My poem of ME, MYSELF,and I

i realize my self more and more but my negativity has control
Won't you come and save me from this hold
Or should i be strong and not listen to whats told
Can i denied what i feel or grasp my self and deal
Who's the blame or what i did
I say sorry 2,345 times a month
But its not enough, never the amount
My childhood was a lie
so i kept it hidden and felt to die
My words is all i got left to make me be free
from whats not left or of my dignity
But when its not heard and it wrong to others
I hide my voice and took the pain among another s
My eyes are for me to see
but i want to share that sight to be
My tears are stories for me,
a reminder of what happen to me
something i wish you'll feel
to keep this burden off me
What i hear i don't believe
My thoughts unclear and can be mean
My dear mother who i adore
Has scar me well and scorn me more
Has taught me to never trust or go close with whats stored
And i follow those principles with out a thought
Those i know aren't who i trust
they are just uses to make my self laugh
or use to make me feed off
I would put on a positive look so fool but my face say's another look
My secrets aren't a toy
my pasts aren't to employ
Who am i if i can't see
am i this, them, others or her
Can't i just be me?
To be honest i don't know me so i feel weak
Up until now no one ask
How do you feel or what do you mean?
To pull me out or see my facts
When you don't am attack
I have to say my words to get those out
I must not be heard to be question out
i guess am selfish to hide my problems and feel happy with another
I hate it when people try to me problem free is easy
well its not it harder then you thinkand it cause me to disbelif
because i tried it and you don't see
I'll make it but not in a breaze
i remember how am always lie or kept at bay with no signs
no one tells me what been going on?
i want to know , i feel alone
i guess i deserve to be ignore
i shouldn't know it not my place
i couldn't have know , you didn't say
what is strength, respect, or choice
i think i lost that to feel close
I think i never had it or maybe i sacrifice it
did you know i torture myself to feel it belong or hid my pain
did you know i lie and hold regrets to protect you and others from pain
or stains
do you know i pity my self more then others
am sad in so many ways its sickens me till rest
I carry a burden, if i share it with other
i must release my self from them for they say something that would hurt
I had men touch me cause i felt maybe they need to, even when i didn't want
i would later feel ashamed and call it my fault since it is what i allowed
i would get puzzles and you lies to fix, i would be misunderstood when i don't speak or heard its what you think
Did you know that happiness gets taken away from me or its un-touch for me
I had people to run from me, stuff destroy, things stolen, or more pain to endure
i would save it in my memory and cherish it with my life , i mustn't forget or i will lose this fight and plan to die
And tell my self there no happainess there
Guilt carries me and i hold it in , it would slip out easily and hurt those near
I don't want to give everything and i shouldn't feel need to
My memories are good for back then but not for now
i use to outcast my self and felt it was best
but when am with others i felt so great
and later they will forget me and am left with pain
to be replace or ignore to vain
I won't take on abuse, I won't allow control, I won't destroy my self with every blow, i won't hide how i feel and not keep it real.
well that's no more and it shouldn't be i will try again and make things mean to me
Fear control me i can't control it but i know i can walk another way even when it haunts me to death.