The letter of truth- from a previous posts

Dear Issac,
May 18, 2009

I was writing this letter not to give to you but for myself to finally open up that I never could have. To get things straight am still in love with you and no matter how much I try to denied it never works. I am so hurt from our break up it the most painfully thing I ever felt and to be honest am upset that you never took it in to consideration. I felt that you only had me for just a purpose and not for a relationship. You hurt me the most by this and bring up your new love. I enjoy being your friend but I also hate how you cheerily bring her up and talk about your feelings for her. To be honest it just hurts me even worst that you’re not thinking when you write things like that to your ex. I painfully imagine how she can easily take my place and make you forget everything about me completely erase from your memory as you wanted. I actually do want to like her because I don’t want to be envious, I want to enjoy that she can make you happy then I could never do. It just so hard to communicate to you as a friend because most things I ever talk about is how much I miss you and deeply cut from what you’ve done. I never regret being with you but I surely wish sometimes I didn’t met you. What is it that makes you tick? I just can’t get you sometimes I do believe you don’t know what you want even though you say so but I also feel that you’re playing a game you didn’t know what you put yourself in to. And as for your future relationship I do wish the best but it hurts me to say is am more worrying about the girl then your feelings. I feel she may go through the same thing I did even thought you say you will change for the better. And to have her when she may still being in a healing process will only confuse her heart and create a complex feeling as I once did. Its great you want to be with her but how can you see that you can have a strong relationship when you’ll be leaving soon and to top that how can you give her both physical and emotional support from such a distance, You couldn’t do that me so what make you think you can do that with her. To me the things you said to me to me in the past has greatly haunt me because it what I always wanted and to see I can’t have that happen makes it more difficult to bear because in a way you took away my happiness. What greatly pisses me off is how you decide to change after we broke up it felt like I wasn’t worth trying with and I felt use because of that. And what else bothers me is how you wanted me to go out with one of your best friends. I mean it’s great you want us together but you don’t understand how much more it hurt me, to have him be close to you, how he keeps reminding me of you of his actions and the fact you approve of this. The closer I get to him the more I don’t want to be with him relationship wise and it scares me because it feels like this whole shit is happening again. To be honest only reason am going out with him is the same reason as you to make “him” happy and I like him because you think I like him. I remember the first time I met you I thought you was cool but a year I started to grow in to liking you even though I never met or talk with you. You could say it like how you chase after her for two years. But what does matter to you, you’re so goal forward that you don’t care for what you’re done with. I can understand you don’t want anything to hold you back and that what am doing but this is just too much. You’re living like a train stop after stop and I don’t know what to think any more. I lost so much inspiration that I had with you the poems, drawing, stories, ideas that I once had. Before I would only see green but after meeting you I saw many colors and I became more open and chance taker and i believe everything you said. I am a very sensitive person and the only advice I give to you is to stop rushing and stop thinking of the end of everything. I don’t think I want you back after seeing how you are but I also don’t think I can stop thinking about you. You’re like this string I can’t cut off as if there some meaning or message I missed. To be honest how the way you saw me ( don’t know what I want, complex, challenge) Is the exact way I saw you and it bother me to think that how we have so much in common but yet so opposite at it. When I try to prove to myself that I don’t need you or only you can do this its struggle of what I want and like. It’s like I fell in love with a monster and I want to create one to be like the one I like. I won’t lie breaking up with you have open me up to so much things but it’s also made me deal with the weight alone. Only reason why I hold back when commutation the new you is because am doing the favor of keeping the mental weight off, I don’t want you to feel guilty, I don’t want you to think this is your fault, I don’t want to affect your new life, and certainly I don’t want you to feel that you have to hate me. I know this because I know you’re not mentally fit to hear what I have to say no matter how ready you are. Because I know you can listen but I know you have a fear of believing what you hear. You think that I could get over you after a few weeks well your wrong and I know it will be a long time and when I do forget it will come back somehow. Because though you made me stronger and weaker you made me like you but you just don’t realize it. How much I taken from you and not see it through. I feel like am rushing the things I do and how forward I be that I don’t realize I neglected my feelings of doing so. I feel like were a puzzle we fit and yet we don’t and maybe that’s why it had to end. But I still think that somehow it can completely fit and am not meaning relationship but seeing ourselves. Sigh that why I came upon the conclusion of us being yin and yang, I see it as two lost soul mates and it just pulls me in to see what we are. I feel so much better writing this, to tell you that I felt like our bond was cut and yet I still feel the remaining affects of it. I hope in the future if we cross path that whatever happens happen because from what I know seeing the future only leads you to the opposite path of happiness or life.

Sincerely,
Your weirdo ex, twin/ over thinker who will never see life the same way
Seko
p.s. I know that am a crazy person but your just as insane :P
everyone got use to it.

May 19,2009
P.s. I realize one thing about myself that scares me and that is I don’t do what I want and I let people take advantage of me and also I make people happy thinking it would do the same for me but you know what it doesn’t. I put myself and body for the use for you and others and am just letting it go. Am sorry if you find this letter disturbing. Its just all my life I had people push themselves on me and I never once say no. I don’t know myself because I don’t like it and I try so hard to be like others that am not. Am only changing to what you and your friend want wheter you see it or not.

Green Me Hurt!!!