FML

Stress to the core don't know why but holding it in is not helping.I want to run from everything but tag along some things. Honesty i wonder is my stress is depression or some chronic feeling of feeling low. I realize i cant keep hiding my low feelings. i wonder how long will someone find out that i been hiding my self the truth, how easily fragile i became or how i lost respect for my life and all hope. Am trying to be happy and positive on everything but it just doesn't stand to me since i been feeling Unhappy and disconnected. My regrets grow, Fears taking over and thinking & thoughts break me when everything seems fine. I feel like i can't steer my life anymore its just swerving and crashing. Everything i hope for, only gain disappointments. It makes me feel like i want to crawl back in to my shell. I lost everything i once own to my greatest strength. I have no passion, i lack will power and i feel that i make my problems and draw drama near to me. I don't want to live but neither die. i keep pushing my self despite the horrible things that pull me down. i question my self so much and can't get a answer out. i have so much deep feelings it feel like its either weighting me down or just being a parasite that eats away at me. i keep taking on negative and never do confrontations. i've given up on some of my favorite hobbies just because i lost the love in it. i know longer care for my self or stuff. Now i just keep praying for everything to ease inside and out. My stress feel likes my days is number again like when i end up at the hospital (for hyperventilation / anxiety induce panic attack) over a argument with my mom. that day i wanted nothing more but to died and leave all that has hurt me so much. I even know that obtaining what i want is never achieve. I lost my dream and her world .It doesnt make sense for me to keep forcing my self in a losing battle. I thank and love all my friends that try to help me and those who brought a smile but am just not not pulling through and really i feel that some of my resentment is holding me back. I have turn down 13 guys who interest is to get close to me and love me, 3 said they will wait for me despite my warning and letting them know am not going to go through no mater how long i wait. Am to wreck up in the heart to ever go dating. I haven dated in 5 years i can do it again or even longer. I mean am suppose to let go of the past and move on but i dunno the pain really stayed and scar me it was more then just one person so its a bigger scar then you think. I don't think i can continue with a relationship or find someone who can fill my void. I've been feeling lonely lately more but it's been harder because of things that i miss doing in a relationship , if i can stop remembering my past relationships with only the positive then i wouldnt be affect so much. I feel i can't love anyone or trust-wise i dont want to take a chance again and then end up fleeing when i know i will feel wrong, hurt and ashamed. I commerce the females who can bounce back in to a relationship and shed those old emotions. I want to bounce back but i don't want to go through the cycle and end up hurt. I don't want to know the truth in the end that a guy lost love for me or feels am not enough. Not to mentions ties to other people and knowing that somehow am just a tale. I don't want false hope or any emotions holding me back. So am gonna go solo and push i guess till i think i get what i deserve. Wanting is not achieved so what ever i deserve is what i take in.
I never want to feel used in life but i still end up doing so but i know i wont let it happen , I won't tolerate the things people took advantage of me i can't even if i deserve it in some cruel way. Instead of walk the opposite direction am going to walk through hell's fire and conquer it but really i know i wont make it or hold up long enough. ... on the side note the guys who i block from contacting me am warning you am not looking for love and i know that 4 of you have recently gotten out of a relationship or still in one. Am not getting in to no drama shit i know whats its like to see another men be with another girl and am not a fool to get in to that. For the 2 guys who are my friends and stop trying to get me. I thank you for respecting my feelings and want to ensure that i stay ok. and for the one guy seeking only a physical relationship am not or will ever be interested am not going to wrap my self in such a matter of where i know i can be very emotionally involve not to mention am out of your league so stop contacting me if am ignoring you. ....ok i gotten off topic i'll get back after church.