confusion

Well remember the guy I was talking about before. Well I was thinking over what some of my friends say and I think I like him a lot! But it still contradicts on my feelings and thoughts. I mean I like him but I don't want to admit that I want to try again am still afraid. Its weird but I can't go a day with out talking to him and. I listen to his songs repeatedly lol am not obsessed I just like them. Am also scared that if I should put my full trust in this?. What ever the verdict be it will be posted on here. ?.?.



verdict.... were not dating and i dont think i like him as much should i still try?

......? i dunno

Am wondering if i should start anew and hope the pain erase or wait and mature till am ready... i dunno i feel so confuse. I still dont trust ppl as much but i also been feeling lonely. Sigh getting stabbed hearts but does reviving a heart hurts more or make it stronger. Am afraid of making the same mistakes but i feel maybe i should try???. Why is this so hard? Maybe am just gong to fast, yea i'll just wait out and hopefully time will tell me how to do it while and working out the problems on the side. lately i've been beating up my self self being envious of some people, wishing to look better or improve something about me. I dunno i feel so ugly and horrible inside and out. I want to change but am afraid for the worst will come to me. One baby step at a time i guess and then the big step for being free. Anyone please pray for me. And thanks myles for keeping me smiling even though its been short you still mange to break that wall and push my buttons lol.

On a another Note its so sad to see girls lose there hearts to jerks and there virginity but keep string girls. just know that things may never be forever but a new rose is willing to grow.

well whats new?

Hmmm I met a awesome new friend. He's very talented and certainly don't look like his personality lol. He can dance. Sing.produce music, kick boxing, muay tai, computer nerd and gamer not to mention a skate boarder. He reall cool and seems to knw a great deal of anime which is pretty awesome. Even though today was boring and I was feeling sick he was cool to give me a couple of laugh and share his music and anime. I made it clear that am not dating so dnt get the ideal I know who you are but he a cool friend. He's nice enough to teach me some moves so yay for me. Also am getting ready to visit my brother this weekend so excited while dreadeding the fact I gotta go to megder evers and math class. and

Sigh felt that weight again...

I cried a lot this morning. I was going back in to my old phone to use at work the one I had be4 my g1 and well there was so much things left on that phone it was so painfull holding . All I could do was try to delete as much as I can and read less. But some of the words still hurt me even if it was just one like missing you or morning luv. It took a while to cope with my self but I'll be alright. :(. But it may take a day or to to recollect my self. Sigh my chest feel so heavy again. Other news I pass out yesterday at work!. I hadn't eat breakfast or drink anything from the rush and not feeling hungry. It was werid you know when you got in the water and your ears are fill so you can't hear and your eyes are blurry but when you close them its dark well that's what happen to me it was scary my body went numb and it felt hard to breath I couldn't remember anything more after that execpt drinking water and a truck carrying me out the forest. Well today I made sure I tried to eat but it was diffult I wasn't hungry and it made me feel sick to eat but I had to do what was healthy for me can't have the same thing twice in two days. Well that's it for now seems am thinking about closing it but my friends are bothering me about keeping it up . I might consider it.

Hmmmm.....Today

well lets see today i woke up early to find out that i had no work because of the rain yay. But i was teary this morning cat allergies got to me and my eyes were red and swollen plus i was sad i couldn't see a friend go( i cried for a bit). Then my new friend/co-worker came over by me and we shared infos on each others lives, pasts and loves. we had a great bond and she cried at one of my poems. We made pancake hearts and broken hearts and played rock band in which we unlock and got better at some songs. And am proud to say for the first time i got 70% on welcome home by coheed and cambria. I learn some new songs that i can't wait to practice. Am still not ready for expert so amd taking my time. Soon i need to get on tales of vaspira and complete that stage am stuck on. One of the three things that got me caught off guard two day was a text message that kinda surprise me to be honest i still think its the end, the second my co-worker who told me most of her secrets felt she trust me alot and said she would like me to join in a threesome with her bf which was WoW and kinda cool shhhh!and the last things was finding out a close friend of mine lost her virginity to one of the guys who violated me the same day even though i gave her warnings from before but she feel confident he would go to anyone after her so all i can say is she can do so much better.

On to other matters am not going in to any dating, am still closing off and its very diffucult getting close to guys. Am still keeping a wall and distance. A memo for the guys that are trying to get with me just forget it and push your luck on some other girl am not taking any chances or letting any control over me.

