well.........

One i had a blast today despite being sick. had two friends to cheer me up and give me a good time then i got a gift from one which was a rabbit ;) i named it Grunny( Green + bunny) kadstar Benjamen Jr. (inside joke for those that knew about buzzinton) it was a cool gift for my graduation. I had a long fun day, but i did find out i didnt get accepted to the school i want so yea and i got a lil stress had a empty feeling it hurted a lil but i'll get over it. Well in due time i'll be happy and all my pain , stress, empty and guilt will go away. Pray for me, cheer me up, make me laugh do what ever to have me happy again so i can for get the worst.

A happy beginning A sad ending

Today i had a wonderful graduation if was one of my most tearful events i ever been to. I never though i could cry so much I was both happy and sad but never the less proud. I am so happy that i was able to complete so much in less then 4 years and to be with my wonderful friends in my white gown. Though i had wish some people to be there on my big day i had also known that there were supporting me from when ever i may be. But sorry to say that today at 1pm One of music's founding fathers has passed away so young. Michael Jackson will always be remember through his talent and entertainment to many generations and i hope that we may keep that alive as well. R.I.P M.J.

thank you chyrstal

chrystalmeth____ (11:53:38 PM): Please stay happy cause then i will feel worst and im still crying,Promise that you will put your happiness before your doubts and worries,Smile when u want to frown because then others wil see,have a good memory for tomorrow,have double the fun for both of us,and tho i cant handle being there...pretend i am rooting you on...

i will and thank you for that i promise i'll represent the both of us on that day.

I hate my Music player because it haunts me

Well after i made my new post , i went and check my blog and guess what song was playing? The player played Beautifyl Lie By 30 Seconds to mars at first i was angry but you know what it was right!

Lie awake in bed at night
And think about your life
Do you want to be different?
Try to let go of the truth
The battles of your youth
'Cause this is just a game

[Chorus:]
It's a beautiful lie
It's the perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful it makes me

It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last
Hide behind an empty face
Don't ask too much, just say
'Cause this is just a game

- Our past relationship , our friendship and my feelings were just a big joke for you and your friends. Thank you for reminding that am just a gullible chick who falls and believe in any shit that anyone says or do!.

When feelings come to Life

well tomorrow is my big day and i have some people coming in support. But today at practice i had some uneasy feeling in my stomach, then if came to the thought of people i know who were coming and then someone who won't. To my greatest pain i was right on that feeling. I want to know if the feeling was right i didn't want to wait till everything crashes on me so i ask the person there excuse - i can't be off that day, i though someone told you( which it doesn't hurt if you told me imperson and through the period of time we was communicating)and the aim status being a joke of you being free of that day. Not to mention i told this person 3 months in advance and 3 days ago along with a friend to remind them. But i won't let this feeling of anguish ruin my important day, and i no longer wont to care of how there feeling because mines is more important to heal. On a side note am very happy to have my family come meaning my brother and sister(one can't make)and i finally have left high school hell.

How i feel today?

I feel stupid , low and frustrated and humiliated...( i just know that i fall for anything, hurt myself, keep making mistakes, make my self awkward, and worry about what people think of me).Oh well just need to keep pushing my self to a better future if only the pain and sickness would go. I don't how to be a friend or why i bother if am not treated like one, then there's the things that keep digging up my buried feelings and the seeping feeling of loneliness not to mention feeling like am getting to close to someone that kinda makes me afriad of how i see people and how i might hurt them. Sigh life is crap but you got to get the shovel and clean the mess before it gets out of hand. I need to keep it together or else i would feel i need to do with out friends who are important to me.

