Sigh... I knew it was coming to me

hey guys its me again i suck on post everyday so I'll do my best to keep up. Its quite hard to tell something publicly and easier to keep it to your self. Well today I've been in a lot of deep thought and gain more problems. I've been sick for two weeks straight so i think i have the flu. so let me start with my troubles, first am still having trouble of leaving my mom because i want to continue to support and care for her no matter how bad my health is which i guess i bad for me to do. next my old friend who's dating her boyfriend who was a friend of my call me up a few times to let me know that am a threat to her relationship and if was my fault our friendship never fully heal. now Mind i say i have long over this problem and i felt that the way she said in the past of how i acted towards her was very incorrect and so i will continue to justify that.

.....On another note my relationship with my boyfriend is near peak and may go to the fall soon. I've begun to realize more about my self and him. I came too see that my hope full future will never be seek. I also learned that now am actually going through that phase where the female in a relationship believe that this guy is the one or what she been looking for. But i know to clearly that this may not be fully possible unless the male is fully and happily committed. we began to realize maybe were not compatible with each other and that we both have are own goals in a relationship. His are to develop and stabilize a relationship till all bridges are broken and that there's control and no knowledge untouched. As for me mines is to maintain a settle relationship and that it remains till a full marriage. I only seek for something once and stay with it i most have a emotional bridge and connect along with assurance and protection involve. It may sound a little to much in the male department or over bearing but its really not because all you have to do is be your self and supportive of my feelings which is the simplest thing I've ever ask and wanted in my life. Because if you don't want to hold my hand when trouble is there then don't bother being the one to watch me rise and fall. I've lately felt a drifting phase with him that i know will come in all relationship and including my past times. Thought i am frighten for the worst i have retain back to my old shell for when the blow come and then I'll tape over any vulnerable spots of the shell. I now believe one my worst fear that we both(he) can no longer hold the end of the rope and then am stricken with what I've dealt with for many years alone and i try my hardest to climb my problems......Maybe that's why i can't leave my mom because i know that in all my problems and feeling alone i can go back to her with out a emotional push. That if anything happens and am alone that i know i have someone i can take care of and support and that she needs me despite the emotional abuse. That maybe my biggest problem that i can't let go of her because i know that when i do let go of her and whoever am with (dating) and ends it I'll fall in to that pit of .........???? space?destruction?shame?rejection?pain?disappear?fear?anger?stress/ depression?loneliness?...no i think the word to describe is lost because then i wont know what to do with myself ; that i can't defend for my self or no one because who there that needs me? and how can i support and care for them. I feel like I've taken a role of a mother who lost her child. And when ever i see a child even if it doesn't belong to me i want to take care of it but when someone does that to me then i want to take the role of a child. Equivalent exchange... i want to need someone as i always been needed. But i guess its difficult to put in to terms of a relationship. Maybe i feel my boyfriend is the father figure i lost years ago and he's became this ideal person i long for , but i never given thought to what was his. Recently he's parted with his mother figure but could that have brought a change and perspective of his heart. That power and emotions must be tame along with partners. That a change in to greatness will bring about that fast stairs to a happy life and better future? Maybe that what he seek a women of his level that can keep up to his pace and help him organize his future so they maybe better off in the later future. I know that i can not be that woman because i lag, I fall behind in a race when i start in the front...I hold on to m weakness for comfort. I wonder if he realize that he slowly pushing me away or that when all gaurds are down its not the same person? or maybe that spark....... O.o i think i written to much. Here's me over thinking again let me just shut up.

Green me