Brutailty Truth

LAST night i was talking to a friend and well i gave him my mind and how i feel now he wasn't to happy with it so was I but here it is.()* are opinion or thought that i couldn't say.

-I was Crying on the bus yesterday and i told myself am a idiot because this i what i wanted to avoid since middle school and my first relationship- Shaniqua adams

Cekococo (11:57:46 PM): and i ned to put my thinking out cuz its not helping my mood
__________ (11:57:55 PM): aww
__________ (11:58:03 PM): how can i help
Cekococo (11:58:56 PM): its cool its beyond any one help
__________ (11:59:10 PM): I wont settle that for a answer
__________ (11:59:20 PM): I am a God I can do anything

__________ (11:59:25 PM): so what do you need
Cekococo (11:59:52 PM): its fine let it go( i just wish he'd let it go its a wast trying to help something that's internal and mentally)
__________ (12:00:48 AM): how can I
__________ (12:00:53 AM): your so un happy
__________ (12:01:00 AM): i want to help
__________(12:01:07 AM): why wont you let me
Cekococo (12:01:39 AM): i do but in this process am worry about hurting you or any one else and i feel am just creating a rip by doing so
__________ (12:02:02 AM): i can handel myself
__________ (12:02:08 AM): you cant hurt me
__________ (12:02:15 AM): __________
Cekococo (12:02:21 AM): __________
Cekococo (12:02:30 AM): i felt like i hurt u
Cekococo (12:02:42 AM): and i found my letter to harold to be hurtful
__________ (12:02:59 AM): its ok
Cekococo (12:03:03 AM): i just dont want to be the bad person but it sucks i get punish for doing good
__________ (12:03:10 AM): you did what you had to do
Cekococo (12:03:12 AM): am going to bed
__________ (12:03:15 AM): and I understand that
__________ (12:03:17 AM): ok
Cekococo (12:03:18 AM): thanks
__________ (12:03:27 AM): but remember I got your back ok
Cekococo (12:03:36 AM): ok
__________ (12:03:44 AM): don't feel that you hurt me
__________ (12:03:47 AM): i am good
Cekococo (12:03:51 AM): ok
__________ (12:03:57 AM): i just want you to be as well
Cekococo (12:04:27 AM): jsut so you know i had thoughts and i might not date in for a long time ________________________________________________________________
Cekococo (12:05:09 AM): i think ill put the relationship business to rest it to much emotional shit to go on form beginning to end ( the end is something am not capable of handling no matter how much i had it . Its something i never can let go on and i get double the pain then with in a relationship).
Cekococo (12:05:14 AM): good night
__________ (12:05:32 AM): it not even about that
__________ (12:05:39 AM): if you move on you move on
__________ (12:05:43 AM): if i move on i move on
__________ (12:05:52 AM): doesn't stop me from caring about you
__________ (12:06:00 AM): and wanting you to be happy
Cekococo (12:06:35 AM): thanks but i dont want anyone hurt and i certainly can't do a rollor coaster again
Cekococo (12:06:41 AM): i know that all my rides end (and in the end i get Sick or scared)
__________ (12:06:46 AM): you dont have to
__________(12:07:05 AM): i know you don;t know me that long
__________ (12:07:15 AM): but have some find of trust in me
Cekococo (12:07:48 AM): i do but its i can't go down the same road twice i just cant risk it( i wont date anyone because any way you put it there will be a bitter sweet relationship and i'll get the bitter part )
__________ (12:08:07 AM): you don't have to
__________(12:08:15 AM): I am not harold
__________ (12:08:19 AM): and to make things easier
__________ (12:08:33 AM): we don't have to do anything ever again
__________ (12:08:51 AM): if thats what it takes I have no problem with that
Cekococo (12:08:52 AM): its cool and i knw ur not him ( but how are you so sure you can trust me or see me to hold up my end, i wont be able to do that so i wont give it a try i dunno knw anything anymore or what i want)
Cekococo (12:09:03 AM): but i see things now that every beginning has to have a end
Cekococo (12:09:19 AM): and i dont want to face that end
Cekococo (12:09:28 AM): i just can't risk it
Cekococo (12:09:44 AM): i bleed my heart out to much and sowing it back hurts even more
__________ (12:10:04 AM): why are you still hurting
__________ (12:10:18 AM): is it the fact you want to be with someone?( I don't want to be with any one unless i knw i will hurt them and am protecting them from being hurt by me)
__________ (12:10:29 AM): you still have feelings for harold?( yes i do but i hate my self for putting out so much and having a bitter end)
Cekococo (12:12:12 AM): i dunno any more ibeen hurt to much and being in a relationship is just a something i dont want any more i dont want to open up any more i dont want to bleed am tired of it i can't stand having to be heart broken so much and then have the big blow and over and over and other shit ( my problem i dont let go untill i see progress but when its stop i feel at wits end)