Poem letter..eehh

Old poem new ending the letter
Written in that green marker
Seko loves smexy
Smiles of taken pictures
Memories fly bye and time changes
Cradle in your arm
Cry on your shoulder, I look away but you pull me to face
Making me smile when the sun is down
Holding me tight when were alone in the dark
Caressing my soul and brighten my dream
I don’t want this to end not like a track or a video scene
Fun times and the joy I had
To be with you forever and end
I didn’t care about your background just who you are
A splitting mirror and a reverse personality
It’s a gray scene when I think of it
You would be in your pin stripe suit and am the girl you pull in close like a 1930s gangster movie
My fingers lock in your dreads
Recorded memories in my head
I want to give you my whole world and heal your scars
I was the angel and you was the dark
When we joke it was plans, just waiting to happen
To sore in to the sky with me holding your hand
Are talents alike so we connected
Are hearts entwine
So we were wrapped
My heart pump twice more when I see you
It was an illusion the problems I had
I was happy and smiled when near
I remember when we first met I talked about
You a lot when you never were there
I picked you up and you sat me on your lap
Two songs reminded me of you
Something about us and beautiful night mare
I would stare at you a lot
Just can’t believe, that am in your present and was so near
When am home I missed you a lot, always want to hear you even when you don’t want to
I remember how you ask how I feel
I remember I reply I feel safe with you
I remember my embarrassing times I had
You never cared or judge it was cute on your end
You would call me from your days of torment
And tell me my voice was that cope you need
And listening to you made me happy and wishing you near
I was never an object to you but something dear
I remember I told you with tears
To never let go no matter how far we go
I can remember our stories we would share
It was so cool to hear
I felt empower for myself, you was the boost I need
To unlock my greeness
I remember when I get worry you never fear
And so I didn’t cause there nothing to fear
I remember my first tears I turn away
You was so concern you kept checking at bay
When you did things for me it was the first kindness I had
I never thought in my life I could be so glad
When you showed me your family and friends
I was very shy; you didn’t care and wanted me to bond in your web
And when we argue it would be short, you was assure that it shouldn’t be more
And when we watch anime, we cuddle to a song to feel warm
And laugh at what we saw
And when you was inside me
I felt more your touch not my insides but my core
And never once you haven’t ask if I was ok
To be afraid of hurting me like a china glass in a case
And when you kiss me I was flavor, a taste so unique you said it could last forever
June17 I will always celebrate, it whether it’s with somebody or by my self
Not many people are happy with whom they gave it but I did
And when you was out with your friends or around your opposite gender, I felt number one to say they can’t have you because I was only yours
And when insults roll you saw them as jokes or me and my insecurities
And when your loved one passes away, I wanted to be there and hold your face to make the pain go and kiss that new scar away
Or when I was sick I wanted to keep you healthy by distancing myself
And when we hang I felt whole like a family story to be told
The title how I met your mother would call lol
I became more and grew with strength
I would brave the cold just to see you once more
I love the pictures we had they were great, I love to boast about you
With my friends, I never once had a negative thing to be said
I miss theses times when we profess our love
And laugh about a future we could hold
I would show the love while you was the hold
It made me think so far that it became my goal
…..but that was then and this is now
And my position is no longer a lover
Just a past and a distant friend
I can love you as I wanted too, I can’t be near you like I would
How I feel ashamed to still be attracted to you
My words are like glass and shards and you must never know
How much I've Iove you and the world you hold
So I write a new book and closed the old album
I can’t love my prince because it no more
So I like my friend and shouldn’t more
When I heard you were moving, I wanted to be that girl who boy going to battle and she sit by the window to leave the light on or when he comes home to her
