Most relatable quote's i've ever read

"A friend told me that I wear my heart on my sleeve and people are always putting pins in it...."

"I think it is because we are intense people and that is how we define love is by intensity. We try to give all of ourselves in one way or another. In fact we are not actually living in reality we are living in our imaginations and what we define as love. I fall easy but it is hard for me to stay that way cause soon as something happens not in favor of the relationship it is almost as if I awake out of a daze and than it is hard for me to duplicate the feelings and / or the passion that I once had. It's like a drug. I want it. I need it and love it when I have it but for some reason it takes a hold of me and than it scares me."

we are the best to find but the hardest to keep. thats our nature. we give everything too quick and most of the times we just crushed and burned. i've hurt many times but i tell u what. as long as i'm alive i will keep making the same mistake cause i realise that life is meaningless with out LOVE"

Our problem is sometimes we cannot make our mind regarding relationships with people. We can easily make a very deep and strong link with someone, but then drop it quicker. It is easy for us for being such elusive beings, but not that much for others... leaving them hurting. this is done of couse unintentionally, in the deepest of our beings we are not mean to hurt anybody, but neither of us is a perfect being..."

"i think we are often misunderstood and sometimes our complexity comes across as suspicious and then people project their own dodgy thoughts onto us because we are so receptive"

I do have the same intamecy issue though & it has bothered me throughout my whole ife! especially in love relationships,guys who tries to get close to me ...are always surprised by the strenght of my refusal to get close.I do get close whenever I feel like it! I had lots of doubts & fears in a stage of my life bec I was betrayed & abused from this guy i was in love with.It hurt me so bad & obviously it has affected me in a big way.in how I deal with others & in how I see them,I'm trying to get out of this now but it's just like I fear whenever I take off my sheltering shield I' de be abandoned & hurt again :S I don't believe others! I DON'T & if being a Pisces was about believing then I guess am a very sad fish =((
I still want to believe though I keep saying that hope is not gone ,but it's just..I don't feel anything at all ='(
I couldn't agree more with everything wirtten here
as with friends I need a long time to trust them,to get close to them,always have this social barrier though I love to laugh & have a good time."

Advice from pisces ?

LoveLife Says:
November 9th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
I adore the women that proclaimed she finds it difficult to meet someone who will understand her overly emotional state whilst explaining the physics of cupcakes. That is me. We are beautiful kind loyal people. I am also single, however I know my chosen hubby is coming. Fellow pisces I offer this advice LEARN the UNIVERSAL LAW of dettachment. we love so dearly we attach ourselves so strongly. Wen we dettach we actually bring what it is we desire closer to us. It’s a Law of Nature. And one I am learning at the moment. My rising sun is Aries so I’m v stubborn, av a sharp tounge wen angry, love positive energy around me an I’m v driven, ambitious. Think many picses are the same. Most of all I love our QUIRKY WAYS it’s a gift from God, who would want to be like the Druids around us? NOT ME! That’s for sure. Thank God I’m a picses. Lots of love and light to you all x x x x x x x x x x x. X



Read more: Pisces In Love 2009

My horoscope to day

Sometimes luck is a long, slow process. A little here; a little there. Pretty soon you realize you've gotten quite lucky without noticing. That's what's happening now in your world. A lot of little things are going right for you. So instead of keeping track of all of your misfortunes, try making a list of all that's going well. That way you can watch as good luck takes over and your world gets brighter and brighter. Cast your spell on a difficult associate. You both want the same thing, but you're getting caught up in words instead of getting to the heart of the matter.

What would you say

What would you say if I say save me?
Or how will you feel if I wanted to run?

Will you use all your might and hold me or
Hold your self back and watch me fall to my demise?

Ever wonder how I would feel about you each day, hours or seconds?

Would you ever think that I would dream about you, hold my pillow closer and wishing it was real?

What gave you the choice to cage my happiness , and make me forget it never happen?

How is it with each song, each tempo with every lyric that I breath in the music voice and its stories? , finding some relation and each epiphany.

Is it insane for me to day dream my care-free happiness to life and live in a non reality?

Can I really place my decaying whole with lies to live a bit longer at each passing momment or like others replace it with someone brand new execpt I can't seem to find anyone to fit it.

What's so wrong that I gave up everything in the past and can't seem to return to my shell for safety.

Why is it my body wants to serve when my mind wants it return?

What sign am I looking for? I seek redemption and to end my sad cycle.

