My letter to Blackstar Aka aiki letter 6

Well i wont be brodcasting my blog and i know certain people wont look on here so i guess its safe to post it. i ownt send it to the person cause i'll ust end up doing it again some how. And i needed to get this out my head since it kept making me feel sorry for everything i do.

Am going to hate my self in the future for doing this i hate when i feel bad for letting out my opinion. Ok how can i explain this there's a whole reason to why i said i want to be distant from people and to you and harold. this is so hard for me to say i really can't tell you this directly because am afraid of the out come. now i dunno if i will still sound selfish or you dont want to go to my graduation am fine with that. but my explaination was in general to the many things that i felt and dealt by push to limiting people in my life and be indepedent completely. lets get first thing straight i didnt not want to cut off so soon just in future time but i was dealing alot during. you see.. how can i say this its hard to come out with something like this but the friendship i have with you and harold is a wonderful thing to me sorta even though your doing alot more then he does. but your getting close which is not a bad thing but it makes it hard for me to control any type of feeling. And well you see sigh( am going to regret this so much) but when i hang with you and harold i get this tugging emotion and its very pain staking to me i love hanging with you guy but some reason its like .. how can i say this...its like i dunno(i knw u hate this word) but its like with you guys together i feel i might ruining you guys strong bond or feel out cast but the worse feeling is how it feels like i can't get the best of both world i dunno. Like with you am emotionally attracted and with sigh harold its physical/sexually( its sad because its such a strong urge and i want to but i know i shouldn't) which i never want to admit or acknowlegde. You guys remind me what i wanted and its not something i want to lean towards if i know it may hurt me. I feel pull and it makes it hard for me to think straight or stay calm with you guys but when i hang out with you guys individually my emotions dont come up so i can just enjoy hanging. I really do care for all my friends and family but i get so emotionally involve with everyone that come to lose sight of what i need to do. I feel the only way i can live life is to cut off things that are close for a short period until i feel am in the free zone. Am always grateful for what people do for me but if i feel that my memories and emotions come to play i may not live with my self as i should. Its like with my mom her words gets to me because she the one who i spent most of my life with. if you think back i warn everyone from the beginning and i did warn you many times when you get involve with me both as a bf or as friend. You wonder why i can be camie from even though she keep to her self. because i never have to worry about her and she doesnt for me so it leave no weight in our friendship. We ignore each other problems unless we ask i mean you think its the same with you and me but its kinda different. The reason why camie dont know much of the things i tell her is so we can enjoy being friends and not worry about trivial things or emotions that would effect or hold us down were close just as we are distant. With you am opening up everything and its scares me and i have no control that i did. no offense but it just reminds me what i did in the past and am afriad my problem is beinginng to employ ppl. Plus when i said all those things to you, you know i was in a angry and depressing state( i regret that i kept talked to you i guess what was on my mind). I ...kinda felt better that you were angry at me it made it easy for me and i didnt feel hurt cause i know i caused it as i thought. am hurting alot not only from my mom but still from you and harold and others. you didnt do anything wrong to but you do pull some of my emotions out and cause me to feel i can't have things that are out of boundry for me. I guess the best thing for me is to be left alone until i can control my weakness. I can't go in to a relationship because i know i wont love who ever fully cause of the dumb things i do or the wants that would be out of who ever level. jeez.. i wrote to much well what over, i dont want show this to harold i dont want to create any complex or complicated situation or have him think that am still not completely over him. What did i do? i really can't be a friend to anyone. well the general explanation is on my blog the post below this. Am just a girl who can't have the good life unless i had the worse first

I am like that girl from that hentai from beginning to end of the series am either troublesome or indecisive at mentality. P.s. I wrote this letter 3 different times trying to figure out how to say but i can't my words always be a puzzle and i apologies to anyone i push to make them understand in could you know who even though i still think you don't. Oh and to anyone If i open up to you completely or Fully it means a sign that i would end up hurting you it best to keep distance from me sometimes getting close is a addiction for me!

Green me Complex :(