When I heard you move on and a new love took place
I wanted to die but I said no point cause god kept me alive
Nothing more I fear was to feel… I never existed or I was never there
So I push to at least to be near, in case your heart breaks I can cradle the pain away
But all I did was annoyed you and look untrustworthy, I always push things to further then I should because I don’t know when to stop
The beautiful bond I work hard at lost
So I remember my words not to love me or come back for me
To sting back at such a time, echo in my mind
When I heard that you were trying, I felt lost
To see it can never happen with me so I’ve lost
So I rooted for the team, ignored home and know that you are happy
I told myself I can’t get hurt again but I know it will happen anyway
To have a open wounded and to root for you and your quest for love
Was the internal scar I gave to myself, to be a dedicated friend
Only to cut deep by displaying my self
I was stubborn and ignorant to believe
I could use my body or somebody to forget
The mess I made and all my regrets
I wrote 3 letters and 5 poems about you from day one to know I have
But 2 got deleted and burn they didn’t matter cause it can never turn
3 poems were lost full of love that can’t be return
This is one of them I remember I’ll just change the ending to feel better
I also had to end my plans of places, things to do and bigger steps for me and you
I guess I didn’t come out in time enough for you to see how dedicated I can be
So I can’t end with sadness that I mustn’t do
I feel so stupid to write this now to be kind of over you and my heart unbound
I hope to me someone like you one day just not with the shutting off and black days
I know that will be my true happiness, and then I can do the same things I love
And feel free again, just to be in someone arm and pray
Thank you for sharing your friend he had capture my heart a few time but my scar’s untied
I was honesty upset how you try to pass my heart to another, but at least he’d care and became a real friend
But since you guys were best friends I couldn’t feel trust, He deserve someone who loves him whole, not what was once yours. I know I cross my line but that was because I was still sad
So ill only hang for the ride and enjoy the time, who knows my hope will rise
As the day gets closer to you leaving I feel that it will be the last I heard from you or you’re freely
Am not sure when to give this to you or probably never, you wouldn’t care too so I’ll just leave it in memory space to be.
After we broke up I felt there was a another chance but I thought I can’t because it was never there
So I pour my heart out in tears wish you would hold me and wipe them away but it was still fresh
But I can’t say you’d care to do that now, I can’t say you would want to be my friend
Or ask me about my day… am just a person on a list to never be notice to what.
I am strong and brave I can face whatever my road is
Though I have a sad life it’s not enough to make me end just because I know I can get happy along the way
Maybe one day I’ll re-enter your life it maybe not be the wife I wish but maybe an aunty/god-mother, co-worker or a best friend 
Bye Harold I will miss you terribly am glad you can walk away a different person today at least I know you as that key in my life.
With love/Friendly care
Your niqua, angel, mango or whatever you called me LMAO Shaniqua
P.s. (Don’t stay in the dark, your better in the light) and thanks for opening up my eyes and helping me meet the coolest people you hang with. I know you won’t feel bad about anything and it’s not my intention. Treasure my drawings and this letter if you can (wait never mind your wifey wont like that lol). Oh and thanks for coming to my Graduation it was very important for you to see me happy and successful. ;) . The song playing in my head writing this poem was “Creep by radio head” I felt like creep because “Am a weirdo”. Oh yeah I learn something, I thought I could get over you and the relationship but I went about it the wrong way , a dear friend told me “you shouldn’t forget something as important as that, you accept it and move along keep hold and let it bring you joy on your rainy day”. So I won’t get rid of this just keep it as a momentum. See ya in the future again or not… oh that reminds me If you do see my mom can you shove it down her throat that am not yours it hurts how she keep putting things in my head that aren’t true.