In my mind the angels flew looking for the someone to clip their wings and bring a hamorizing feeling in their heart but not all can achieve it. Some lost there wings and even with out the harmony they kept looking and with no way to return there wings , they kept searching.

Welcome to my universe the crazy world that only exist with me.

That resides inside my mind and all my dreams

Look how happy and strong as i be

Feeling wanted

Feeling talented

Feeling free

Am surrounded by hope, my fights are untold

my love is so real, that no one can seal the deal

Am living normal and truth be told i have my share of nightmares too

but they never last long like the real pain i feel

What is your response... wait don't say a word... its not true

am just testing to see what you will say,... none of it. is true

Thanksgiving and Been thinking

Well yesterday was slaughter turkey day and i wish those who call and texts, thank you. Yesterday i went up to new jersey to see my siblings and spend my first thanksgiving with them along with my brother first with his new wife. I enjoy every moment from it. From the cat(Antoinette) waking me up at 4am of here presence, then the busy cleaning( i help clean the front yard and back enjoying the labor) to the huge meal with my family and their friends. But even though i was so happy to be full and celebrating three birthdays that day of course the moment had to be crush when it was time to go home and my mom sending me a text saying it will be my final stay there. But even with my brothers and sisters encourage words that this wont be the end. I can't help but think of my grudging mother pulling me back again.

Today a friend made a joke and said what do you want for Christmas... other then a single bedroom apartment and a job?. In all i laughed and in my mind wish for the same. which brought me on a another convo when someone gave me the advice to act then think on my plans. I realize what stop me from living or doing as i please is my thinking and cautioness that bothers me. I always think of head, and think what to do but never really done it. In high school for the last 2 years of my high school life i was told to enter a teen shelter and go in to counseling. But i could never do it as much as i wanted to, i fear of the many things that would happen once I've gone with it. All it did was remind me of my foster care years and i couldn't live with my self being apart from family and friends. But then i had a huge question from my self; Why am i still living with my mom and stressing out? When i think about am more worry about the condition i'll leave my mom in, then how am living now. I constantly bring my self down with worries and fears that i haven't been giving the positive side a chance. Its like walking the bridge of fate, instead of picturing how i can reach the other end, All i see is me falling or tripping.

My big issue now is how can i see past the negative and look for the positive? What can i do to make my dream a reality with out a nightmare? Am trap in my own cage and am holding the key so what the hell am i waiting for?Whats stopping me from pulling the trigger?

It looks like there's more i need to do, to answer these questions and more to see!

Green Me Blue

Trying to fill that gaping hole

Well I had a good evening with some friends but I couldn't escape the empty feeling I had. I guess I was'nt distracted enough, probably while I acted kinda off today. I try to look like my self but I was just dead doing it, I know they hadn't notice. Only thing that kept me intact was the music. The loud metal and rock that fill my ears and erase my mind. No matter how much I think back on his words I feel so lost!? How can I love my self to the brink of happiness?, how can I fill that gaping whole that devour my stomach and heart? What do I need to do to forget my emotions and live life with out a care in a world?...my friends are getting worry, they been closely monitoring my emotions and physical appearance. I can't seem to stick to the distance I put for my self. I always end up slipping and hurting my self. I want to do so much but yet I feel like i'll end up going extreme. And that's when my worry friends come in. They know what I been thinking but am never the type to act on what I think. I got back some tests and all I felt was more discourage and stressed. I realized I set a impossible goal for my self and drag my self further to hell. I have no inspiration or happy thoughts to go in my head. Is it so wrong to wish to be in the hospital again? I mean I know its a wrong place but I see it as a solitude. I can be in a place where am comfort and can think to my self with out fearing the worst. Am far from everyone and hour and mins phase me in my sleep. I also notice I've been hyperventaling lately, mostly when alone in my room. It takes a short time for me to get it under control because I shut my mind and call a friend. I won't lie am scared that one of these days I won't control it and know one won't know. But I won't let it happen. I learn that I don't trust life or anything else, cause even if am expecting something am always feeling the worst. Honestly said I can't remember my best years or days? Its like I live life in hell and faked happy memories to get by. I also learned I lied to my self because I couldn't handel the truth and by that am only hurting my self even more. I don't know my self anymore. Well its 3:45 am and am not tired at all, I spoke to a old friend I was glad he was doing better to say the least but I couldn't help but feel like am hiding something or protecting my self by the way I talked to him( like choosing my words wisely)...well hopefully i find a way to heal.

