even hear. How is it am still here the girl in despair. And then when everything blows over , nothing has happen life becomes good but the negative out weights the positive. And the the bomb is ticking for the next explosion. Do you know when your heart has become cold and solid ? Its when you can't trust no one not even your friends or dear. You only feel like you the only person in the world and slowly you disconnect your self from those who are near. It means nothing to you now that they extend a hand towards you. Because that same hand can be full of broken glass just ready to cut you like the one you knew. there's is no buddy or no even your self can be trusted or loved. I remember a friend ask me "what does love mean to you?" and immediately i reply with out a thought or conscious i said " I have no meaning for IT cause I don't trust it" with out think i felt bad cause i tainted something that she was witnessing for her first time. Since then i haven't look back or even thought of it. But now i see why, now i think of why its so hard for me, because my heart is stony. When ever i do my religous practice i got to my bible and read this verse Ezekiel 36 v-26 "A new heart also will i give you, and a new spirit will i put within you, and I i will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and i will give you an heart of flesh". I pray everyday for it hoping to see things differently. But...hoping for so long that something good would come out of this dark world smiling starts to feel like your a blank canvas with no colors and no on will paint you. I can't keep lying to my self I still want to live and convince myself why I should be alive and that this is just a begining. I just can't. Iv'e seen the ugly in everyone despite seeing only postive in them I can't feel but to hold back but lie that they don't scare me and am not bother by there ugly truth. That they are beautiful in my eyes and am completely open my self to them. There is no good that I can cover of the bad. Right now all I can think is the same lie to my self " I need to move out next year and live peacefully and stress free".

Benny Benassi - Spaceship (feat. Kelis, apl.de.ap, & Jean...

Ghostface - Tush ft. Missy Elliott

Missy Elliott - I'm Really Hot [Video]

Toonami Aftermath |

Toonami Aftermath | Woot 24/7 old school anime and shows

Then And now....

So here's a listed of things you missed out since i last posted on here ( mostly events of this month).

1) Recently of this month My nephew Ian Xavier Adams and Zoey Adams was born from My brother and My sister.

2)I got in touch with my yaoi and drawing style to which i had given up a while back.http://www.facebook.com/ShaniquaA.Seko?v=photos#!/photo.php?pid=7309557&id=532133708&ref=fbx_album

3) I took a professional etiquette dinning exercise class.

4) i was hospitalized by my cat from her attacking me when she freaked out.

5) i was sexually harassed by an adult who is close.

6) i've been under alot of stress and have a strain relationship with my mother.

7) i am mortified by sex

8) i bonds with my best friends are seemingly weak lately ( Cam and Jin)

9)Am in a desperate need of a job

10) My other best friends are back and talkign to me Andrez and Chyrstal.

11) Today i was Drop from my college officially

things that may have left out

1) i havent given up on hope

2)i change up my room and my hair grew

3) i watch H.O.T.D and Kuroshitsuji while reading D.W. and Naurto

4) i've been avoiding certain people

5) I testify at my church communion

6) i may have a possible job as a tutor

7) Am planning to visited my brother and my new born baby nephew in October for a day.
8) ive now come back to imvu since i have ignore it for a couple of months

9) am addicted to playing Halo 3 and bayonetta now and found a new interest in first person shooter games

Wicked Awesome the key of awesome mega mix!!!!!!

MAGIC AFRO ALEJANDRO PARODY (LADY GAGA)

Beefs

1. Hip hop is not hate its life. dont stoop low , you must rise if you cant do such a simiple thing then why bring it to the ears of the younger minds. Let your lyrics speak the truth but shed no blood. Let your heart flow out with the changing times. Give female rappers the hope that they can rap against the rope. Starting war is a trend, so many minds are lost, so many thoughts are gone so many people are lost and it shows what we are. If you cant do that then drop the mic, dont mind anothers success just pay attention to your self and give what you held in to topple the riches.

2.Haters will always hate , but it sad to see them wasting time on a beef then there real life. If you like music support and congratulate. if you don't like them then be the bigger person and ignore them. People don't learn shit from the past , you would think that people would learn from the biggie and tupac incident . If you got time to write a hate comment then you don't have time for a job or doing something more productive for your life or community. Its a shame i try to give back to the community with what ever talents i got and the younger generation continues to fall through the cracks. Amma stop wasting my time helping and just watch the falling am done.

Ill edit later to lazy

FRANTIC-TICK-TICK-TICK-ROLL

The Video Game Bosses' Lament

wristcutters: a love story a movie

i recommend this movie

Despondent over his breakup with Desiree, Zia slashes his wrists and goes to an afterlife peopled by suicides, a high-desert landscape dotted by old tires, burned-out cars, and abandoned sofas. He gets a job in a pizza joint. By chance, Zia learns that Desiree offed herself a few months after he did, and she's looking for him. He sets off with Eugene (an electrocuted Russian rocker) to find her, and they pick up a hitchhiker, Mikal, who's looking for the People in Charge, believing she's there by mistake. They're soon at the camp of Kneller, where casual miracles proliferate. They hear rumors of a miraculous king. Can Zia find Desiree? Then what? Where there's death there's hope. Written by

When his girlfriend Desiree breaks up with him, the heartbroken Zia commits suicide cutting his wrists. He awakes in the arid Beyond, a dark place inhabited by suicidal people and worst than the world of the living. He finds a job in the pizzeria Kamikaze, sharing a room with a weird roommate. When Zia meets a former friend, he is informed that Desiree has also committed suicide a couple of months after his death. He befriends the Russian guitarist Eugene, who died electrocuted in a rock concert, and together they decide to seek out Desiree. While driving in a lonely road, they meet the hitchhiker Mikal, who is chasing the People in Charge to clarify that she is not a suicidal, but a victim of OD. In their journey, they befriend Kneller, who owns a camping, and Eugene falls in love for Nanuk. Written by Claudio Carvalho, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

What If...