Seko feels sick

I dunno why but i have this awful and sick feeling in my stomache and chest wish me better and pray. Maybe laughter and green is medicine i need.

The song that relates sorta to my Letter 6 post

Why wont i pick up you guys calls?

My mom disconnected my phone and paid only her bill to keep her on plus she planing to take off the internet but don't worry there always a way to commicate if not by technology.

My letter to Blackstar Aka aiki letter 6

Well i wont be brodcasting my blog and i know certain people wont look on here so i guess its safe to post it. i ownt send it to the person cause i'll ust end up doing it again some how. And i needed to get this out my head since it kept making me feel sorry for everything i do.

Am going to hate my self in the future for doing this i hate when i feel bad for letting out my opinion. Ok how can i explain this there's a whole reason to why i said i want to be distant from people and to you and harold. this is so hard for me to say i really can't tell you this directly because am afraid of the out come. now i dunno if i will still sound selfish or you dont want to go to my graduation am fine with that. but my explaination was in general to the many things that i felt and dealt by push to limiting people in my life and be indepedent completely. lets get first thing straight i didnt not want to cut off so soon just in future time but i was dealing alot during. you see.. how can i say this its hard to come out with something like this but the friendship i have with you and harold is a wonderful thing to me sorta even though your doing alot more then he does. but your getting close which is not a bad thing but it makes it hard for me to control any type of feeling. And well you see sigh( am going to regret this so much) but when i hang with you and harold i get this tugging emotion and its very pain staking to me i love hanging with you guy but some reason its like .. how can i say this...its like i dunno(i knw u hate this word) but its like with you guys together i feel i might ruining you guys strong bond or feel out cast but the worse feeling is how it feels like i can't get the best of both world i dunno. Like with you am emotionally attracted and with sigh harold its physical/sexually( its sad because its such a strong urge and i want to but i know i shouldn't) which i never want to admit or acknowlegde. You guys remind me what i wanted and its not something i want to lean towards if i know it may hurt me. I feel pull and it makes it hard for me to think straight or stay calm with you guys but when i hang out with you guys individually my emotions dont come up so i can just enjoy hanging. I really do care for all my friends and family but i get so emotionally involve with everyone that come to lose sight of what i need to do. I feel the only way i can live life is to cut off things that are close for a short period until i feel am in the free zone. Am always grateful for what people do for me but if i feel that my memories and emotions come to play i may not live with my self as i should. Its like with my mom her words gets to me because she the one who i spent most of my life with. if you think back i warn everyone from the beginning and i did warn you many times when you get involve with me both as a bf or as friend. You wonder why i can be camie from even though she keep to her self. because i never have to worry about her and she doesnt for me so it leave no weight in our friendship. We ignore each other problems unless we ask i mean you think its the same with you and me but its kinda different. The reason why camie dont know much of the things i tell her is so we can enjoy being friends and not worry about trivial things or emotions that would effect or hold us down were close just as we are distant. With you am opening up everything and its scares me and i have no control that i did. no offense but it just reminds me what i did in the past and am afriad my problem is beinginng to employ ppl. Plus when i said all those things to you, you know i was in a angry and depressing state( i regret that i kept talked to you i guess what was on my mind). I ...kinda felt better that you were angry at me it made it easy for me and i didnt feel hurt cause i know i caused it as i thought. am hurting alot not only from my mom but still from you and harold and others. you didnt do anything wrong to but you do pull some of my emotions out and cause me to feel i can't have things that are out of boundry for me. I guess the best thing for me is to be left alone until i can control my weakness. I can't go in to a relationship because i know i wont love who ever fully cause of the dumb things i do or the wants that would be out of who ever level. jeez.. i wrote to much well what over, i dont want show this to harold i dont want to create any complex or complicated situation or have him think that am still not completely over him. What did i do? i really can't be a friend to anyone. well the general explanation is on my blog the post below this. Am just a girl who can't have the good life unless i had the worse first

I am like that girl from that hentai from beginning to end of the series am either troublesome or indecisive at mentality. P.s. I wrote this letter 3 different times trying to figure out how to say but i can't my words always be a puzzle and i apologies to anyone i push to make them understand in could you know who even though i still think you don't. Oh and to anyone If i open up to you completely or Fully it means a sign that i would end up hurting you it best to keep distance from me sometimes getting close is a addiction for me!

