Happy New Year and Update!

soooo...! its a new year , So happy New year to my Invisible readers and hoping you guys make some great changes this year and i have new experiences to share. For one Currently am having a non-official relationship with someone. I don't know what it is about this guy but he's definitely different. I feel un-attach while getting what i want. For people they would call it friends with benefit but i don't see it to be that or in that category since a lot more is involve. He's magically made me forget all stress and problem in my life and i don't understand it. Am so happy and can deal with anything and not feel the repercussion from it. Its bothers me how i end up in it since i kept advocating Being Single and celibacy no matter how miserable and slightly alone i felt.

I can keep going on about this great mystery but i have other updates to put out. Anyway, i past my math finally but sadly fail my FS class ( i guess i put all my effort and focus on the math that i didn't try my best in this class) Since ive taken this fall semester off i plan to change my grade to make it look...pretty... i guess. And while i wont be attending my college i despise and has ruin my life i will be trying to get in to a dental assistance profession program so i may earn and save and have an paid internship to help smooth out the bumps in my life. On another note My relationship with my mom is still on the same level, arguments and fights then moving on. The same cycle that never ends between me and her but i could care less because am goal forward this year and my main objective is moving out? and starting over?.

Other then that i could do better....and speaking of college ruining life, i found out the balance in loans i owe is 30000 :/ sounds painful when you know your going to be paying for the rest of your life. Changing topics for Christmas i got a bayonetta game from Camille ( i got her lords and Taylor Pjs day after), best gift ever! i've played that game so much i still manage to suck be good even though i've beaten it 5 times lol you would think after the 5th time the game would become easier for you. Oh yeah on a sad note am no-longer best friends with my Ex-buddy Andrez apparently on a past and unresolved issue he felt doing low blows like my mom would be what i deserve for being his friend. On another post ill post up the text convo that lead to a bitter ending. Despite my new hate for him i still love his daughter and can only wish the best for his family. To add salt to the wound the same day i was texting him i was also texting my Awkward Ex ( Who i finally gotten over but still make me feel like shit but not knowing it)While in a furious text battle with my Ex-Best friend ; My Ex-Boy friend was announcing his his vacation-Return to new york to which i sent out a chain text to all my male Friends in my phonebook and to his replies( there was more) it only to left me feeling aggravated and pissed. <----oh and that along with being sick push me in to the arms of someone new in the time when i was cutting everyone off but that another post to go on about.

How is life now? its not at its best but it is enjoyable now. Only walls are male friends who want to leave the friend zone and get with me and being un-employed.



Lets see what else...school-check, Love? interest-Check, Friends- Semi-Check,Mother Daughter relationship - Ehh and Stress- No complaints life -Contented Technology- Well i could use a new laptop and more xbox360 games and probably a portable Drive that's like 4gigs of space. Anime- its slowly getting better, Comic - less devotion and God- I just keep on praying...... Oh How could i forget the most important thing ..... Guess what....I have Two beautiful 3 Month old Niece and nephew who can put a small on anyone's face and i go to the gym like everyday and do kick boxing so Yay for me but i noticed since i went to the gym i've been gaining weight and eating more then usual don"t know if its the training or the winter( yea probably this) but i need to step up now. ok So am outta Here! ....Oh yea yes my cat is still alive and spazzing.

Green Me and Skeet lol

Anyday now

I learn something these last few days and its that you can't trust anyone cause once you open your self and they feel you cross them they won't a second go by to cut you. I can never see my self getting close to anyone cause am just gonna end up hurt anyway. I have my mom dropping low blows when ever she gets mad, I had my "ex" bestfriend try to use twisted up past on me and I even intrusted help just to find out the end result is the same and had a small talk with my ex that left a burn. Everyday I think so my self that with just a little more push I want to kill myself or someone who's hurt me. I can't deal with all these bullshit. I know now that very little people had my back or even respected me. I can I see my self with anyone if am so scared to trust them and just waiting until they use it against me. Yestertday I so badly wanted to check my self in a suicidal ward because so much drama happen this week. Just day after it got shitter and I end up setting my self up for the worst. I don't feel close to anyone not even my family. I can't keep holding on to people words as if its factual. All I can do now is pray to god to help me. I run from the very same things that will push me over the edge. To think I would feel happy if I had cancer or got hit by a car. To become a "an hero" because my week has been nothing but shit and am going to bed and waking up crying. I won't open up to my self to anyone. Having friends, family and a relationship just gonna break you anyday. Well that's all am getting off my chest with F#$%k anyone who enjoys abusing the shit out of my trust and emotions. Let there be a day where I dig up my own grave.

My story

Words Can not complete how i feel the emotions and thoughts conjured together. Internally i feels like my days are number and Externally am pushing my self to a limit. Right now am full with anger, hatred, sadness and defeated. I want to coil in to a ball and sit in a corner and just thinking how long can I last. Have you ever felt the pain and augish to know that your useless and have your mother say she has no faith in you and your a failure to her eyes. Would you believe how i can't hate a person but fill with rage still not to hope wrongful of them. I put my self out there and now i coward in to a room. To have your troubles and emotions tested and denied by someone can drain you and make you feel low. I feel so desperate to get out but i keep choosing to stay in. Just like a couple in a domestic abuse. You love that person so much, that you'll do anything for them even if they took your last breath. The person that you love so much feeling like there the only one carrying weight on there shoulders, blaming you for everything and then attack you with your defaults and failures. Crushing you with there words. They might not physically hurt you anymore but they learn to use there words to cut you. Each argument you defend your self but in the end they will keep cutting you until your striped of your pride and worth. Your body and soul aches for sympathy but nothing is shown. You cry and internally bleed out what left you have. And you can't call on no one because they can't understand, There not in your shoes, They were not there , they have not seen or even hear. How is it am still here the girl in despair. And then when everything blows over , nothing has happen life becomes good but the negative out weights the positive. And the the bomb is ticking for the next explosion. Do you know when your heart has become cold and solid ? Its when you can't trust no one not even your friends or dear. You only feel like you the only person in the world and slowly you disconnect your self from those who are near. It means nothing to you now that they extend a hand towards you. Because that same hand can be full of broken glass just ready to cut you like the one you knew. there's is no buddy or no even your self can be trusted or loved. I remember a friend ask me "what does love mean to you?" and immediately i reply with out a thought or conscious i said " I have no meaning for IT cause I don't trust it" with out think i felt bad cause i tainted something that she was witnessing for her first time. Since then i haven't look back or even thought of it. But now i see why, now i think of why its so hard for me, because my heart is stony. When ever i do my religous practice i got to my bible and read this verse Ezekiel 36 v-26 "A new heart also will i give you, and a new spirit will i put within you, and I i will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and i will give you an heart of flesh". I pray everyday for it hoping to see things differently. But...hoping for so long that something good would come out of this dark world smiling starts to feel like your a blank canvas with no colors and no on will paint you. I can't keep lying to my self I still want to live and convince myself why I should be alive and that this is just a begining. I just can't. Iv'e seen the ugly in everyone despite seeing only postive in them I can't feel but to hold back but lie that they don't scare me and am not bother by there ugly truth. That they are beautiful in my eyes and am completely open my self to them. There is no good that I can cover of the bad. Right now all I can think is the same lie to my self " I need to move out next year and live peacefully and stress free".

Benny Benassi - Spaceship (feat. Kelis, apl.de.ap, & Jean...

Ghostface - Tush ft. Missy Elliott

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