Deep Thinking on the 2 Train...

Life is not what it seems, when you make believe.
When you think you see the future, its just a dream
You can make it happen but most times you can't
Just reaching for that invisible ladder
To be free is just a great responesibity, to live in a cage has none
What do I look for, why can't it happen, I want what I want, but I can't have it
Words are just tall tales some with a road others with a step
I notice in my self that my emotions break me but I guess its there to make my shell harder or scar me about life
What am I doing to be happy?, it feels like am following orders and hurting myself along the way.
What do I thrive for, so undeceives and lost.
I always knew it can hurt to get up, and cry when your not close.
I know I wreck my self but I didn't know I can pick up
Amazingly I have cut off my love support to survive and not living off for a while
I don't think am ready, my mind still the same, am thinking back again
Well am losing my mind this time, this time am losing my mind
Then I won't hold back when am ready,
Its amazing to see am still in the same spot, unchanged, unloved, unfeel, unseal, unkeep, not real.

It will happen soon, I can tell, when life is alter and am out of the shell, I won't be the same, I won't hold your hand, ill be the anti, out spoken and raw, my smiles will be the same force and un-true, my memories will erase to make a new,
Who will I be?, what will I do? Who will be he the one I choose? How can I see? This is just a dream?
Question left to be un answer or aren't true.

Will I think the anew, and sleep like I always do?
My worries comes true and my dreams died in my memories, am haunted by the truth why can't they see that.
Am a danger to my self, am a danger to my friends and when it come to love am a danger to the end
I no longer see my faults just those who will see its there fault.
Amazing how my heart beating again only to show its false hope and wanting to freeze again. I guess am not ready for love if am losing care. Maybe I should be asexual, no contact, not touch, loving or kisses, just no other but my self and my thoughts to be with.
I will do the unthinkable the bold and beautiful, I will share my self to no individual, to care, to hold, to caress or told, to work and to teach, and give them a speech, to protect and heal as I serve to be, you may not understand this but I belong to noone. I just like being hold, if I fall today, ill push the hand away, to be alone feels good even if it hurts sometimes,
What is this calling?, its negative or positive I know it really me.