:'( It hurts again and all i can do is pray

Its all back to me why does it hurt again? i want this buried and forgotten. I feel so stupid. Can someone just please tell me am Stupid and dumb. My heart and brain is just in two different places. my brain knows all and can deal with it but my heart is just so gullible and stupid. I want curl in to a corner and write poems and hear the lyrics that speak to me in repetition so i can dream freely with out any stakes to feel. I wanna be back at the hospital in the cool room laying on my bed with the yellow walls and the silence around and machines hum and i'll fall in to a deep slumber with out any thoughts and dream away. This is how i feel but i dont want to feel i just want nothing but my day dreams. Wishful thinking is my delay and life disappointments.


I was speaking to a guy and well here's how the convo go.
__________ (7:58:19 AM): i miss yu deadass
Cekococo (8:04:09 AM): why i dont understand?
Cekococo (8:04:30 AM): i dont get it what is it there to like about me why am i so interesting to you
Cekococo (8:05:49 AM): all i did was extend a hand and a cold shoulder. i dont deserve this and you show know better. there plently of girls i bet who would love your attention and affection. Am just not one of them.
Cekococo (8:06:23 AM): am nothing really, you dont know how i could mess you up or treat you like dirt or maybe in the end ill just get hurt.

Sigh i never thought i could be direct like that it werid how it came out so bluntly i wish i could take it back but its the truth!.

Part 2

Cekococo (8:08:23 AM): i still dont get whats interesting about me
Mi__________ (8:09:29 AM): everything
Cekococo (8:12:37 AM): i wish i could see that but i dont and probably never will and stop wassting your time. just go look for another girl plz!

I want this to stop. i don't want any guy save me or come close.

Green Me Alone

What's wrong with me?

I guess life wasnt done with me yet. You live through so much disappointment that you get use to it later on and I think life is just preparing me for the worst. That. Means am a super trooper because you knw what I say fuck everything and hold a smile on my face as I keep trying to do my best.....But its still hard to cope with my feelings sigh... I guess am emo wishing i was there with the group. Oh well Life is Unfair and a bitch so ill be alive and kick back with vengence when am older MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! ;(

Ugh!.. I think am emo

Today i feel shitty mostly from my 3 previous posts.
Am still holding on to that rope of hope and push my self to new lenghts.
But i feel some setbacks are catching up with me and i dunno how i can keep up holding on to that rope.

was alone for church today and worst yet all my friends there graduated or move to another church so it get sad there. My mom was like why didn't you invite your ex before he go and i got annoyed when she does that i think she just trying to prove a point or something and still blame me for the break up which was like how long , i wish she just drop it.

I realize the reason of why i didnt like working and its because my pay checks are never to stay for me to save but to go to my mom bills and my debts from her sigh!
whats the point of me working if i can't keep the money this always happen to me!.

on the side note my friend boyfriend is going to teach me free running while his girlfriend is just gonna learn back flips. i think thats great because i always love and wanted to do acrobats and marital arts.

which reminds me if i do mange to save money i can maybe use it to do shadowkan marital arts and kick boxing for self defense and fun :) maybe i can get in the sport of it lol.

yay i stop crying!!! its been 5 nights in a row. i didnt know how i can go through the day with out tears but i mange and leave it at home.

ohhh let me put up a list of songs i've been listening to alot all week. In a way they show how i feel alot lately if you notice the lyrics or titles.
Artist/Band - Song Title

Adele - hometown glory( high contrast Remix & original)

Alice In Chains - Man In The Box

30 seconds to mars - Attack, Beautiful Lie, The Kill, Capircorn

Amy Winehouse - Back To Black

Beyonce - Beautiful Nightmare(first mix), Sweet dreams, broken Hearted girl, Why don't you Love me, Hello, Radio, Save the Hero, Scared of lonely, Smash Into you

Kayne West - BitterSweet, Stronger, I wonder, Love knock down

Panic! at the disco - Boys will Be boys, I write sin not Tragedies, Nine In The Afternoon, There's a reason why those table are numbered honey.you just don't notice them

My Chemical Romance - Cemetery Drive, Early Sunset Over Monroeville, Famous last words, The Ghost Of You, Jack the Ripper, Kill All Your Friends, Its not a fashion statement its a death wish, Vampires wont hurt you, Thank you For The Venom, This Is How I Disappear, The End

Daft Punk - harder.better.faster.stronger, Something About Us

Faith no more - Epic

Avenged Sevenfold - GunSlinger, Seize the Day

Ian Van Dahl - I can't let you go, Just a girl looking for a heart beat

Omarion - Ice Box

RadioHead - Creep

Keri Hilson - Knock You Down

Dream Threater - Panic Attack

Sound Garden - Black Hole Sun

Vanilla Sky - Umbrella

Coheed And Cambria - Welcome Home

Bob Sinclair - World Hold On

Lets see.. how am feeling?

