>.< i did it again

i'll try and make this post short and not off track from the previous one. Am making a change list, it will be hard to follow but i will do it.

I may be still heart broken but am going to try and live life and look for love when am ready
I want to do my greatest in college and not worry about problems or plans falling apart
If things get tough i wont complain about it anymore even though i know it has to be hard
I will continue to accomplish things physically and build a stronger mindset
i will face my worries and fears but still keep a caution mind
i'll look for my drive the true one not a reason
i will spend each day as if it was my last effort
...will add more later but send suggestions.

No more Rants, No more Hidding, No more Unsure

Last night i celebrated a little to much which lead to this morning headache(Note: i don't usually drink only for special occasions and with small amounts but that night i was alone so i guess i fell a bit off the track) . i still remember some of the things i converse with three friends. And i knew the different responses i'll will get.

The first she help me laugh up but also let me know we'll get out of things and we end with her "It's not the end of the world". One thing i like about her is she knows how a girl can be and she very sweet about, helping me see that its ok and due time i'll get the sweet part of life.

The second friend he's a bit different( he also have a blog that you can check out)he was giving me lame jokes which help me laugh and get off my alcoholic loathing.He reminded me that i should hang life weight and enjoy what i can. And i will definitely try and do that. I no longer want to feel negative when i should enjoy the positive. My emotions are what bring me down and so i will pick my self up and laugh it off.

The third friend he's a highly confident person but a good motivator. He reminded me that i have things going good so why trouble my self about my fears. He told me i need to try more harder and if sacrifices come make it don't cry about it. only issues we could agree on was relationship. (Its hard to explain to someone that are use to having a short relationship that when you had a great-long relationship and then it abruptly ended its never something you can over come. I had my first real relationship and i gave my all, after it crash all there was nothing more then the ever pain of a broken heart and great memories constantly reminding you that you don't have this anymore, you can't do this anymore, there's noone there to treat you like that again or make you want to live life to the funniest with someone. those same things eat away when it comes to my greatest or great progress in my road to my goal. when i thought about his relationships i realize he only done what he said girl problem doing. Having a good person date the jerk. If your reading this i thought about the girls you mention and honestly i don't think any of them was a good girl or put there all in it if it fell short. am not trying to prove that i can't get over but that its a long pain i have to deal with and recovery is a fragile process. you can say i may still love him and i need to get over it. But you won't know how to do so in my place. I constantly tell my heart to forget it and the pain will subside. You don't know how much this one feeling can do to a girl who don't stay on continuous relationships. it took me 5 years of no dating to recollect my self and 1 year to get over the person. to me comeing out of a relationship i had is like how my father left me. I can keep doing what i need to do but i can never get rid of a broken heart pain. It may be my fault for dating a "jerk" but i never saw that and that part i could care less about. But thank you thought for still showing me that i need to prove myself more if i need to get what i want. Oh and you wonder why i doubt so much on my wants never going through its because my want is to be in a relationship just as good as the last and have that affection i yearn for my whole life. getting out the house and jobs are only just steps for me, i'll do them but i know

My brother told me that men are in full control of there emotions because then gone through it enough to dealt with it. I may be in college and looking for a job but that doesnt me i got my game on track. Heart and mind are two different things I can keep my head forward and accomplish things physical but emotionally am unstable and negativity is what i always grew up with but i wont use that as an excuse i'll just try to keep being positive as long as i can.