Green me Complex :(

Living the life of a monster

All i can say is i know it and its getting closer. Despite all the positive i do in life and the good that i can do. i know really am just becoming like the person i began to hate the most. I can never make the right choice and i know i just keep digging my grave. At least i'll make it so that no one else fall in it. i live a sad life that i dwell in, i try to do another approach but it falls apart. my emotions is a tug of war between family, love and friends. i cant balance and my memories can only replay what hurt me the most. i'll try to be strong but thats all i can do. i can only push those away that i know is hurting me and those that i would. Anger? it spreads to those close by and manifest to those who get involve. Its not something that can be control easily. I can apologies to those who i hurt but it wont remove the scar. I stop believing in life dreams because thats when it goes opposite. As much i deny her words is what gets to me. i do believe that in the negative i get my positive. But when it comes to people i warn them from the beginning not because i know it happens or its maybe but because i see and feel it happen but when i get drawn in to that joy of course its a lesson learn not good can happen if u dont have the worst. The more i hope the more i get disappointed. All i can do is to cut away the positive and make my self to be hard so i may not give or take pain. When i was a isolated child i had got what i wanted, i had no worries or emotional confusion and i was able to stick on a path with no ties of stopping me. But when i got close to people it was a addiction integrated by isolation. i notice slowly i parted people or cause then to go against. i guess secretly i was vile and didnt understand it. When i get open i can't control it i pour everything about me and i can't have that. me being open is to never employ but it still end ups that way with everyone close to me. Thats what i enjoyed about came though were really close we disconnect the things we feel maybe harm to us. Though it seem were heartless it out the safety of anyone. Its just natural for us to push people away or accidental abuse those close. i bring people together in hopes of loving more but its more then what i thought i can handel i was just happy to have one friend until she betray me so i thought maybe i should have more but i only made it worst by that because i end up being pull directional its like i dont know what i want so i let them tell to do. as much as i dislike my mom I admire her hardness to push all out and keep things together but i guess thats why she does it maybe because of what am doing that she did. who knows but right not i have the strong feeling of being a loner i'll keep ppl but for those who dont make me feel am getting to close.

Thats it Green me Black.

MY DAY....

I had a wonderful day with my brothers and sisters and niece and nephew. We ate at ollies resturant and enjoyed our time till depature.
(update soon kinda angry to write)

Emotions, Recaps and Life Events

Well lets see i feel stress i didnt get in brooklyn college and have to go through a process of BMCC for a year and transfer to brooklyn college. I guess having to be pushed and expect made me for get the "what if" factor. Let's just hope i can do this. Support Please!!!

Am Conflicting emotionally on how much i should open up to a close friend. Though am opening up a step at a time i still feel that am not getting the same in return. I want to be fully open and i want to know alot but sometimes am not sure anymore. Am i doing it again and opening up to a stone. sometimes i feel they just want to hear the dark side and the light side is just for show ...i need to stop thinking.Maybe i should question? my trust if i feel its lost to that person. P.s. Really how open should i be?

There been love(s) flying in the air and i don't feel i should be part of it(s). There to much problems and expectations to deal with. the dating scene(s) is still something thats distant to me.

I've defeated depression now all i need to do is "manage Stress".

I have sorta a plan future but am scared if i can really live up to it. Push me people!!!

I learn I have some really awesome friends but i need to still take some things in to consideration. And watch what to listen and say.

I learn to be more direct to a person then saying to the side. I mean how can you know the truth if you don't ask?.

I lost a friend due to the fact that she see's me as a threat in her relationship and i can never see why. I mean am not a home wrecker but i guess i can't have my bro to support me if his wife hates me.

I have a friend in danger. He's been receiving death threats and got jump a day before. He's been afraid to go to school and not really much can be done he said.

I think i turn my daughter Evil lol...just IM me on aim(cekococo) if you want to see why.

My best friend is having low self esteem but am willing to do anything to push her to the top. I just wish she could stop envying me and being jealous i see no point in that.

Even though my mom is backing off me i know i need to keep my guard up.

My bedroom ceiling is leaking again and still has a hole from the first time it leak which was 3 months ago -.-.

I love that i get to talk to my Sisters , Brothers and niece and nephew. I learn something new and a stronger bond. I feel my puzzle has found its "peace".

Graduation is coming up and so is anxiety.

I realize i had stop coming to counselling but i dunno i feel more to tell less then more.

I lost alot of weight yay went form a 149 to a 130 but i also see i haven't really been eating well since and its difficult to eat now :(.

I realize I have a passion to Be actively and when it comes to physically fighting am stubborn and Very strong will to get what i want physically. so what i learn is if am being strong i can feel strong that leads to me thinking strong :)now i just need to figure how to do it separately.

Lately I've been feeling scared but i don't know what , all i know is its something big!. Something tugging at me. Sigh only times will tell and i hope am prepare for it.

I still hate the fact that i can't have what i want or enjoy much of. Sucks XP

Bullet humminton died in the line of duty so R.I.P (inside thing sorta joke)

I've been having way to much time to myself. Its quite boring and stressing not to have my mind occupy and hanging with people i love.

