why?

i am just glad my friend was here to cheer me up or else i would of had a sad Christmas. anyway thanks every one for the Christmas wish and messages.

Post secert/ wow 150 posts ^.^

http://www.postsecretcommunity.com/chat/viewtopic.php?p=6479704#6479704

it looks like am just being ignored

There's 4 people who I notice been ignorning me even when I attempted to make contact with them. I can't really say if there ignore me or just busy but it kinds feels like am unwantes for any contact. It hurts a little but I guess its just how it is or to make it easier for them. Ok bye.

I suck why?

Why i suck cause am still holding on to the past and i can't freaking let it go. Whats even more worse is i keep having a dream that i confess and thingss went better again which we all know is bull. Ugh, i dont know why this is lasting so long? am afraid this will go on to long. It feels like am better off single not knowing that i can't love someone. argh! i really want to stuff my self in a closet.

More then anything

More then anything you make me want to give up everything

No amount of words can describe my feelings to you something so vile and unbearable can I be near you.

You make me want to give up college and all that's was plan cause honestly I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't know what to become or do with my life anymore.

I have no common sense because I was taught to only listen, have so much agression inside of me thanks to you I physical hurt those close to me and I have no will power or pride cause you took that away from me.

I know longer have my own will or strength to do anything with my life. I Am just a mere puppet for you to control and let others gain hold of.

I can't be my self and I can't please my self. Its always have to be you first and your restriction.
Do you understand the pain and stress you cause? I have no goals that I've created, no guild or motivation to do anything.
Freedom is just a cost to me.
I could care less what happens to me or where I end up honestly.

All I do is obey orders and see where it leads me to.

I could never do the things I wanted to do cause of me being a let down and burden to you.
Am seen as no more then the child who can't do with what others can.

I have no dream, no wish or goal

Am just standing on a cross road and only going where am told.

I lost everything because of you and gain nothing out of the things you push me to.

I don't amount to the things you want or love am just a gate way to your future happiness. I am also your relief letting your anger and frustration on me.

I have no life if I feel I can't live it.

Constantly you make me feel guilty or useless and it like what ever I do its failure to you.

So why do I even bother, why do I even try? It not like its a battle to have when your just gonna win and rub it down.

Remember those times when I was away from home, in another country, at another house.
Have you wonder why I don't call or bother to check?

Its beacause I don't care what happens to you or how your doing? I never feel home sick or think about you, I don't stress about anything of you cause then I feel its my only times when am truly alive. But when am home constantly I worry about you, having to nurse you every time thinking to my self if you were gone will I still be the same. Be hind your back serectly wishing I was a way or a distant child who live with people that actually care.

I grew tired of your constant whines, complaints and negative comment. It only made me wish I wasn't under your care at all and just run away from it all. You made me see why people look down on me. Cause I put up with you and your abuse. Sometimes you make me wish serectly that I would get adopted if you haven't save me from foster care.

You put up a metal wall between me and those who I love to be around and make me feel worthless to anyone. You use material things for me to stay close to you or prove that you done nothing wrong. I hated the fact that I trap my self making my hole deeper then it is and ignore the advices of those who worry or care about my welfare.

my horoscope from yesterday

Try to keep up with the twists and turns in a friend's recent saga. Not just so you can converse about it and offer assistance or suggestions when asked. The fact is, you may wind up getting wrapped up in this drama in some way. The more you know now, the easier it will be to make things work to your advantage. A secret admirer is really falling under your spell. Although you may not be in the market for romance right now, this is someone you will more fully appreciate in the future.

Today my horoscope

If you're on drama overload right now, exit stage right. There's no need to get worked up about an upcoming event – whether it's an unwanted visit be a relative, or an outing with a group of people you don't really care for, or anything else that is weighing on your mind. Instead of causing yourself inner turmoil by conforming to whatever is expected of you, look at what will be best for everyone in the long run and go with it. End a meeting with a friend on a high note. Don't let negative energy infect a friendship.