Compell with force

My heart been feeling full and yet tremble with the burst of emotions. Its like a pie graph: am 100% me but 45% is love, 5% worry, 20% happy ,15%sad and 5% confuse on how i should feel. I get so confuse with my heart that i tend to go blind with what pull me the most. I can state something unless its a battle between wits and emotions( because am emotional) this side i lean more to. I can feel people emotions and judge on my actions for them but i wonder can i do the same for my self when it comes my turn.

On another note my boyfriend will be going away next year and i feel at complete lost on how i should feel or act. Am i suppose to feel sad and grieve of is missing encounter, that i should go and try to stop him, or maybe am so be the proud of heart that he following something that can help him in life , that can make me happy to see him follow his dream and show a secure future maybe for the both of us?, or am i suppose to be the angry one that he taken a opportunity of his life to do more then i cant go and have that power to be forward in life with out holding back sounds to me like jealousy i guess, or am i suppose to be this lost little girl that remain strong no matter what the circumstance maybe but if i hope and wait and finish with my deeds that he would notice and come back to me? (insert laughter) am such a wreck .. am so good at putting on masks and different faces that i forgotten my true image my true thought to how i feel. i can no longer express my beautiful poems like of my adolescent years in growth or communicate my energy to something that is useful to my work. all am fully capable of doing is standing in front a door and think of consequences while showing that am ready but am really not.

Lately I've been praying to a confuse heart of mine and i still wonder the existence of god.(when i get upset i think oppositely) I believe in him because of my childhood teaching but yet i feel a slight content that will i stay strong. i know religion is such a strong topic and i have respect for all race and there religious rule but i can't help feel that how religion is not all that different but by the bridges we created. Also it reminds me of politics a subject of which i enjoy and can fully engage but little understand. Its amazing to see that something you know little of can be captivating to a mind that dislike laws or rules in which your being govern by a higher power that we given.

And another thing i would like to add is can i be the one to break out a cage i put my self in. I mean people would say yes but then cant tell you how and when you know how why is it so hard to follow with the key. I mean i know what to do and i know what the cage is made of so why do i still remain in it, why is it that i don't take the open door. In all my life i struggle with this problem and yet never address it. sometimes i wonder is that like in my relationship i feel in love with him but i also feel compell that nothing more will be given so i dont do anymore then am suppose to.