Green me Lost

Vampire reunion

Am going to try , for some reason my body wont give up as my mind did

Am going to keep trying. Its funny but as much as i say or think i want to give up or run away. I just can't seem to do it. As much as i cry about my problems or break down, am still standing. Even it am unhappy and stressed , Am still living. When am feeling alone , I know there people who care.

I know i will still complain and be unhappy with life offering now, but i dunno as painful as things are. I have hope that something good will come out of it what ever it is. Am just praying for any luck or good to happen. I need some strength or motivation/ or support to keep living life.

I want to keep learning and abosrb but to get to my goals i will need some time and pressure. This cry baby will keep trying even if it kills her slowly. I need to find that happiness again or spark that i once had.

I will try to do art again, give back to the community, play the violin, train my body and write my mind in to a ryhtmic message to the world. I will try to bring out the green beast that i once hold dearly before.

i maybe sad but i haven't giving up yet.

Green Me Hope

Russian Roulette in my Room -Song lyrics and my poems of today

Had another fight with my mom 3 times to day am so depressed!

Russian Roulette - Rihanna

Take a breath, take it deep
Calm yourself, he says to me
If you play, you play for keeps
Take a gun, and count to three
I’m sweating now, moving slow
No time to think, my turn to go

[Chorus -- JustJared.com]
And you can see my heart beating
You can see it through my chest
And I’m terrified but I’m not leaving
Know that I must must pass this test
So just pull the trigger

Say a prayer to yourself
He says close your eyes
Sometimes it helps
And then I get a scary thought
That he’s here means he’s never lost

(Chorus)

As my life flashes before my eyes
I’m wondering will I ever see another sunrise?
So many won’t get the chance to say goodbye
But it’s too late too pick up the value of my life

And you can see my heart beating
You can see it through my chest
And I’m terrified but I’m not leaving
Know that I must pass this test
So just pull the trigger



- my poem
thats the song lyrics,
playing over and over in my head,
tears are streaming no one to go
feeling the cold alone,
huddle in bed closing my eyes,
listening to this sweet lullaby,
lock in my room and as the sounds fill my room,
is how i get by,
my phone is dead, my laptop is black,
nothing for me to communicate,
today a event is held,
am still trap in this jailed,
thinking of how,
no one is there just make the pain
more unbearable,
thoughts in my head,
drill in the lyrics... i rather not say,
footstep cross my bed room door with hurting words,
i put the blanket over me,
and picture me in someone arms,
i cried harder with out speaking,
dreadful feelings, tearing hearts,
a hollow inside is build,
still so cold , with the bedroom close
the boiler banging, and the blanket over,
no one here its just me, just like those years
not a solid food has touch me today,
not a calming voice to heal my head,
reminded guilts and coward mind is all i have in this bed,
As the song is near to end... " just pull the trigger"
My eyes close in to a slumber sleep, the darkness erase time
and the abyss float me away with out tears.



Green me sad!

The hard facts hurts the most

Last night i was speaking with a dear friend who like a brother to me. before i called him all i was doing was crying as i clean up the house, the only comfort i got was my cat giving me company. and i was feeling so sad.

so i thought to might self maybe i should called him and asking him why am i feeling like this. its weird but he's the only person that knows me well and reads me like a book. so on the phone at 12 in in the morning i ask him one question. "why am i so unhappy?" and his reply was " because you don't love your self and all you ever wanted was someone to love the part that you don't" and i thought to my self that can't be it, in all truth i was in denial with what he said. I told him that "how could i hate my self and still be alive , surely i wouldn't be living?" but again he counter and said" you don't have the guts to do it just like how you can't say no to a guy who you don't like or love you back, you torture your self feeling that you deserve it. you rather have the feeling of being used then ignored" i started to tear up in disbelief with his answer , it just couldn't be true. then he said" if i think about it know; you can't stand being by your self and you always look down on your self" and i said " well i got low self -esteem but i do work on it and with my child hood and all its a bad habit. But you don't get that i want companionship, i want some one to love for my own and get the affections that i once had" and again he counter " if you have love your self then companionship would be a big deal to you, you can love your self and that will be it, and i will remind you your last relationship was not real love cause you only love someone who couldn't love you back, all you end up is loving people who want to use you or talk down to you and you can't ask for affection with out knowing what it is, until you can love your self first then you can be happy and look for the person who can love you as much as you want" and i cried at everything being said so much things he told me later it had me shaken up but i guess it was real.