These past three days have taken a toll on my body am so exhausted but i feel great from a day of work done. Today again i worked on my break and didnt eat. i did triple times the work then i was suppose to my feet are swollen and hurting. my arms are tired with cuts from hooked rods and i smell like duck weed that fill the pond and that i remove from fishing poles man am i tired.

I've been going to sleep during the day or go to bed early. Also i keep sleeping where ever i go out with friends i guess i just need more rest!. This morning i was feeling a bit of pain at my abdomen from when one of the guys that touch me there yesterday. And today my friend brought her boyfriend who very tall and does free running and did a back flip which was cool.

Am a little upset that my ex im me last night( but its my fault for not telling him what am doing) and told me how many days he has left. It only me made me sad and hurt a little more. I would of prefer it if he didnt remind me and maybe contact me till after he's there i dunno.

I feel so conflicted now because i want to have a bf( just to get rid of the lonely feeling) but more then ever i cant trust guys now and my heart still hurt is afraid of loving anyone. i feel so mess up but am just trying to concentrate at the task at hand and that is to work, do good and support my self.

Also i realize every time i hang or meet up with guys i always bring my best friend cam or any female friend. I realize am really afraid to be around guys let alone my self that there has to be a large distance between me and them or some one there that a female.

I don't think i want to be around males anymore

....phew this is hard but i feel this is the only place where i can let this out. But this week i got violated twice and all i feel like is hating myself and being uncomfortable around guys.I dont think i want to date anymore but cause now i feel only guys want me sexually and ppl i thought who i trust use it against me i feel so ashame.

so next week is when he leave....my last reflection

Hey guys i made a promise to my self i wouldn't write here until am in my college but i feel i needed to get things off my chest and i will be deleting this blog when i reach my 100 post :(( sorry guys but its my way of shedding old skin like a snake).


where do i begin???
Am a terrible person :P but i still try to live a good life.
but yeah so... um...how am i feeling??? words can't describe it but its not a good feeling and not something i will dwell on. But as i think i realize my heart is still a little hurt and sad just a bit not a lot like before. I want to get everything off chest so am not going to beat around the bush. one more thing i am shutting down my emotion from love until after college. Am going to miss him very much and even though am slowly healing its still good to hear from him.

here's a convo i had with a friend getting it off my chest.
cekococo(08:48 PM):Harold leaving next Tuesday
___________(08:48 PM):how much ur getting paid and stuff
___________(08:48 PM):Damn
cekococo(08:49 PM):Am getting paid 7.25 a hr
___________(08:49 PM):Cool
___________(08:49 PM):i started to eat again
cekococo(08:49 PM):Yeah
___________(08:49 PM):it was hard but im ok
___________((08:49 PM):the emotional part is a long way to go
cekococo(08:50 PM):I feel werid about him leaving there so much I want to tell but I want to leave it buried lol
cekococo(08:50 PM):_________ is lucky she gonna hang with him the night before he goes. i wanted to hang with him and spend time with him before he goes but that just old thinking ya know am no longer in that position.
cekococo(08:51 PM):Amma stay strong I might cry but atleast no one would see it
___________((08:51 PM):you still got time yourself
cekococo(08:51 PM):? Huh
___________((08:51 PM):If you wanna tell him bye you should
cekococo(08:52 PM):Nah its less pain that way
___________((08:52 PM):leaving stuff buried just means you wish it wasnt sometimes
cekococo(08:52 PM):Am going to let him live life past free
___________(08:52 PM):hm
cekococo(08:52 PM):No matter what I say won't change the fact of how he feel nor me
cekococo(08:53 PM):I won't waste my last refelctions
cekococo(08:53 PM):Its time for me to grown up, buried the past, and wish him luck in love and life
cekococo(08:54 PM):Am happy cuz he's going to be happy and I don't need to wreck what's going good for him
cekococo(08:54 PM):I love him but I can't love a shadow
cekococo(08:55 PM):And I knw I will miss him terriblely but I need to admit fact
cekococo(08:55 PM):And even though I knw everyone leaving me amma still be the same green me lol

the thing is i was kinda upset we couldnt hang before he leave or ask me to hang and the fact that i knew there going to be a going away party and they didnt invite me but my best friend...but may am not ment to be there? or am not a friend but just a past burden? i feel like that kid who gets pick last or no one ever want that kid on there team. :( :(

other things i need to get off my chest am still planing on moving and despite my mom health is the only reason why am still in this house, if she wont help her self and wont take my help then am not needed to be there any longer.