My old fear is coming back and cause me to do set backs. Oh boy!

I took a quiz on face book which got me piss off but was completely true lol.
Here's the results for the guy i fall - The Jerk - For some reason you love a boy who mistreats you, you love a bad boy! You think it's sexy when all the women want him, but only you can get him. You don't mind his jerk-like qualities because he makes up for it here and there by being the sexy beast that he is.

Out of all my friends am the only one that got that T.T and looking back at past relationships its true.

Sometimes i feel like I don't know what i want or giving up.

i have a passion to realize my Aggression through marital arts lol Man beater title might come up again lol shhhhh.

I think am being to Sexually open and maybe i should hold back depending on the people lol but i guess its the jokes that counts lol.

I had a amazing prom i felt out of my box i hope to do something like that again or hang with a bunch people i don't know well at some weird location. But then i kinda hated my prom i end up thing of something's that i shouldn't and shed a some tears life is not the same if your gonna think back sigh.

Lately I've been Enjoying the Xbox Parties i have invaded my home its been bring alot of people to my home and create company which i need for my lonely self.

I have a friend who now caged her self and now i see that to have problems having and a relationship is not the best thing. She kinda gets me upset cause its like am helping you but your making excuses and creating set backs. And camile is at wits end with it.

Last but not least I've been Glad to met some Amazing people in my life. Thank god for Pms dude. :)

My new song is panic Attack by dream theater and Beautiful Lie by 30 seconds to mars :)

Now its My track to my dream life yay

P.s. I forgot i feel like am wearing different faces i dunno it makes me feel uncomfortable lately.

Ambit - Join and Save

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Wanna see my prom pics ?

Check out my FaceBook or Myspace im, text, call or e-mail me to get the info to see them.

Hey guess who's back!

Well i have two do later post but there will a quick recap on these past few weeks.

Freaky Zodiac Signs

O.o on request for a friend- am still shock for reading my sign am i a crazy bed type O.O? hmmmmm questions i will explore one day lol.


Something I would like to share
Aries Man -- The One --> The sign of Sexual Being
Aries Woman -- The Original --> The Sign of Sexual Identity
Taurus Man -- The Idol --> The Sign of Sexual Desire
Taurus Woman -- The Ideal --> The Sign of Sexual Response
Gemini Man -- The Goodfellow --> The Sign of Sexual Stimulation
Gemini Woman -- The Gift --> The Sign of Sexual Provocation
Cancer Man -- The Player --> The Sign of Sexual Potential
Cancer Woman -- The Pearl --> The Sign of Sexual Deliverance
Leo Man -- The Natural --> The Sign of Sexual Prowess
Leo Woman -- The Knockout --> The Sign of Sexual Expression
Virgo Man -- The Vehicle --> The Sign of Sexual Discrimination
Virgo Woman -- The Vessel --> The Sign of Sexual Conduct
Libra Man -- The Character --> The Sign of Sexual Talent
Libra Woman -- The Charm --> The Sign of Sexual Equality
Scorpio Man -- The Stranger --> The Sign of Sexual Obsession
Scorpio Woman -- The Specimen --> The Sign of Sexual Transformation
Sagittarius Man -- The Maverick --> The Sign of Sexual Ecstasy
Sagittarius Woman -- The Maven --> The Sign of Sexual Splendor
Capricorn Man -- The Stickler --> The Sign of Sexual Decadence
Capricorn Woman -- The Sleeper --> The Sign of Sexual Restraint
Aquarius Man -- The Visitor --> The Sign of Sexual Evolution
Aquarius Woman -- The Vision --> The Sign of Sexual Revelation
Pisces Man -- The Drifter --> The Sign of Sexual Sacrifice
Pisces Woman -- The Dream --> The Sign of Sexual Asylum

When am out.. am living to my fullest,
and when i love..... i will no longer hold on to my dark secrets

and when i think..... its all about me and my dream ,
and when i speak.... its me and my Green power to fight back
and when i seek......its mine alone to fine, i choose who i want to share it with
am going to do it my way like you never seeen
You'll see my change the better to me