I wasn't sad be cause i don't have anyone to love or cause am lonely but because am desperate to have something to make me feel good and distracted my self from me, am unhappy because am unhappy with my self and i need to change that!, hopefully only that will help me to trust my judgments and find someone who can show me a real relationship :/.
later guys peace- green me

Feeling like new moon- what else should i do?

But what if this hole never got any better? If the raw edges never healed? If the damage was
permanent and irreversible? taken from new moon chapter 5... ugh i feel so horrible. a Scorn women is a broken glass; you cant paste the glass together if the pieces keeps breaking or smaller pieces are lost leaving gaps. you can replace the pain or fill that whole with a blanket but you can never hid the truth or forget it.trying to stay strong when my emotions try to break me down...another note saw the movie kung fu cyborg and chocalate for the 7th time, only good thing is forgetting my self and how i felt. also for the past two months my weight have drop fast leaving me to wear size 0 skirts. I've been eating twix twice a day(comfort food) its the oonly candy that makes me feel like crap but forget my worries a bit and feel a bit better. oh and let me share with you a convo:



Chry________ 1:42 am
...um why
cekococo 1:42 am
huh?
Chrys_______ 1:43 am
why are u sad
cekococo 1:45 am
saw a movie it was suppose i guess comdey but it turn out to be a romance movie and i got sad then i was like ill listen to music but it was sorta a love song so i got depress, and last i thought i look at live stream of which i regret
Chry________ 1:46 am
Shaniqua....Stop (this kinda made me feel ensure)
cekococo 1:46 am
?
cekococo 1:47 am
speak your mind
Chry________5 1:48 am
Stop being so depressed!
You being depressed i getti me Depressed but i wont let it happen so i just end up gettin mad
cekococo 1:48 am
am sorry
its just so hard that am hurting so much and i struggle to keep things together
cekococo 1:50 am
i try hard to put up a smile or atleast show some strength but there always something to remind me or hurt me . am sry chyrstal i dont want you depress
i leave you alone tonite and talk to you later
Chry________ 1:55 am
No its fine i just dont like seein u likethis
u cant do something this week that makes hapy?
cekococo 1:57 am
i dunno, mostly likely my mom wont let me leave the house to go anywhere but school and i guess just some homework to catch on. my games are hidden from.
cekococo 2:06 am
amma go look at vash i need to keep my mind distracted
Chry________ 2:09 am alright

sometimes i wish i could talk to him, to have him make me laugh or forget my worries and show hes hear but i keep the line invisible carefully not to touch the clear thread that i know would lead to my broken glass...

green me

Blogspot is connected with facebook

well a friend showed me how to connect my blog to facebook and now my post is shared on the two sites...i don't think thats suppose to make me any better but tis what ever. today i had some supportive friends drag me out the house to give me a lil social time. there kinda worried about my health thou. and i want to wish jin father and will a happy birthday along with celena twin friends. among other news if you read beginning to middle of new moon you'll understand how annoyingly i feel like the main character bella smh that am compare to her!.

What going on now?

-still no social life,
-aunt hid my ps2 and xbox360,
-been mostly locked up in my house,
-havent been eating much or healthy,
-been kinda depress and emotionally disturbed but am not showing that,
-and some scars from what my cat left on me( am the only person in the house who gets bite and scratch from her smh,
-still somewhat broke but am working out a plan thou,
-was wih held from going to my brother birthday :(
-been withdrawn from people lately(you could say am afriad to hang with both males and female,
-i dont trust my self as much but i do tell my self that i could keep trying( i dont wnat to feel weak or helpless i want to do something about it( but i got no motivation),
-still trying in school but not so hopefull since i end up stressed when fall asleep in class and miss the lecture
-as to the internet life just games and rping when i can

social life 0 school life 1 getting finical aid is not so far

Just as the title says it. Lately I've been anti social not because I want to but because I had to. Have to go to college takes more time out then doing your chores and by that am getting a lil social time. Also am doing very well in maths which am very proud to say but horrible in speech, my first demonstrative speech was terrible and I never want to remember it again!. As on finical aid my mom is planing to put some one on her tax so am happy so this me I can't can get finical aid and pay for college! Yay on other notes since I got my VCH piercing I been more happy and calmer. My cravings have dwindle and I've been satifed with some moments :).



Green succubus me