Cekococo (12:12:37 AM): i keep believeing shit that it hauts me( promises and dreams from previous relationships haunts me i really do trust and take seriously what any one or my partner would tell me and when its not fullfill i deal with a burden of it being a lie Ex. he told me he would come back to me and i believe it... i was a fool back then blinded by love spells or having the fact that it wont come true hurts even more)
Cekococo (12:12:41 AM): haunts me*
Cekococo (12:12:51 AM): i can't risk anymore( i been taking chances to many times people dont believe me but i have and this is always the result a mistake that pains me eternally)
__________ (12:12:52 AM): its ok
__________ (12:13:04 AM): but dont box ya self in
__________ (12:13:16 AM): you will only make ya self even more unhappy
Cekococo (12:13:17 AM): it was easier that way back then (
__________ (12:13:25 AM): take ya time off
__________ (12:13:30 AM): i feel you on that
__________ (12:13:50 AM): but don't let me or harold stop you from being happy
__________ (12:13:53 AM): trully happy
Cekococo (12:14:54 AM): i was trully( being in a a relationship) happy but every time that happens it get taken away from me(break up) or a road block( my home issues) i can't keep stopping my self for something as meanlngless that will just end up destroying me again( i still stick by it)
__________ (12:15:28 AM): it wont
__________ (12:15:33 AM): you learn from all this (i did but that diddnt stop my emotional pain did it? no)
__________ (12:15:43 AM): you act like you didn't but you did ( i know i did and i learn my mistake by getting to one)
__________ (12:15:55 AM): you are a stronger person because of that (if i was so stronger this wouldnt be a problem)
Cekococo (12:15:59 AM): but i dont want the after affects
Cekococo (12:16:05 AM): its to much for me to handel
__________ (12:16:09 AM): it will happen
__________ (12:16:19 AM): but it will also go away in due times
__________ (12:16:25 AM): so do the time
__________ (12:16:37 AM): and find what trully makes you happy
Cekococo (12:16:49 AM): my due times are long and tormenting am not wasting my time to have another year off becuz of it( or looking for something that doesnt last)
Cekococo (12:17:03 AM): i dont care about trully happy any more
__________ (12:17:12 AM): well i do
__________ (12:17:28 AM): and hopefully you will come back around
__________ (12:17:38 AM): its ok to feel hurt
__________ (12:17:43 AM): everyone does
__________ (12:17:48 AM): its call being human
__________ (12:17:56 AM): i know .it hurt a lot
__________ (12:18:11 AM): but wounds will heal in due time
Cekococo (12:18:13 AM): yea but i dont want i been trying to avoid it for the past 7 yrs and i still get hurt no matte what( when i heal am not going to cut my self again)
__________ (12:18:21 AM): just dont box yourself in
Cekococo (12:18:22 AM): i can't even keep my own promises
Cekococo (12:19:08 AM): to be honest i dont mind if i isolate my self atleast i didnt need to think or worry its better then torturing my self over helpless things
__________ (12:19:27 AM): its not hopeless
__________ (12:19:40 AM): if it was I would have given up long ago
Cekococo (12:20:45 AM): good night you shouldnt waste your time am too stubborn to listen
__________ (12:21:07 AM): its not wasting my time if its for someone I care about
__________ (12:21:18 AM): you been the hero long enough
__________ (12:21:41 AM): you do got sidekicks that got ya back
__________ (12:21:52 AM): your not alone on this
Cekococo (12:22:11 AM): i just can't am sorry
Cekococo (12:22:19 AM): i need to sleep i have church later
__________ (12:22:29 AM): ok but one thing
__________(12:23:27 AM): If you trully want to something in this world you would let no force stop you no matter how painful the journey maybe but also keep this in mind( only problem is the force is itself , no matter how much i wnat to go to i can't have wit i want if it wont do the same)
__________ (12:23:50 AM): you will ALWAYS have friends you will walk that journey with you
__________ (12:23:51 AM): so
__________(12:24:02 AM): please don't give up on yourself
Cekococo (12:24:11 AM): good night
__________ (12:24:16 AM): ....
__________ (12:24:19 AM): good night
__________ (12:24:29 AM): and sweet dreams
Cekococo (12:24:35 AM): i wish i do too

(4 posts ago)I started to hate the ideal of a relationship because i saw it now as a drug of Ecstasy and happiness that is temporary. You become addicted and want more but when the end comes you crash and you fall in the pit of pity, self hate and the ideal of wanting to try new drugs for your benefit and being use. You could say am like that but now i hate the feeling of the end and taking a new drug only made me sick and scared of going back in to that life style of satisfaction and happiness just to be taken away again. I still cry because i realize i can't get that same exact rush and that drug will find a new owner to be addicted to. A Crave i can't ignore. A crave i won't want again. - shaniqua adams
Green Me sadness!!!!