another thing i want to get off my chest is that i had a dream of having a baby with someone( dream freak me out for 2 weeks) but that all am saying.

lets see what else...i think after tonite i might not talk to my ex any more just to help him leave back all the past cause he kinda right whats the point of coming back to a place that only done nothing good for him and people too. And to help me deal with my feeling of lost and loneiness of a heartache that came back. That way i dont have to get depress.

hmmm....i want to get a vch piercing but am far to nervous and shy and i wish i had the support of someone to be there. and in my third year of college a snake bite :).

oh and i am ashame to say but am still letting guys take advantage of me and i wonder why is when i fight back they dont take no for a answer. i lost trust in guys more now its scary how they can suck you in and you can't take it back.

oh and i envy of someone who get to do alot more then i can, i mean i would to if i had the support for it.

am startng to feel my best frend is using her negativity and fear to control her and hurt me. She gets envious of me and feel we have to be in competition and it makes me feel she trying to live a shadow life and not go beyond that point. Like i lost my old best friend and gain one who see's me as a idol or enemy.

i want to do what my ex is doing. move out and live another life. i want to do that so badly but i feel its out of reach for me. maybe i should as him if he wants a roommate lol that would never happen for sure.

when i took a shower tonight i cried a little not alot because i rememebr the things i had wish for not to long ago. things i had on my list that would never be completed.

and since my stress cause my lady day to be off balance and i dont have it this month. i've been getting a lot of urges and am trying to fight it but i feel that i will do something to regret which i don't know what. i feel ashame that i want pleasure so badly even when am not in the mood.

oh and i still think my bro wifey still hates me and it really does hurt when i feel am being in the way of someone friendship or relationship.

I feel so dumb like a jackass. My brain knows the deal but its like my heart don't want to heal. It just makes me more angry with my self to see that my heart doesnt want to get over whats already gone and lost. My brain is like ok time to adjust to life changes. but now the hurt is back and its annoying me it makes me feel like am willing to do anything to forget this heartache! argh! well all i can do is keep trying to better my life and ajusting to changes with a fail heart. :\

Green Me Confessions

that my confessions for now.

>.< i did it again

i'll try and make this post short and not off track from the previous one. Am making a change list, it will be hard to follow but i will do it.

I may be still heart broken but am going to try and live life and look for love when am ready
I want to do my greatest in college and not worry about problems or plans falling apart
If things get tough i wont complain about it anymore even though i know it has to be hard
I will continue to accomplish things physically and build a stronger mindset
i will face my worries and fears but still keep a caution mind
i'll look for my drive the true one not a reason
i will spend each day as if it was my last effort
...will add more later but send suggestions.

No more Rants, No more Hidding, No more Unsure

Last night i celebrated a little to much which lead to this morning headache(Note: i don't usually drink only for special occasions and with small amounts but that night i was alone so i guess i fell a bit off the track) . i still remember some of the things i converse with three friends. And i knew the different responses i'll will get.

The first she help me laugh up but also let me know we'll get out of things and we end with her "It's not the end of the world". One thing i like about her is she knows how a girl can be and she very sweet about, helping me see that its ok and due time i'll get the sweet part of life.

The second friend he's a bit different( he also have a blog that you can check out)he was giving me lame jokes which help me laugh and get off my alcoholic loathing.He reminded me that i should hang life weight and enjoy what i can. And i will definitely try and do that. I no longer want to feel negative when i should enjoy the positive. My emotions are what bring me down and so i will pick my self up and laugh it off.

The third friend he's a highly confident person but a good motivator. He reminded me that i have things going good so why trouble my self about my fears. He told me i need to try more harder and if sacrifices come make it don't cry about it. only issues we could agree on was relationship. (Its hard to explain to someone that are use to having a short relationship that when you had a great-long relationship and then it abruptly ended its never something you can over come. I had my first real relationship and i gave my all, after it crash all there was nothing more then the ever pain of a broken heart and great memories constantly reminding you that you don't have this anymore, you can't do this anymore, there's noone there to treat you like that again or make you want to live life to the funniest with someone. those same things eat away when it comes to my greatest or great progress in my road to my goal. when i thought about his relationships i realize he only done what he said girl problem doing. Having a good person date the jerk. If your reading this i thought about the girls you mention and honestly i don't think any of them was a good girl or put there all in it if it fell short. am not trying to prove that i can't get over but that its a long pain i have to deal with and recovery is a fragile process. you can say i may still love him and i need to get over it. But you won't know how to do so in my place. I constantly tell my heart to forget it and the pain will subside. You don't know how much this one feeling can do to a girl who don't stay on continuous relationships. it took me 5 years of no dating to recollect my self and 1 year to get over the person. to me comeing out of a relationship i had is like how my father left me. I can keep doing what i need to do but i can never get rid of a broken heart pain. It may be my fault for dating a "jerk" but i never saw that and that part i could care less about. But thank you thought for still showing me that i need to prove myself more if i need to get what i want. Oh and you wonder why i doubt so much on my wants never going through its because my want is to be in a relationship just as good as the last and have that affection i yearn for my whole life. getting out the house and jobs are only just steps for me, i'll do them but i know

