What am i doing?, what do i look for? many answers for my self i don't get why find your self if you can create one? won't that give you the power or a gift your proud of doing.? Green me!!!

What's there to understand?

Hey guys i know i haven't wrote in a while it just its hard for me to put my thoughts in to words. but i do know one thing. i want to be far, its not that i want to avoid my problems, and believe me i try head it face on but i just don't know how my mind and body can handle the bricks that hit it. I know I can push my self but i just give in to the feeling that running away or masking things to help. i want to make things invisible so i know i wont be able to see them. I see myself in certain people and I try to give them hope but if i know that i cant see that anymore i know that i lost my self. I find stuff about my self and things i know am repeating but.....i just happen to fall back in to it like a comfort zone. oh god i feel like am breaking its i dunno any more then to follow any trail i take. I have strong instincts but i make weak acts. why do i surrender to a whim to keep my self happy? does that me am forcing someone against there will even if its nothing in danger but of my heart?. I see myself, strong,pretty and smart but then i made it a purpose for me to push my self towards that. but other times it feel that i make no effort and i fall of the ladder. I realize the more i hope for the better the worst gets to me first. i try to keep a smile when worst things happen to me and I know deep down my body lies to me, my mind hides things for me to forget and i can put on an actress role to know if i can fake it, i might get through with it but i also know that i can't take it. I have a universal mind i try to think as everyone then my self but i just can't be them. I always told my self just go with the flow or give up.

What is life to me? i don't really care anymore..GREEN ME!!!

FML Twice

Words in my life could never explain i feel or went through.
Why does it have to be hard to explain to people about my self or to get them to understand. but then you see only yourself can know this feelings so why you cant share it with others. In life obstacles are put out for you to take down but then why cant you go around it? He see's what i go through and kinda gets what am saying but yet he just doesnt get what am coming from or wha am trying to tell him.

In existentialism the answers are beyond death but when i think that what are the answers i yearn for. i try to look past the neagativity or my life but i felt that it pulls me in to place. What is true happiness? he said only when you find your self and true happiness i'll come back to you but that make no sense since in life happiness comes with a price and when that price is given up whats there left then happinss.

am doing an experiment to vent out my toughts online i have but always miss the oppounity to vent or say what i want and could never say it again.