The hard facts hurts the most

Last night i was speaking with a dear friend who like a brother to me. before i called him all i was doing was crying as i clean up the house, the only comfort i got was my cat giving me company. and i was feeling so sad.

so i thought to might self maybe i should called him and asking him why am i feeling like this. its weird but he's the only person that knows me well and reads me like a book. so on the phone at 12 in in the morning i ask him one question. "why am i so unhappy?" and his reply was " because you don't love your self and all you ever wanted was someone to love the part that you don't" and i thought to my self that can't be it, in all truth i was in denial with what he said. I told him that "how could i hate my self and still be alive , surely i wouldn't be living?" but again he counter and said" you don't have the guts to do it just like how you can't say no to a guy who you don't like or love you back, you torture your self feeling that you deserve it. you rather have the feeling of being used then ignored" i started to tear up in disbelief with his answer , it just couldn't be true. then he said" if i think about it know; you can't stand being by your self and you always look down on your self" and i said " well i got low self -esteem but i do work on it and with my child hood and all its a bad habit. But you don't get that i want companionship, i want some one to love for my own and get the affections that i once had" and again he counter " if you have love your self then companionship would be a big deal to you, you can love your self and that will be it, and i will remind you your last relationship was not real love cause you only love someone who couldn't love you back, all you end up is loving people who want to use you or talk down to you and you can't ask for affection with out knowing what it is, until you can love your self first then you can be happy and look for the person who can love you as much as you want" and i cried at everything being said so much things he told me later it had me shaken up but i guess it was real.

I wasn't sad be cause i don't have anyone to love or cause am lonely but because am desperate to have something to make me feel good and distracted my self from me, am unhappy because am unhappy with my self and i need to change that!, hopefully only that will help me to trust my judgments and find someone who can show me a real relationship :/.
later guys peace- green me