My brother told me that men are in full control of there emotions because then gone through it enough to dealt with it. I may be in college and looking for a job but that doesnt me i got my game on track. Heart and mind are two different things I can keep my head forward and accomplish things physical but emotionally am unstable and negativity is what i always grew up with but i wont use that as an excuse i'll just try to keep being positive as long as i can.

FML

Stress to the core don't know why but holding it in is not helping.I want to run from everything but tag along some things. Honesty i wonder is my stress is depression or some chronic feeling of feeling low. I realize i cant keep hiding my low feelings. i wonder how long will someone find out that i been hiding my self the truth, how easily fragile i became or how i lost respect for my life and all hope. Am trying to be happy and positive on everything but it just doesn't stand to me since i been feeling Unhappy and disconnected. My regrets grow, Fears taking over and thinking & thoughts break me when everything seems fine. I feel like i can't steer my life anymore its just swerving and crashing. Everything i hope for, only gain disappointments. It makes me feel like i want to crawl back in to my shell. I lost everything i once own to my greatest strength. I have no passion, i lack will power and i feel that i make my problems and draw drama near to me. I don't want to live but neither die. i keep pushing my self despite the horrible things that pull me down. i question my self so much and can't get a answer out. i have so much deep feelings it feel like its either weighting me down or just being a parasite that eats away at me. i keep taking on negative and never do confrontations. i've given up on some of my favorite hobbies just because i lost the love in it. i know longer care for my self or stuff. Now i just keep praying for everything to ease inside and out. My stress feel likes my days is number again like when i end up at the hospital (for hyperventilation / anxiety induce panic attack) over a argument with my mom. that day i wanted nothing more but to died and leave all that has hurt me so much. I even know that obtaining what i want is never achieve. I lost my dream and her world .It doesnt make sense for me to keep forcing my self in a losing battle. I thank and love all my friends that try to help me and those who brought a smile but am just not not pulling through and really i feel that some of my resentment is holding me back. I have turn down 13 guys who interest is to get close to me and love me, 3 said they will wait for me despite my warning and letting them know am not going to go through no mater how long i wait. Am to wreck up in the heart to ever go dating. I haven dated in 5 years i can do it again or even longer. I mean am suppose to let go of the past and move on but i dunno the pain really stayed and scar me it was more then just one person so its a bigger scar then you think. I don't think i can continue with a relationship or find someone who can fill my void. I've been feeling lonely lately more but it's been harder because of things that i miss doing in a relationship , if i can stop remembering my past relationships with only the positive then i wouldnt be affect so much. I feel i can't love anyone or trust-wise i dont want to take a chance again and then end up fleeing when i know i will feel wrong, hurt and ashamed. I commerce the females who can bounce back in to a relationship and shed those old emotions. I want to bounce back but i don't want to go through the cycle and end up hurt. I don't want to know the truth in the end that a guy lost love for me or feels am not enough. Not to mentions ties to other people and knowing that somehow am just a tale. I don't want false hope or any emotions holding me back. So am gonna go solo and push i guess till i think i get what i deserve. Wanting is not achieved so what ever i deserve is what i take in.
I never want to feel used in life but i still end up doing so but i know i wont let it happen , I won't tolerate the things people took advantage of me i can't even if i deserve it in some cruel way. Instead of walk the opposite direction am going to walk through hell's fire and conquer it but really i know i wont make it or hold up long enough. ... on the side note the guys who i block from contacting me am warning you am not looking for love and i know that 4 of you have recently gotten out of a relationship or still in one. Am not getting in to no drama shit i know whats its like to see another men be with another girl and am not a fool to get in to that. For the 2 guys who are my friends and stop trying to get me. I thank you for respecting my feelings and want to ensure that i stay ok. and for the one guy seeking only a physical relationship am not or will ever be interested am not going to wrap my self in such a matter of where i know i can be very emotionally involve not to mention am out of your league so stop contacting me if am ignoring you. ....ok i gotten off topic i'll get back after church.