What's there to understand?

Hey guys i know i haven't wrote in a while it just its hard for me to put my thoughts in to words. but i do know one thing. i want to be far, its not that i want to avoid my problems, and believe me i try head it face on but i just don't know how my mind and body can handle the bricks that hit it. I know I can push my self but i just give in to the feeling that running away or masking things to help. i want to make things invisible so i know i wont be able to see them. I see myself in certain people and I try to give them hope but if i know that i cant see that anymore i know that i lost my self. I find stuff about my self and things i know am repeating but.....i just happen to fall back in to it like a comfort zone. oh god i feel like am breaking its i dunno any more then to follow any trail i take. I have strong instincts but i make weak acts. why do i surrender to a whim to keep my self happy? does that me am forcing someone against there will even if its nothing in danger but of my heart?. I see myself, strong,pretty and smart but then i made it a purpose for me to push my self towards that. but other times it feel that i make no effort and i fall of the ladder. I realize the more i hope for the better the worst gets to me first. i try to keep a smile when worst things happen to me and I know deep down my body lies to me, my mind hides things for me to forget and i can put on an actress role to know if i can fake it, i might get through with it but i also know that i can't take it. I have a universal mind i try to think as everyone then my self but i just can't be them. I always told my self just go with the flow or give up.

What is life to me? i don't really care anymore..GREEN ME!!!