Living the life of a monster

All i can say is i know it and its getting closer. Despite all the positive i do in life and the good that i can do. i know really am just becoming like the person i began to hate the most. I can never make the right choice and i know i just keep digging my grave. At least i'll make it so that no one else fall in it. i live a sad life that i dwell in, i try to do another approach but it falls apart. my emotions is a tug of war between family, love and friends. i cant balance and my memories can only replay what hurt me the most. i'll try to be strong but thats all i can do. i can only push those away that i know is hurting me and those that i would. Anger? it spreads to those close by and manifest to those who get involve. Its not something that can be control easily. I can apologies to those who i hurt but it wont remove the scar. I stop believing in life dreams because thats when it goes opposite. As much i deny her words is what gets to me. i do believe that in the negative i get my positive. But when it comes to people i warn them from the beginning not because i know it happens or its maybe but because i see and feel it happen but when i get drawn in to that joy of course its a lesson learn not good can happen if u dont have the worst. The more i hope the more i get disappointed. All i can do is to cut away the positive and make my self to be hard so i may not give or take pain. When i was a isolated child i had got what i wanted, i had no worries or emotional confusion and i was able to stick on a path with no ties of stopping me. But when i got close to people it was a addiction integrated by isolation. i notice slowly i parted people or cause then to go against. i guess secretly i was vile and didnt understand it. When i get open i can't control it i pour everything about me and i can't have that. me being open is to never employ but it still end ups that way with everyone close to me. Thats what i enjoyed about came though were really close we disconnect the things we feel maybe harm to us. Though it seem were heartless it out the safety of anyone. Its just natural for us to push people away or accidental abuse those close. i bring people together in hopes of loving more but its more then what i thought i can handel i was just happy to have one friend until she betray me so i thought maybe i should have more but i only made it worst by that because i end up being pull directional its like i dont know what i want so i let them tell to do. as much as i dislike my mom I admire her hardness to push all out and keep things together but i guess thats why she does it maybe because of what am doing that she did. who knows but right not i have the strong feeling of being a loner i'll keep ppl but for those who dont make me feel am getting to close.

Thats it Green me Black.