What If
we were children
all young, and gay, and free?

What If
we were, the mighty wind
That calmed the angry sea?

What If
We were only lily buds
In a pond longing to be?

And What If life has greater meaning
beyond our sparse reality…
And we are simply butterflies...
Encased within a dream?

By  Wayne D Russell

What if this dream is the real reality
to see the colors under our lids
to hear the sounds beyond our reach
What if we are living among the sea
the sea beyond life or the sea of dream. 

What if are slumber is actually our last breath in this life. To wake up in another world and see that were more then just a human entity but a majestic creature of life to prowl the streets out of our human body and roam this land on which we live in.

By shaniqua A.

Jay-Z Run This Town PARODY Kanye Diss ~ Rucka Rucka Ali

amazing troll

!!! Japan FIERCE FASHION Harajuku, Visual Kei, Cosplay !!!

.......hmmmm

My livescribe pen for math homework

this is what you get stayin up till 3 in the morning doing math

Math+Music+cough
brought to you by Livescribe

Update-March

well today was one of my bad days
A. I had a history test that i was unaware of
B. A F*tard that i was paired with for English kept ridiculing me as if he a F*ing know it all and Teachers D*K

but on the other note i got my first and only birthday gift from my mom which was a livescribe pen ( yes a pen) but its not that bad since its worth 200 and has a nifty features.Oh by the way i forgot to mention that my B-day is this Saturday meaning am not doing sh*t but go to church. Lately I've been more behind the scenes. I haven't call or talked to people even though i plan too and the one time i got out to have fun with friends i end up getting punish for w/e. I had some people call me who able to give me some lulz that i hadn't had in a while. Latley i've been on site like encyclopedia dramtica( there humor intrigue me before i would be offend but not i just laugh. Am not part of the http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Shaniqua which made me facepalm and laugh )and hongfire and imvu for a while.

Am living and learn that about it.

my BFBMS (Best friend by my side) Eddie Rath

This song touch me personally not because of the anime but how the artist presents his emotions through it .

Rorschach and Deadpool (Marvel/DC/Buddy Cop Parody)

just wow

: Achievements : Foamy The Squirrel

Motivational Posters : Foamy The Squirrel

the squirrel speaks the truth

Ello - new update

hi guys i got some good news and bad news.

1. i sprain my ankle :(
2.i study really hard during my break so am highly confident that i may have pass math 009
3. the C-step program may be out of reach but i haven't given up
4. Am psuhing my self more so i can have a concret future
5.  cupid is pissing me off , he wont stop sending me canidates. am still not ready but am thinking about just dating not even relationship just dating in general.
6.I have been cutting my self off from technology to keep focus so social life is good but not as high as it use to be.
7. planning to get my piercing again around april
8. I've been working out meaning i weight 130 but i look  smaller and fit and i still have my lady lumps ^.^
9. am still on my anime game and i need help resending my cosplay out fit to get a bigger size. i feel its better if i was in medium in case i gain weight again.
10. shamefully i've been writing romance poems and short story, its really hard to stop. It's like am writing out my dream guy mix with things i miss? its os confusing for me
11.my mom is still in alot of pain i still try to do alot for her and show that i need to be indepent.

well thats all for now untill next time... green me

Happy new year and a UPDATE on whats with me

Hey everyone and happy new year am just here to update whats happen so far. - My mom had a accident on new years day so am taking care of her and I proudly face my fear and made a testimony at church for the evening. - Am changing my major to bio, my career path is physical therapy - currently for my winter break am doing Mth009 for 4 hours straight for 12 days from 6pm to 10pm.( am really doing good in the class but quizzes not so much) - Ive gotten my self a cosplay outfit of Tia haibel of the espada from bleach but the outfit is XS so its a small problem ( no pun intended) -I Completely Cut off all my hair since it was badly damage by box braid( at home i wear my boyish hair style and at school i wear a wig. Am to shy to go out just yet but from people who have seen me wit my hair they say its beautiful)( ill post a pic at the bottom of this post) - most times i spend my times on facebook games or IMVU (sekococo) - I have a terrible back pain but am planning a fitness routine but not yet since i need to gain weight (currently am 122 pounds :O). -I have no love life and i still do not want to deal with one either ( but its hard to tell a friend that i dont want to date) - Today i was stupid enough to post up a question on facebook about rejection and asking a certain someone something mainly my EX. ( to which i came to a realization that i wasn't worth it to tell them how i feel if they are long gone about it) - Lately my cat has been a little friendlier then usual meaning she getting use to me which is good. - My best male friend hates me and am clueless why (i hate it when he gets mad at me and ignores me it really hurts) but i suck it up and try to do what i need to do. Showing weakness is no a option. - One of my best friend chrystal has been MIA so i really do miss her. And for some odd reason i feel a distance between my other two best friends within in us three. Any thing else Am on the foucus game but my heart is being a ass for holding me back. Thats it for now later RAWR ( am thinking about changing green me/strike> to rwar)