FML

Stress to the core don't know why but holding it in is not helping.I want to run from everything but tag along some things. Honesty i wonder is my stress is depression or some chronic feeling of feeling low. I realize i cant keep hiding my low feelings. i wonder how long will someone find out that i been hiding my self the truth, how easily fragile i became or how i lost respect for my life and all hope. Am trying to be happy and positive on everything but it just doesn't stand to me since i been feeling Unhappy and disconnected. My regrets grow, Fears taking over and thinking & thoughts break me when everything seems fine. I feel like i can't steer my life anymore its just swerving and crashing. Everything i hope for, only gain disappointments. It makes me feel like i want to crawl back in to my shell. I lost everything i once own to my greatest strength. I have no passion, i lack will power and i feel that i make my problems and draw drama near to me. I don't want to live but neither die. i keep pushing my self despite the horrible things that pull me down. i question my self so much and can't get a answer out. i have so much deep feelings it feel like its either weighting me down or just being a parasite that eats away at me. i keep taking on negative and never do confrontations. i've given up on some of my favorite hobbies just because i lost the love in it. i know longer care for my self or stuff. Now i just keep praying for everything to ease inside and out. My stress feel likes my days is number again like when i end up at the hospital (for hyperventilation / anxiety induce panic attack) over a argument with my mom. that day i wanted nothing more but to died and leave all that has hurt me so much. I even know that obtaining what i want is never achieve. I lost my dream and her world .It doesnt make sense for me to keep forcing my self in a losing battle. I thank and love all my friends that try to help me and those who brought a smile but am just not not pulling through and really i feel that some of my resentment is holding me back. I have turn down 13 guys who interest is to get close to me and love me, 3 said they will wait for me despite my warning and letting them know am not going to go through no mater how long i wait. Am to wreck up in the heart to ever go dating. I haven dated in 5 years i can do it again or even longer. I mean am suppose to let go of the past and move on but i dunno the pain really stayed and scar me it was more then just one person so its a bigger scar then you think. I don't think i can continue with a relationship or find someone who can fill my void. I've been feeling lonely lately more but it's been harder because of things that i miss doing in a relationship , if i can stop remembering my past relationships with only the positive then i wouldnt be affect so much. I feel i can't love anyone or trust-wise i dont want to take a chance again and then end up fleeing when i know i will feel wrong, hurt and ashamed. I commerce the females who can bounce back in to a relationship and shed those old emotions. I want to bounce back but i don't want to go through the cycle and end up hurt. I don't want to know the truth in the end that a guy lost love for me or feels am not enough. Not to mentions ties to other people and knowing that somehow am just a tale. I don't want false hope or any emotions holding me back. So am gonna go solo and push i guess till i think i get what i deserve. Wanting is not achieved so what ever i deserve is what i take in.
I never want to feel used in life but i still end up doing so but i know i wont let it happen , I won't tolerate the things people took advantage of me i can't even if i deserve it in some cruel way. Instead of walk the opposite direction am going to walk through hell's fire and conquer it but really i know i wont make it or hold up long enough. ... on the side note the guys who i block from contacting me am warning you am not looking for love and i know that 4 of you have recently gotten out of a relationship or still in one. Am not getting in to no drama shit i know whats its like to see another men be with another girl and am not a fool to get in to that. For the 2 guys who are my friends and stop trying to get me. I thank you for respecting my feelings and want to ensure that i stay ok. and for the one guy seeking only a physical relationship am not or will ever be interested am not going to wrap my self in such a matter of where i know i can be very emotionally involve not to mention am out of your league so stop contacting me if am ignoring you. ....ok i gotten off topic i'll get back after church.

well.........

One i had a blast today despite being sick. had two friends to cheer me up and give me a good time then i got a gift from one which was a rabbit ;) i named it Grunny( Green + bunny) kadstar Benjamen Jr. (inside joke for those that knew about buzzinton) it was a cool gift for my graduation. I had a long fun day, but i did find out i didnt get accepted to the school i want so yea and i got a lil stress had a empty feeling it hurted a lil but i'll get over it. Well in due time i'll be happy and all my pain , stress, empty and guilt will go away. Pray for me, cheer me up, make me laugh do what ever to have me happy again so i can for get the worst.

A happy beginning A sad ending

Today i had a wonderful graduation if was one of my most tearful events i ever been to. I never though i could cry so much I was both happy and sad but never the less proud. I am so happy that i was able to complete so much in less then 4 years and to be with my wonderful friends in my white gown. Though i had wish some people to be there on my big day i had also known that there were supporting me from when ever i may be. But sorry to say that today at 1pm One of music's founding fathers has passed away so young. Michael Jackson will always be remember through his talent and entertainment to many generations and i hope that we may keep that alive as well. R.I.P M.J.

thank you chyrstal

chrystalmeth____ (11:53:38 PM): Please stay happy cause then i will feel worst and im still crying,Promise that you will put your happiness before your doubts and worries,Smile when u want to frown because then others wil see,have a good memory for tomorrow,have double the fun for both of us,and tho i cant handle being there...pretend i am rooting you on...

i will and thank you for that i promise i'll represent the both of us on that day.

I hate my Music player because it haunts me

Well after i made my new post , i went and check my blog and guess what song was playing? The player played Beautifyl Lie By 30 Seconds to mars at first i was angry but you know what it was right!

Lie awake in bed at night
And think about your life
Do you want to be different?
Try to let go of the truth
The battles of your youth
'Cause this is just a game

[Chorus:]
It's a beautiful lie
It's the perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful it makes me

It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last
Hide behind an empty face
Don't ask too much, just say
'Cause this is just a game

- Our past relationship , our friendship and my feelings were just a big joke for you and your friends. Thank you for reminding that am just a gullible chick who falls and believe in any shit that anyone says or do!.