My story

Words Can not complete how i feel the emotions and thoughts conjured together. Internally i feels like my days are number and Externally am pushing my self to a limit. Right now am full with anger, hatred, sadness and defeated. I want to coil in to a ball and sit in a corner and just thinking how long can I last. Have you ever felt the pain and augish to know that your useless and have your mother say she has no faith in you and your a failure to her eyes. Would you believe how i can't hate a person but fill with rage still not to hope wrongful of them. I put my self out there and now i coward in to a room. To have your troubles and emotions tested and denied by someone can drain you and make you feel low. I feel so desperate to get out but i keep choosing to stay in. Just like a couple in a domestic abuse. You love that person so much, that you'll do anything for them even if they took your last breath. The person that you love so much feeling like there the only one carrying weight on there shoulders, blaming you for everything and then attack you with your defaults and failures. Crushing you with there words. They might not physically hurt you anymore but they learn to use there words to cut you. Each argument you defend your self but in the end they will keep cutting you until your striped of your pride and worth. Your body and soul aches for sympathy but nothing is shown. You cry and internally bleed out what left you have. And you can't call on no one because they can't understand, There not in your shoes, They were not there , they have not seen or even hear. How is it am still here the girl in despair. And then when everything blows over , nothing has happen life becomes good but the negative out weights the positive. And the the bomb is ticking for the next explosion. Do you know when your heart has become cold and solid ? Its when you can't trust no one not even your friends or dear. You only feel like you the only person in the world and slowly you disconnect your self from those who are near. It means nothing to you now that they extend a hand towards you. Because that same hand can be full of broken glass just ready to cut you like the one you knew. there's is no buddy or no even your self can be trusted or loved. I remember a friend ask me "what does love mean to you?" and immediately i reply with out a thought or conscious i said " I have no meaning for IT cause I don't trust it" with out think i felt bad cause i tainted something that she was witnessing for her first time. Since then i haven't look back or even thought of it. But now i see why, now i think of why its so hard for me, because my heart is stony. When ever i do my religous practice i got to my bible and read this verse Ezekiel 36 v-26 "A new heart also will i give you, and a new spirit will i put within you, and I i will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and i will give you an heart of flesh". I pray everyday for it hoping to see things differently. But...hoping for so long that something good would come out of this dark world smiling starts to feel like your a blank canvas with no colors and no on will paint you. I can't keep lying to my self I still want to live and convince myself why I should be alive and that this is just a begining. I just can't. Iv'e seen the ugly in everyone despite seeing only postive in them I can't feel but to hold back but lie that they don't scare me and am not bother by there ugly truth. That they are beautiful in my eyes and am completely open my self to them. There is no good that I can cover of the bad. Right now all I can think is the same lie to my self " I need to move out next year and live peacefully and stress free".